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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

Am I mad to want to offer more…

23 replies

Helodie · 13/04/2023 18:12

FDR coming up. Ahead of that I have offered a 50-50 split of assets with no spousal maintenance (I’m the higher earner but both work full time). Ex offered 50-50 split of assets and wants LOTS of maintenance, which I’m advised he won’t get. I want a clean break.

A 50-50 split of assets will enable him to rehouse in a big enough house for the kids (who we will have 50-50) to have their own rooms, but the house won’t be as nice as our current house. I feel really guilty about that and am inclined to offer more so he can have a nicer house.

Solicitor doesn’t think I should, nor do friends I have discussed it with. That is what my gut is telling me though… But he was emotionally abusive and controlling and I’m wondering if I am just feeling guilty when I shouldn’t.

Any advice would be really appreciated…

OP posts:
Ihonestlydontgetit · 13/04/2023 18:17

I wouldn't offer more, he is able to house your kids in a nice home and they won't suffer from it being less nice than their current home as long as he makes the effort to make it nice for them.
He needs to step up and take responsibility for his own future and pay his own way.
The only way I'd consider offering a bigger % of the home is to resolve any requests for spousal maintenance and get a clean break but your solicitor should advise on that

divorceadviceneeded · 13/04/2023 18:33

Has he always earned less or was there a drop in salary when/if he took time out to look after the kids?

Original poster
Helodie · 13/04/2023 18:44

divorceadviceneeded · 13/04/2023 18:33

Has he always earned less or was there a drop in salary when/if he took time out to look after the kids?

He’s always earned less, due to choice of career. Not taken a step back to look after the kids. I took maternity leave each time and since I have been back to work we have shared childcare (I would say I did more, he would say it was 50-50 but I don’t think there would be any suggestion he did more).

OP posts:
FL0 · 13/04/2023 18:56

So what happens if you give him more and decides to spend it on a new car? Or buys a lovely new house, moves in his new Gf and her two kids and hardly ever sees your joint children anymore.

When my husband and I split up he said he wanted the kids 50:50. For the first few months he had then for dinner about twice a week and nothing else. After about 4 months that petered out and he now sees them for a few hours about 5-6 times a year. He doesn’t pay child support either.

Abusive and controlling men do not make good fathers.They all say they want 50:59 but that’s only so they don’t have to pay.

Listen to your friends ( who know your ex ) and your solicitor ( who knows the law and you are paying to give you advice ).

TimeToChange111 · 13/04/2023 18:59

I agree with FL0 - I believed my ex when he said he wanted 50/50 custody.
That didn't last long, he didn't pay child support and now hasn't seen our son for over 8 years.
Meanwhile I've still got a mortgage to pay off as I gave him more than I needed to.
I wish I'd listened to my solicitor but I thought I was being fair - actually I was being a mug.....

millymollymoomoo · 13/04/2023 20:38

No, don’t offer more
if he wants larger house he’ll have to figure out how to earn more

he’s not sacrificed anything, in fact he’s probably coming out now with more assets than he would have achieved if you weren’t married

most people come out of divorces having to downsize

Timeforachange2023 · 14/04/2023 06:20

As others have said - don’t offer more. Only depart from 50:50 if you want to capitalise his claim for periodical payments.

I have custody of our children and receive no child maintenance from my ex wife. I am the much higher earner too. We agreed a 75:25 split in her favour which enabled us both to re-house in similar sized and standard properties in the local area. However, divorce also meant those properties are not as grand as the martial home was. The majority of divorcing couples have to accept there will be a fall in standard of living - 2 separate households to run etc.

Sharing my example to show it’s not always about who has the kids more that is the determining factor. It’s a very important one, but it is almost always based on need.

The way we did it (with her receiving more of the total pensions too) enabled a clean break immediately at divorce.

I would advise trying to do the same if at all possible.

If he want a similar standard of living to what he had previously, he will have to take steps himself to generate the extra income to facilitate that.

