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[MrReflection]

Apologies in advance for what will be a long message, my first, but please bear with me. Hopefully splitting into paragraphs will help set the context.

My DW of 22 years started behaving oddly in January. Being protective of her phone, properly switched off from me etc. She has had an EA before and we were having dinner with our DCs one evening when a message popped up on her phone which was on the table from a man whose name I didn't recognise.

I went to bed that night and ranted at her and swore. I know this was wrong but it was clearly how I dealt with the grief. We talked in the morning and I asked her if she was having an affair, she denied it. And said she wanted a divorce and asked me to move into the spare bedroom. I asked if she was willing to show me the messages between them, which she was not.

I am also still deeply mentally scarred from her EA in 2014/15, I worked hard to forgive her but you simply cannot forget things from someone who you considered your soulmate. I had counselling and over the years I have compartmentalised the grief and memories. The thought of another EA simply blew open the old wounds.

I had been particularly grumpy over last Xmas, which I find a very stressful part of the year anyway given the expectations - it's also a stressful time at work - but we also had to have one of our cats put down, which I think actually hurt me more than I probably admitted to.

We had joint counselling recently but the EA issues weren't discussed. I had two single sessions and put it all on the table. My DW didn't seem that bothered during our joint sessions and said that predominantly she accuses me of being a disappointment as a Dad - I will openly admit I have struggled with it - but I have given my DW and DCs everything I can and I love our DCs dearly. As a man she said I was thoughtful, kind and generous, but our parenting styles have never quite matched up. I am slightly more demanding in my approach, at times, but I am not cold or unsupportive towards my DCs.

I have suffered a number of mental traumas. In 2009 just before our first DC was due I was made redundant and had to work away during the week. This was for 4years, so I missed many formative years of both DCs (second born in 2011). In 2013 I found a new job back home which was a relief, only for my wife to decide that in mid 2014 she wanted us to move for a new job. I worked with her to upheave our family and make a new life there, but I never settled in my new job.

My wife had to have life threatening surgery in 2015, I struggled for sometime to get over the "what ifs" around losing her. I was at her bedside every single day.

During the Covid lockdown my company was making redundancies and although I never really considered myself at risk, having to go through the process of pulling together pools of people I might have to make redundant was a terrible place for me. My wife did much of the home schooling, as her job allowed time off for this, but I feel that simply helped in breeding resentment.

A few weeks ago we were discussing our situation and I tried to get her to understand the impact of EAs. I don't think she's ever really got it, or wants to get it. She apologised and also said in a text the following week how sorry she was to have made me sad.

We're now going through the usual discussions. She has said she doesn't love me and yesterday accused me of being in denial of the issues between us and an impending separation. She has been spending lots of time talking to her friends, but I suspect the EA issues or other things that I've gone through wont have been forthcoming and it is all about how disappointing as a Dad I have been. She has a habit of comparing me against what others tell her of their DHs and only really remembering the negative stuff about me.

I initially offered a few weeks ago to look at how I could move out for a short while to give her space, as our DCs probably need her more than they need me. However, I have started to relent on this approach - ultimately I know we're done, but I feel I've been hurt enough to just roll over and leave my DCs and animals?

I’d say don’t move out
research divorce and settlements to get an understanding of what that could look like ( see solicitor if need be )

only move out once you are in agreement on this

You need to think about

your assets and debts and what’s available to split
housing arrangements and needs for both parties
child arrangements- who will children live with and access patterns to the other parent
what child maintenance would be due based on the above
its a long marriage so you need to start at 50% of all assets which might to adjusted depending on ages of you both plus children, earnings and earning potential of both parties

Thank you MMMM. That's helpful.

We are both lucky enough to have well paid professional careers. I do earn a bit more now (it's fluctuated between us over the years) but we have split our living costs 50/50 since we first moved in together many years ago. We have kept that process going up to this day with me being the significant contributor when we have had building works, bought the family car etc. It has been very equitable.

My DW has floated a very tacit agreement of forgetting our peripheral savings, pensions etc (we have no debts except our mortgage btw) and simply looking at how we can move to selling the house and, again, splitting equity 50/50. We have also worked out that one of us could move out and possibly rent a small place whilst we covered the extra costs between us, again 50/50. We are also a very similar age.

Financially I don't foresee too many issues or disagreements and a solicitor is more likely to muddy the waters than resolve anything on that front.

But my reluctance here is I do feel more and more hurt by the recent EA as it's yet another betrayal. That puts me squarely in the position of - why should I move out, notably as my MIL has two spare bedrooms and lives just 10mins away? And our tacit financial agreement seems to have completely avoided the question so far of what happens to our DCs? I want equitable time with them. I get the feeling my DW assumes I wont.

I have talked to DW about the children coming first and what does that look like for us as separated parents, but there has been a bit of an avoidance so far.