Do you ever get your full life back after domestic abuse?

[DivorcingEU]

I feel like my life has been stolen from me and spent by someone else. I didn't realise I was in an abusive relationship for years. I've ended up in a foreign country that I can't leave, I'm not fluent in the language and while it's not difficult to learn, my brain is so messed up from my home life stress, I can't remember normal things, never mind irregular verb conjugations. I've got barely any friends and I haven't worked since 2009. I've been studying via the OU but it's been a nightmare due to "D"H. A degree that should have taken 3 years has so far taken 9 and I'm not finished yet - had to stop again this year due to him.

I knew I'd got to the end of what I could tolerate in 2017 and tried to get divorced. I'm still trying, lawyers involved etc.

Im EXHAUSTED. I've been fighting to have a voice - I'm allowed one if he agrees, otherwise not - fighting to make it work and now fighting to get free. I have virtually no support. A few friends scattered here and no family support at all.

I am mid-40s. My degree was for healthcare related career for which I need to do a masters and then 3-6 years of professional training. It was truly my dream (something my mother stopped me studying when I was younger).

But I cannot see how to go forward. I've had two burnouts due to living with him. I'm still living with him, he refuses to move out, is further stalling the divorce. I dread every weekend, long weekend and holiday. I cannot get a job right now because I don't have (and can't find) reliable childcare. I'm heading towards a third burnout too, but trying to avoid it.

I'm so so tired. I feel suicidal about 4 days a week on average - I'll NEVER do it because that means the kids would be left with him and I'd never, ever, EVER do that.

I just can't see how I'll ever have enough time or energy to finish my studies, to get a job that will pay me enough to be above the poverty line, never mind reach my dreams. All these years he's manipulated me and I didn't realise, I truly thought he cared.

People say things like "it won't last forever". But it actually is! And every day is breaking me a bit more - when I thought in 2017 there was nothing left of me to break...

Sorry it's a bit garbled and not succinct. My brain is too tired to synthesise. Has anybody been this broken for this long and actually gone on to be happy and fulfilled AND get a decent paying job?

People do- but you’ll need therapy.

Life will be hugely better even a few weeks after being free of him.

I’m sending you lots of love @DivorcingEU . I’ve been in an abusive relationship and i can only imagine how much worse it is when you have kids.

things can get better.
are there any charities there who might help?

I can't imagine ever being free of him, until "death us do part". It's completely unimaginable that I'll ever get to live with my kids without him.

Who knows though. Maybe he'll surprise me!

Thanks. Yes without kids (and in the U.K.) I'd have more options.

There aren't charities really because they only recognise physical or sexual violence here. Gaslighting isn't a word here either and the concept isn't recognised. As he's not remotely violent, I'm seen as choosing to stay in this situation and be unhappy. Even though leaving would jeopardise my custody rights because I'd be homeless, and the kids would have to stay with him.

I actually can't believe I'm in such a situation.

What a difficult situation you're in, I'm so sorry you are in this. Given your options are limited, can you try and change some of your expectations or focus for now to help you survive, get stronger and not go under again? Perhaps pausing the degree to be gentle to yourself or secretly starting therapy now or confiding in someone you trust or writing a secret journal or exercising as an escape? These won't solve your problems but they will help you cope. You're in a war zone when it's an abusive relationship with kids and you need to find ways to stay mentally safe and survive. It does get way better once you leave, keep the hope.