Good luck with the hearing! 😊

SeulementUneFois · 14/04/2023 06:32

Op - definitely don't. For all the reasons above.

@Timeforachange2023 why no child maintenance? Are you (still,?) being emotionally blackmailed?

Lengokengo · 14/04/2023 06:40

don’t offer more. Keep in your head what amount this is and then, when he inevitably fails to contribute more in the future, or if the 50:50 turns into a situation where you are shouldering on the larger share and getting no maintenance, then you will be ‘cushioned ‘ from extreme irritation. If by the time your children leave home, he is in credit (unlikely) then give it to them for uni/ a deposit etc. Look on any money that you would have given him as extra earmarked directly for them. Better to give it to them directly over the years than via him.

Timeforachange2023 · 14/04/2023 06:42

SeulementUneFois · 14/04/2023 06:32

Op - definitely don't. For all the reasons above.

@Timeforachange2023 why no child maintenance? Are you (still,?) being emotionally blackmailed?

Yes, I still get the emotional blackmail. However, there were many worse forms of abuse directed at me by her during the marriage. This is one of the reasons I have the kids.

My ex has developed complex and severe mental illness in recent years and has been sectioned a fair few times. Unfortunately her level of function means she can’t work at the moment and the majority of her income is from UC. However, I would add that the income is very generous and more than she was receiving working part-time as a teacher.

Given all of the circumstances I decided not to pursue child maintenance. I want as little contact with my ex as possible and I just focus on the kids. I earn enough to provide a decent standard of living for us without the child maintenance off her.

CrapBucket · 14/04/2023 06:47

I’m another one who split the house equity 50/50 because ExH would have the kids 50/50…

In reality, they go there approx 2 nights a fortnight…

DustyLee123 · 14/04/2023 06:49

And when your ex remarries, the new wife will be entitled to half of the extra you gave him.
Dont do it.

PicaK · 14/04/2023 08:25

I wouldn't offer more upfront but I would be prepared to give it iyswim

If you start with the kids - it's them who will be going from one house to the other. Having the smallest change in their surroundings would be best if it's 50/50 care.

That's not "fair" and he benefits too. But it would be fair to them. I know people won't agree with me but hey it's Mumsnet. Think of it as their house that's being discussed.

Spend time on rightmove and see what is a fair price.

So let him ask for his maintenance (I think your solicitors are right that he won't get it and his solicitor should know that as you have to be into 6 figure salaries really) then offer your revised % split with no maintenance. Again slightly lower than you are comfortable with. Then let him "win" by pushing you a bit higher.

Have you claimed child benefit in your name? If not, do that fast even if you tick the "not wanting the money" box

He is an arse (my ex was also convinced he did more childcare than he did). But kids first and you both start again on an equal footing

Crazycrazylady · 14/04/2023 10:05

Honestly op. You need to be responsible here and remember that you are now a single parent, you could cross the road tomorrow and get knocked down and loose your job. Your priority now should be to cement.your financial status for their sakes.

BlastedPimples · 14/04/2023 10:10

He can afford another house on the settlement? He's very fortunate. That's enough.

QuickNameChangeForMeToday · 14/04/2023 10:11

My friend gave a 60/40 split in her ex’s favour to ensure two good homes for 50/50 care of the children. The court was happy with a 50/50 split of assets and no maintenance.

The reality was her ex never decorated a bedroom for any of the 3DC but moved in his girlfriend (hidden affair) and her 3DC and friend’s children were told they could share on blow up beds! The children have spent 1 night with their father in 7yrs!

Original poster
Helodie · 14/04/2023 11:25

PicaK · 14/04/2023 08:25

I wouldn't offer more upfront but I would be prepared to give it iyswim

If you start with the kids - it's them who will be going from one house to the other. Having the smallest change in their surroundings would be best if it's 50/50 care.

