He’s being nice and it’a making me doubt myself

Sadandbroken1 · 2023-04-21T05:55:11+00:00

STBXH has ignored completely (even in front of primary age kids) me for 18 months (we’re still in the same house). He has just suggested we can spend an hour in the same room for DC’s birthday for her to open presents and have cake etc. This has really thrown me. Obviously it is a hood thing, but it has me doubting myself about whether I got everything wrong. I filed for divorce 18 months ago because he was (I think) emotionally abusive (subtle stuff but silent treatment m, stonewalling, blaming me for everything, calling me a bully, saying I had been awful for years since our daughter was born). Now I’m wondering if he was right, I’m the (only) problem, and if I had tried harder we could have come through it ok because he can be nice. Just needed to get those thought out. Any support welcome.

ALittleBitAhAh · 21/04/2023 07:02

He's a turd and this is his way of controlling the situation. Easier said than done, but try not to doubt yourself.

MyBloodyMaryneedsmoreTabasco · 21/04/2023 07:05

He is suggesting one hour together in the same room for your child's birthday. That is not being nice, it's being a grown up and being a parent. Do not second guess yourself for such a small gesture that is not even aimed at you.

Menopants · 21/04/2023 07:05

He ignored you for 18 months. One hour being nice and you are doubting yourself. I’m sorry but no you need to get him out of your house and divorce him.

DustyLee123 · 21/04/2023 07:06

How gracious of him to allow you an hour of his company.

W0tnow · 21/04/2023 07:07

An hour of niceness in 18 months is kind of a low bar for ‘nice’?

it sounds like such a toxic environment for you and your kids, you’re not still living together?

ThisIsaNiceDress · 21/04/2023 07:08

Sweetheart ignoring you for 18 months to the extent that you need to make arrangements to spend an hour in the same room??? That’s sick. Your poor kids. Poor you. Get out ASAP!

RedHelenB · 21/04/2023 07:09

Menopants · 21/04/2023 07:05

He ignored you for 18 months. One hour being nice and you are doubting yourself. I’m sorry but no you need to get him out of your house and divorce him.

It's his house too. The divorce should be imminent if it was filed for 18 months ago.

Original poster

Sadandbroken1 · 21/04/2023 08:22

Thank you for the sense check. I’m just finding it all so hard. We’re still in the same house. Waiting for final hearing of my financial application as it hasn’t been possible to agree things. Advice I have received is not to move out so I have stayed despite really wanting to go. I never imagined it would take this long, or that he would ignore me for such a long time.

OP posts:

Rainbowqueeen · 21/04/2023 08:31

I was listening to a podcast recently that said there is evidence that when a relationship ends, the first thing we forget is the bad times and the good things remain in our heads for longer. So give yourself a break, you’re just behaving normally.

But! Don’t act on it. Reframe his actions now as a good thing for your future relationship as co-parents and nothing more.

I hope DD enjoys the party and you are able to continue to co-parent well in the future whilst you go on to have a fabulous single life

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 21/04/2023 08:49

Do you still cook for him, and do his laundry?

TheFlis12345 · 21/04/2023 09:30

This is such a low bar for ‘nice’! He has simply suggested he will be civil for a hour for the sake of your child’s birthday.

Original poster

Sadandbroken1 · 21/04/2023 10:02

dexterslockedintheshedagain · 21/04/2023 08:49

Do you still cook for him, and do his laundry?

No I don’t do any of those things. He completely acts as if I don’t exist so even if I did he would just ignore it.

OP posts:

BetterFuture1985 · 21/04/2023 11:04

It's much more normal for a couple to be bad for each other than for one to be the antagonist. Then when you separate and don't have to think about being together any more, some of those traits that made you incompatible as a couple cease to exist.

I don't know you and I don't know your STBX so I won't jump to the same conclusions as others as to whether he was emotionally abusive or whether you bullied him. If you're still able to both live safely under the same roof then it probably doesn't matter that much if one of your is more "right" than the other. Often these terms are hyperbole in the "heat" of divorce that subside as you move away from the relationship and develop a more balanced view of the past.

