Separate but remain in the same house

[Merchdda]

After some advice, experiences, ideas please...

I have been with my DH for 25 years married for 15, with one child under 10.

I haven't been happy for about 5 years and we have grown apart. There is a lot of friendship and affection still there, no real arguments but I do feel we should split, and try to start separate lives as we are in a limbo now where things won't change between us, but we aren't able to find someone else / a different future.

However, we would not be able to stay in this house or even this area if we divorced and sold the house, which might be fine in 10 years but would cause a real difficulty regarding our child and schools - we are in a catchment for an amazing secondary.

Anyway, I am moving into the spare bedroom this weekend, and I am wondering - longer term is it possible to have a friendly separation where you can remain under the same roof but begin to build independent lives.

There is (at the moment at least) no animosity and I think this could provide stability for our child?

Is this ridiculous? What do I need to think of? (I'm thinking a rule would be discrete relationships fine, but not bringing anyone into the house, mainly because of our child) . I know this couldn't be forever, but could it work for 3 -5 years perhaps to allow secondary school transition, and paying a bit more off mortgage so in a better place with capital when we eventually sell.

Exdh and I did it for about 18 months. He worked away Tuesday-Friday though. There is no way I could’ve done it if he’d been here the whole time and we’re still friendly now.

I think if you're wanting to be actual friends then maybe but if one of the main reasons is for the child, I think it's a bit ridiculous. They will be fine.

I would want us to remain friends. He's been in my life for over half the time I've been alive. It would feel wrong to not be close and friends. But it's not a marriage and hasn't been for years. It's almost like I want to formalise the friendship if that makes sense?

I am currently away with work for about 5 nights a month which is likely to continue for 12-18 months (have been doing this for last 18 months) so I wonder if that would ease the transition.

It's is very much with my child in mind that I am thinking of this. I think both of us still in the same house and amicable is better than us splitting moving to two flats and a change of schools.

Only you know they dynamics of your relationship. Mr and my alcoholic ex did it for three months during our divorce but he worked away Sunday to Friday and I stayed out Friday and Saturday night if we did meet on a Sunday it was hell. He always left can and takeaway stuff around bathroom filthy etc I hated it. Eventually I moaned so much to my solicitor providing photography of the state he was asked to leave which he did so rented and paid half the mortgage. This went on for the two years the divorce took and I was glad to see the back of him.

I think this can work in the short term. I think 3 to 5 years is quite ambitious. The difficulty obviously is if either of you meet someone else…..what will happen then ?

Also, in 5 years time your child will be approaching exam years so you need to think about that.

It’s not easy I know, we just want to do whats best for our DCs…..

I think it can work short term. A year or so.

But imo children need to understand what's happening so they can get closure

Muddying the waters for the children, longer term, isn't a good idea

Me and my husband are currently doing this.
I have been unhappy for a while I think, probably ever since I found out that "something" had happened with another woman.
After 7 years I finally got the truth (touched her boobs and genitals when drunk in a bed together) but by this point I think we were to far gone. I have moved past it in a way as I am no longer angry and still love him, but don't want any physical contact.
I've realised that I don't think that is what a marriage should be at my age. No passion or desire, just friendship.
He moved into the spare room in October and I told him I thought this move should be permanent in Jan.
We are still as we are. Coparenting the kiss as if we are still a couple, but most evenings we spend our time separately and sleep in different rooms.
We are now starting to have moments of clashing so I am aware that we probably need to agree a plan moving forwards.
We haven't told the kids (9 and 3) as I think we need to have an idea of next steps or it won't feel very secure for them.
It's additionally difficult because he clearly doesn't want us to split so I am the driving force and it breaks me all the time.
I think 3 years will likely be too long tbh but if your child is both of your focus then it might be achievable but I expect it would mean your life being on hold and not properly moving on.

We are sort of doing it and have been basically since October 2018. My husband really doesn’t want a divorce

It can work - and there are times when we get on really well, I am genuinely fond of him.

However, we are now in the exam years, and will be for a while - we absolutely are stuck in a way we weren’t five years ago and sometimes I am furious with myself for not being more definite then and pushing through despite his objections.

Also, I think you need real clarity for both of you - it’s easy for the person who is less keen on splitting to bury their head in the sand about this - which could become so cruel for them to be constantly reminded - and it will then be hard for them to process their anger and grief while they are still living with you

We've been doing this since Aug last year as we were waiting for my youngest to get towards the end of year 6 before moving.

It has been ok, we are fairly amicable and have enough space to keep out of eachothers way. It does mean we've not been able to break some of the entrenched behaviour patterns that caused the split, such as me doing all the cooking/cleaning and him not engaging well with the kids, so I feel it's definitely time for us to move on and be independent.

We've both had offers accepted and will hopefully move in the summer holidays. I'm very excited for a place of my own and a fresh start. I think still living together has probably been quite confusing for the kids.

A friend and husband did thus. Worked okay for about a year until he started getting serious with his new girlfriend. Understandably she had concerns about him still living with his ex and how separate they were so he decided to move out and house had to be sold as she couldn't afford it alone.

I did something similar for a while and it was not ideal but manageable. My situation was different in that there for no friendship or affection there and we had been sleeping apart from some time. We agreed to separate but my ex partner insisted on waiting two years until the kids were older. We explained to the kids that we werent getting on and were going to be doing things separately rather than going out as a family. TBH it was not great but better than it had been before. We managed it for 2 years before selling thw house and moving into two smaller houses. I think it's important to be as homest as you can to the kids. Are you sure that if ane when you do split you will have to move them schools?

We are doing the same at the moment. He works a lot so we aren’t together that often anyway. Waiting to see what can happen in the future but finances not allowing us to move on seperately at the moment. It’s ok, hard but manageable. Can’t see it being forever obviously though. Kids don’t know any different at the moment.