That's not "fair" and he benefits too. But it would be fair to them. I know people won't agree with me but hey it's Mumsnet. Think of it as their house that's being discussed.

Spend time on rightmove and see what is a fair price.

So let him ask for his maintenance (I think your solicitors are right that he won't get it and his solicitor should know that as you have to be into 6 figure salaries really) then offer your revised % split with no maintenance. Again slightly lower than you are comfortable with. Then let him "win" by pushing you a bit higher.

Have you claimed child benefit in your name? If not, do that fast even if you tick the "not wanting the money" box

He is an arse (my ex was also convinced he did more childcare than he did). But kids first and you both start again on an equal footing

It’s not that I’m worried about him benefitting too, I want us all to be happy. But I don’t know where to draw the line. I earn quite a bit more (he still has an ok salary) and he wants half my net earnings indefinitely, which I am worried ties me to him too much. But he says it would be better for the kids…

i feel more comfortable with him having a bit more from the sale of the house because I have a bigger mortgage capacity.

a 50-50 split of assets would mean he has £500,000 to buy a house. Current home is worth about £700,000. I guess I’m wondering if I should be thinking about a settlement that would enable him to buy a comparable home?

OP posts:
Ihadenough22 · 14/04/2023 11:26

At this stage I give him what your solicitor tells you. Once the children have a suitable house to stay with him in that's fine.
He may say that he will have the kids 50:50 but in time the novelty of this could wear off when he has 2 kids to mind. He could have a new girlfriend soon as well so why should be providing her with a nice house?

In your situation you have to think as your kids get bigger the expenses grow. You need to build up your wealth again after sorting out the housing situation. Rather than giving him more money I keep this money as a cash reserve for your kid's.

They deserve this money now or in the future to help them in life.
I would also get insurance for unemployment and illness in case either happens to you so can cover expenses when dealing with this.

Do what's best for you and you kids and not him. If he wants a bigger house and a better lifestyle let him do extra training to get a better job or change careers for more money.
The reality is that you have been subbing him up to now. You can no longer afford to do this and your kids are more important than him.

caringcarer · 14/04/2023 11:28

Don't offer your stbexh more but when DC are with you make sure you buy them plenty of clothes, shoes, trainers etc. So you know they won't go without. My nephew pays his maintenance to his ex-wife but still pays for school meals, dancing and piano lessons for his 2 girls because ex-wife said she was cancelling as could not afford. He buys school does, uniform, coats for his girls too. He won't have them go without.

ArcticSkewer · 14/04/2023 11:40

He is very obviously taking the piss if he wants half your income forever.

Offer him 60:40 in your favour and settle at 50:50.

I liked the idea upthread about keeping money aside (the extra you might have given him) and using it up as and when he proves useless.

BetterFuture1985 · 14/04/2023 14:06

If you offer more, he'll ask for more. As the more responsible adult in this relationship, you'll probably also watch the money get frittered away.

This was the problem with my ex-wife. She wanted a lot of assets and maintenance and was a bit allergic to work. Conceding any of this would have been to let her sit on her lazy bum for years into the future and spending the money on herself rather than the children.

Better as the responsible adult to stay in control of the finances so it can be spent on the children and not in order to avoid working harder or to squander on new partners.

Mumof3confused · 14/04/2023 16:56

No. Whatever you offer, he will want more. Just go with what your solicitor says. You will have to negotiate so don’t start off by offering more.

I live in a tiny house compared to the family home, it is nowhere near as nice but the children are SO happy. They don’t care what the house looks like. They just want a happy home and happy parents.

JJ8765 · 14/04/2023 17:08

Teen dc usually don’t want 50:50 and tbh don’t want to interact much with either parent! Mine just wanted one base. They visited ExH for a movie night and occasional holidays. I wouldn’t increase the offer, if you can afford it save it for the dc’s future. I very much doubt the dc will want to live in 2 homes throughout their teen years.

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