Mediation advice

[Jules54321]

Hi,
My soon-to-be-ex-husband and I are due to start mediation soon and I’m very nervous about it as he has a history of being very deceitful financially, possibly abusive, and I’m scared about trying to negotiate with him. He also negotiates for a living so I’m really up against it. Has anyone had any experience of mediation around finances with a difficult ex-partner who’d be willing to talk through their experiences and answer a few questions?
TIA

I have tried mediation and it didn’t work for me at all . I found it so tough , if there has been any abuse it won’t work . I am now negotiating via solicitors, the divorce has been going on for 3 years , it’s exhausting . All the things he did agree to in mediation he has now gone back on . If I were you I would go straight to negotiating via solicitors after you have tried one session. I think it only works if you have some kind of relationship left and there has been no abuse . Your ex sounds like mine .

Thank you for your message- this is my fear so thanks for sharing your experiences!

I’m not against using solicitors but can’t actually afford to pay for one. How do people fund such expensive negotiations?

Some solicitors will take their fee once your settlement money comes through. My DP's never chased him for months so he had time to save. Good luck on mediation we found it wasnt worth the time as the Ex refused to negotiate. We got the MAIM and went straight to court

Thank you for sharing your experience Rose. I’m hopeful that my ex will negotiate as we both want to avoid court but it would certainly help if paying the fee could be delayed until we sell the house/reach a settlement!

Oh no - mediation is not advised where they has been abuse. Your situation sounds like mediation would not be advised.

If you are trying to reach settlement with someone difficult, deceitful and abusive... that's why the courts exist. You will waste time and money trying to negotiate with someone unreasonable. If he won't negotiate fairly with you directly, he is unlikely to respond well to any mediator or lawyer, and this is where a lot of money can be wasted. These people tend to reach settlement the day before they are due for the final court hearing! Find a solicitor with a good reputation for getting results and beware anyone who insists on continuing to try to negotiate with your ex outside of the courts, as this is one way lawyers stand to make a lot of money, and it is a form of legal abuse.

Also be aware that UK lawyers are given guidance that they need to recognize the needs of vulnerable clients, including those who were with someone abusive.

https://www.lawsociety.org.uk/topics/client-care/meeting-the-needs-of-vulnerable-clients

Depending on which country you are in... lawyers can state that mediation is not appropriate and you may/hopefully ought to have the right to refuse to go through mediation with someone like this - it really is a waste of your time and energy. And you really need to conserve your energy in the situation your are in.

Best of luck.

In a similar situation to Op here. I was recommended to try hybrid mediation, which is recommended in situations where a spouse has been abusive. You sit in different rooms (with lawyers) and the mediator shuttles between you. Good luck.

I’m sorry to hear you’re in a tricky situation too Panther. I’ve heard of hybrid mediation and it looks like it could be worth a try for both of us- good luck to you too! 😊

Thank you Pickledonions- I think we might be deemed unsuitable too. And yes, I do need to conserve my energy as the whole situation is so draining and upsetting.

The mediator suggested hybrid to us but I believe it would have been very expensive and we have already disclosed form e etc . Its so draining and exhausting. I hope yours goes well

Like Panther127 described...

Friend was victim of DV & did mediation (she pushed hard for this because as expensive as mediators are, lawyers cost a lot more). They did the mediation in separate rooms (TEAMS) & every communication (email or letter) had to be copied to the lawyers and to the mediator. Friend is satisfied that he couldn't do any manipulative shit. Sometimes friend needed weeks to work thru a set of requests offline before a next mediation session could happen, so it was a slow process. They had like... 12 mediation sessions? Still cheaper than working thru lawyers.

They had no kids, so The history of abuse had no impact on his rights in the actual division of assets, only on things like how he was able to collect his stuff from the Marital home.

My DP ended up running up thousands in solicitors bills trying to negotiate. Letter after letter trying to settle but all went ignored. Form A was submitted then the day before court date the Ex decided to settle. Something about being called to court appears to focus the other parties mind. Wish we would of done that at the start but as they say hindsight is a wonderful thing

As an aside - you are exempt from mediation if you can show domestic abuse issues in the marriage- there is a section in form a where you give info about this,