Whether to stay for the kids

[Sophieishere]

Hi all,
This is my first time posting, I really need some advice please.
I have been married for 5 years, have two children (1 and 3) my marriage has been miserable for a few years. My husband gets stressed easily and can’t deal with it, he shuts down, doesn’t communicate, isn’t affectionate towards me and drinks too much. I’ve had conversations with him and it’s always the same story- I’ll sort myself out once… I’ll stop drinking so much when… (to clarify he drinks 4/5 cans every night- more on a weekend)
I think about leaving him often as I know I deserve better than what I am getting. The problem is the thought of sharing my children kills me. I know if I said we were separating he would say he wants to split the time with the children 50/50.
So my question is how does this work? If he wants to would we automatically have to have the children half of the time? What are the rules with regards to holidays? Could he just take them when he wanted to?
I could just about cope with the thought of them being away from me for a few days but I can’t stand the thought of it being anymore than that. I have never been away from them apart from once when they stayed at their grandparents. They’re used to being away from their dad as he often works past their bed time, has nights out etc.
Any advice on what actually happens with the arrangement for the children once you decide to divorce would be useful. I need to have all the information before I can make a decision.
Thanks in advance

Firstly, these men never end up ACTUALLY going for 50/50.

Even my STBX who is very hands-on in all respects hasn’t.

What are both your work situations, your housing situation, your money?

If either of you left where could they go? Work out the reality yourself and then make it happen. It’s easier when the kids are small and it can become their new normal.

If he often works past their bedtime, how can he have them 50:50?

My advice would be to absolutely not stay for the kids. You only get one life. I speak as someone who divorced when my DD was 7. I've honestly never regretted it for one single second.

Thank you for your reply ❤️
He isn’t that hands on, I do the majority with the kids. He works full time, I went back 3 days after maternity leave.
He has said things before when friends/ family have been going through a separation that if it ever happened to us he would go 50/50. But I do wonder whether he actually would as it would be very difficult to make arrangements with work. It’s just one of those things I’m not sure I want to gamble on 😞
I hope you’re ok @LividHouse it sounds like you’re similar to be but further down the line x

@Floofydawg thank you for your reply.
He works for himself, so I guess he could technically finish earlier/ later if he needed to.

I assume he realises he can't be in sole charge of the children whilst he's drunk... and he's an alcoholic so...

Does he have any local.support - grandparents etc that he can offload the kids to? If he doesn't then the reality of him having 50/50 will be very hard on him.

What is your situation with housing? I'd assume you won't get any/much maintenance from him if he's self employed. Make sure that any 'overnight' he wants them for he is fukly responsible for the 24hr period around it - that will include paying for childcare, covering when their sick etc. So if he has gor example Wednesday night - he should have 9am wed morning to 9am Thursday morning as an example. (This will likely put him off! But definately helps you with finances and the ability tonwork yourself.)

To answer your questions. No he doesn't just get to take the kids when he wants. You have to agree between you a plan and if you can't agree there is mediation and eventually court to decide. You'd be advised to get a 'lives with' order as part of a child arrangements order. This means that you can do certain things in terms of holidays etc. Which will be set out.

Would I let a 1yr old and a 3yr old go anywhere with an unsupervised alcoholic... nah. I'd tell him he needs to go to court from the off ... but that starts the divorce off in an aggressive way and will likely set the course for other things so you need to think that one through carefully.

Its tough OP - but I would not want my kids growing up with an alcoholic in their space.

Good luck!

Thank you for all of the practical advice @LittleOwl153 I really appreciate it.