XH insisting he'll do 50/50 childcare but it won't happen

[crummyusername]

Hi, I'm in a divorce process with XH, about to start the financial negotiations. He hasn't done any childcare for several months now, except the odd day / few hours here and there. But insists he'll be 50/50 post divorce.

I don't think this will happen - both because he'll make excuses why he can't, and also because the kids are settled with me, and almost certainly will refuse to go to his place even if it's offered (they are early teens). How can I protect myself financially, in the (likely) event I end up the full time parent? I'm talking to the solicitor next week and trying to do some research ahead of that.

Keep a record of all the time he spends with the kids (but don’t tell him you are doing this). He is claiming 50:50 because he knows it means more money for him.

Assuming you will have mediation?

The children’s preference will also be taken into account at their age. It’s the overnights that counts. A few hours here and there doesn’t make a difference unless they stay over.

Keep record and be prepared to challenge him if he takes it to court. A good old 'why do you think you'll have 50/50 when you haven't managed a single overnight in X months?' is a good starter 😂 he's going to look like a twat. The kids wants will be taken into account.

Yes wishes and feelings will be taken into account he can demand request insist all he wants the kids can say no my teen has seen his dad twice....this YEAR his brother spent five minutes on the doorstep with him this year 🤷‍♀️

Be careful about asking the kids wishes. With my teens everyone wanted it to be 50/50 but in reality they go to their dads a few nights a month because he has prioritised other things. Which I always knew would be the case but they weren’t/aren’t emotionally mature enough to accept that their dad is a selfish tosser.

So we split the house equity 50/50 for no damn reason. 😫

Hi thanks for these comments. The trouble is, he will say he's willing to have them 50% at his place, but I know both kids will refuse to go - and he'll blame me for that, rather than try to find solutions. So I'm worried I'll be landed with all the work and all the costs, as effectively the sole carer.

Nb it was a controlling relationship and an acrimonious separation, so I don't think we will use mediation.

So then keep a record of all the time he spends with the kids, and by the time you get to court you’ll have plenty of evidence he has no intention to have them 50:50

also keep a record of offering him time with them and his responses etc

Presumably you live very close so kid’s won’t have problems going to school if they stay with their DF?

Thanks. I'll spend some time looking back through emails and texts - there have been many occasions I've asked and he's said no. Yes he lives v close by. Hoping not to go to court but not feeling too optimistic on that.

Honestly I wouldn’t waste your time looking back to see what was said & when; if it ends up in family court they won’t care about he said/she said or keeping diaries of when he said no etc in fact they may look at in as you’re trying to create obstacles (I only know as my close friend had to go through family court & I was her McKenzie friend so heard it all). If he applies for 50/50 & there is no specific reason like proven DV/substance abuse then he’ll likely get it or very close to.

Hahahahaha hahaha my ex said that he wanted 50/50 after ZERO experience looking after either of them, I'm talking single-figure nappy changes in 5+years.
Even demanded to stay in the fmh so that his mum could move in on 'his' days to look after them.

In the end he didn't even try, threatened to fuck off to Australia to work at one point and now only sees the kids for the obligatory photo opportunity once or twice a year.

At their ages the kids' wishes will definitely be considered, so I would try and ignore his bluster (but as pp say start a diary, communicate by text email if at all possible etc etc. Keep that trail.)

If he's adamant about the 50/50 (to get out of paying maintenence) why don't you play along with it but get a Financial consent order in place for absolutely everything that you pay for the kids apart from the roof over their head and food. He will argue that he has to pay housing/food costs also so they'll be disregarded on a 50/50 arrangement.

List absolutely everything and halve it - shoes, uniforms (plenty of full sets), sports kit, trainers, winter coats, mobile phone costs, school trips, bus fares, extra curricular activities, birthday presents for friends, school lunches, holiday clubs, subscriptions (they don't only use Spotify on your time) etc. Don't err on the lower side. Nothing is going to get cheaper.

Make sure you build in an annual uplift as well. Your solicitor will be able to advise. Unless there has been abuse you will be expected to have tried mediation first, even if one party doesn't attend. My divorce went to court and they wouldn't consider the case without a certificate from a registered mediator (which said the ExH refused to engage...)

Thanks @CamsPaisleyCuffs - that’s v useful indeed - and as they’re teens it is all getting more expensive! Should be talking to the solicitor and i will ask how they can set up the financial agreement to include that. I put some numbers on my Form E but wonder if I did indeed understate it.

Unlikely to get an agreement to that effect - because it will include some sort of wording which states he has to agree expenditure. No order will allow you to control and dictate the purchase of those and him paying half