What is important to remember though is that going back will bring back all of the bad stuff that make you incompatible as a couple. So see this as an opportunity for a possibly to co-parent more amicably as the animosity declines, rather than doubting your past decision which was almost certainly the right one.

Original poster

Sadandbroken1 · 21/04/2023 11:20

BetterFuture1985 · 21/04/2023 11:04

It's much more normal for a couple to be bad for each other than for one to be the antagonist. Then when you separate and don't have to think about being together any more, some of those traits that made you incompatible as a couple cease to exist.

I don't know you and I don't know your STBX so I won't jump to the same conclusions as others as to whether he was emotionally abusive or whether you bullied him. If you're still able to both live safely under the same roof then it probably doesn't matter that much if one of your is more "right" than the other. Often these terms are hyperbole in the "heat" of divorce that subside as you move away from the relationship and develop a more balanced view of the past.

What is important to remember though is that going back will bring back all of the bad stuff that make you incompatible as a couple. So see this as an opportunity for a possibly to co-parent more amicably as the animosity declines, rather than doubting your past decision which was almost certainly the right one.

For years he has called me a bully, told me in am
abusive, told me everything is my fault…it isn’t just hyperbole in the context of me having left him.

I am doing everything I can to be amicable to the children, despite being ignored for over a year, criticised regularly by email and being stuck because he won’t even negotiate on the financials. I agree that this may be progress with him being amicable. We will see.

I’m sorry if I’m being over sensitive but I have had regular support from Women’s Aid since I left about his emotional abuse of me, so I don’t think it’s fair to say I it is much more likely we were just bad for each other and to suggest that I will develop a more balanced view of the relationship in due course.

Just because we are able to live safely (but which I assume you mean no physical abuse) doesn’t make it ok for him to act as if I don’t exist etc.

Sorry for the rant and maybe I have interpreted it wrong, but this feels really invalidating and has really got me down.

OP posts:

Chewmeric · 21/04/2023 11:50

It's much more normal for a couple to be bad for each other than for one to be the antagonist.

Utter shite.

@Sadandbroken1 do not doubt yourself.

His accusations are admissions - all he was accusing you of doing he was doing to you. It's a very, very common behaviour from abusers.

He is more than likely trying to impress someone with his generous offer of civility for an hour or mess with your head, yet another very common behaviour. Do not be fooled that it is a good thing, or in any way he's softening. There will no doubt be some ulterior motive for his hugely magnanimous heroism.

Do not doubt yourself

BetterFuture1985 · 21/04/2023 12:36

Chewmeric · 21/04/2023 11:50

It's much more normal for a couple to be bad for each other than for one to be the antagonist.

Utter shite.

@Sadandbroken1 do not doubt yourself.

His accusations are admissions - all he was accusing you of doing he was doing to you. It's a very, very common behaviour from abusers.

He is more than likely trying to impress someone with his generous offer of civility for an hour or mess with your head, yet another very common behaviour. Do not be fooled that it is a good thing, or in any way he's softening. There will no doubt be some ulterior motive for his hugely magnanimous heroism.

Do not doubt yourself

It's not utter shite, it's the experience of family solicitors everywhere and backed up by research.

The only reason society thinks otherwise is that there is a Women's Aid (who themselves spout junk social science) and not a Men's Aid.

Original poster

Sadandbroken1 · 21/04/2023 13:05

BetterFuture1985 · 21/04/2023 12:36

It's not utter shite, it's the experience of family solicitors everywhere and backed up by research.

The only reason society thinks otherwise is that there is a Women's Aid (who themselves spout junk social science) and not a Men's Aid.

Show quote history

I have spent much of the last year trying to build myself up again after being told time and again what I had done wrong, being given the silent treatment if I stood up for myself, being blamed for everything. In the end I was just trying so hard to make him happy and apologising all the time without understanding what I had done just to try and make things better.

This time last year I hated myself so much because I believed him. I have had help from Women’s Aid and a counsellor as well as my solicitor to help me see that, whilst of course I played my part in our relationship, I’m not abusive or a bully. On the contrary they have helped me see that he has been emotionally abusive (at least I think I can see it when I’m not doubting myself…).

I had a wobble today with his suggestion that we could be in the same room (after a year of his refusing to this) for DC’s birthday. I posted here because I worry I am burdening my family and friends too much.

I didn’t expect everyone to necessarily agree with me, but this has really got to me. I won’t post on this thread again as I don’t want to get into an argument, but I think it is important to say how upsetting and invalidating I have found this at a time when I needed support.

Thank you to everyone who offered support. It is appreciated. I’m sure I will get over this wobble and bounce back.

OP posts:

Chewmeric · 21/04/2023 13:23

There will always be those who will do anything to discredit a woman and her children's lived experiences at the hands of abusers. Perhaps it's because they've only ever had kind and loving people in their lives (which makes me wonder why they turn out so judgemental and nasty), perhaps it's because they'd rather think she's crazy than he's bad, or perhaps they're abusive themselves. Who knows.

Don't doubt yourself @Sadandbroken1

BetterFuture1985 · 21/04/2023 15:05

@Sadandbroken1 Sorry, you really don't need to justify yourself to me. All I was saying was that I wouldn't make assumptions based on the information in front of me.

In my case, I didn't have a Women's Aid to turn to but I was still encouraged by a counsellor to see myself as a victim of bullying (my wife had multiple affairs, lied about it, spent significant amounts of money and hid the debt, constantly belittled my efforts with the children etc) but the conclusion I eventually drew was slightly different. What my wife did certainly felt like bullying but looked at from her perspective, she could equally argue that she had opinions that whilst strong were nevertheless in the best interests of the children (although she still expressed those opinions inappropriately).

So actually what I'm saying is only slightly different to everyone else here. The core conclusion is still the same; don't start doubting yourself. However, what I really wanted to say is don't dismiss out of hand what you're thinking now either.

Original poster

Sadandbroken1 · 21/04/2023 15:17

BetterFuture1985 · 21/04/2023 15:05

@Sadandbroken1 Sorry, you really don't need to justify yourself to me. All I was saying was that I wouldn't make assumptions based on the information in front of me.

In my case, I didn't have a Women's Aid to turn to but I was still encouraged by a counsellor to see myself as a victim of bullying (my wife had multiple affairs, lied about it, spent significant amounts of money and hid the debt, constantly belittled my efforts with the children etc) but the conclusion I eventually drew was slightly different. What my wife did certainly felt like bullying but looked at from her perspective, she could equally argue that she had opinions that whilst strong were nevertheless in the best interests of the children (although she still expressed those opinions inappropriately).

So actually what I'm saying is only slightly different to everyone else here. The core conclusion is still the same; don't start doubting yourself. However, what I really wanted to say is don't dismiss out of hand what you're thinking now either.

I know I said I wouldn’t post again, but I’m so upset. You’re saying whilst I might feel like I was abused, he could equally argue I was abusive…this is so unhelpful and exactly why I keep doubting myself. He told me he would never tell me I’m a good mum, he shut himself in the spare room and didn’t speak to me for weeks, he told me everything was my fault and it would all be ok if I was better, he stonewalled me for days at a time, but I guess from his perspective its ok, so that’s fine. I wish I had never posted. Please don’t post again. It is making me feel worse.

OP posts:

BetterFuture1985 · 21/04/2023 15:28

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

BetterFuture1985 · 21/04/2023 15:46

Post on a public forum; invite responses; take exaggerated offence to responses that don't entirely conform to own opinion; deny others the same right to have those opinions.

Draw your conclusions on that.

Chewmeric · 21/04/2023 16:01

FFS.

Persuaderama · 25/04/2023 17:41

What a horrendous man, and your poor kids will be so badly affected by his behaviour. You should also seek therapy if you think that one hour or someone’s time - after abuse for a long time- is kind. Or that, that’s what you’re worth. You can rise above this and this disgusting man and move on

Ofcourseshecan · 27/04/2023 12:26

He’s messing with your head, OP.

He’s treated you like dirt for 18 months, you’ve got used to it, so he’s tried a new trick and, hey presto, he’s thrown you into doubt and confusion again. Result!

Please try to ignore this twisted man, be blandly polite if you have to speak to him and try not to rise to his bait.

I hope you and DC are soon free of him. I hate to think what this is all doing to DC as well as you.