Financial support ethics

[Bunnyanddragon]

Hi everyone, my partner and I have an advice request for you all. My partner is going through a divorce with her husband of 13 years. They have an 8 year old daughter who will continue splitting time with each parent. My partner and ex are working on a separation agreement and my partner is unsure about what to ask for financially. She will be getting from the ex about 33k in RRSPs and about $750/ month in 20 years from the pension, and will get half equity on the duplex she and the ex lived in (he lives there now). In terms of monthly support, my partner makes about 50k/year, the ex makes about 450k, so legally my partner is entitled to about 3k child and 10k spousal support each month. However, my partner lives with me and I have significant investments that comfortably cover our expenses and my step-daughter’s without the ex’s support. We are in a serious relationship and are moving into a home I bought soon.

Given these circumstances, we’re curious what you all think is ethical for my partner to ask for financially for monthly support, even if she’s entitled legally to 13k/month. The ex doesn’t want to give much since my partner and I got together while she was still with the ex and left him for me, someone that has a lot financially as well. However, the separation was complicated as my partner had asked for an open relationship a few years ago since she wasn’t getting emotional needs met and he agreed to it. My partner and I met in 2020, became romantic at the end of 2021 and as our relationship developed, the ex was upset but turned a blind eye and let my partner continue with me, until he eventually demanded she stop seeing me. She didn’t and he became physically and emotionally abusive, hurting and threatening to kill my partner. This further estranged her from him and as we got closer she officially left him for me.

So, a contentious case. My partner is unsure how much monthly financial support to ask for from the ex since she left him for me, I’m able to provide for us, and we’re very committed to each other. But of course my partner also wants to make sure she’s covered, and the ex was abusive. What do you all think about this?

Thanks so much for the read and any thoughts/advice!

This is mainly a Uk forum so you'd be best asking in a US site if that is where you are as the laws are different.

Ethically, it should be nothing a month. The reason is that she is in a relationship with you now. Maintenance when there is a new partner on the scene is abhorrent to me.

The child support is as it should be, however cannot understand why a grown working adult would want spousal support from an ex. Why would she want her ex to continue to fund her life?

Agree with the matriarchy

ethically: split joint assets, take child supprt, earn your own way from
there

Thanks for the replies so far. My partner’s not considering asking for spousal support. In Canada where we live (didn’t know this was a UK forum!), spousal support is standard, perhaps that works differently here.

The ex is reluctant to give much for child support either because I’m in the picture. It’s tricky because I also love my stepdaughter and I can see how it is my ethical obligation to offer that financial support too.

Is he going to look after his daughter for half the time? If not then he needs to pay the set rates of child support. Takes 2 to make a baby and just because she has you doesnt excuse him from his responsibility to his daughter.

No knowledge of spousal support but from a moral/ethical point of view if she is with you then why does she need the support but on the other hand what if she wasn't with you? If its a standard thing thats expected then maybe find a common ground that maybe covers something like health insurance, car payment, pension payment.

It wouldn't matter if ex had the child half the time anyway, as they're in Canada (as am I now) so that only reduces the child support and doesn't eliminate it. It's calculated on a discrepancy between their two incomes.

Spousal support is not commonly awarded here but with his wage it likely would be. With his wage being above $150k though, all of this should be hashed out by lawyers. I'd be surprised if you could get a judge to sign off on a separation agreement without extensive legal advice. Your income and ability to contribute will possibly be considered if you're living together common law by the time they sort out their finances (so one year or upon the birth of a baby if you have one together).

the rules are pretty strict in canada, not sure she will have much of an option what to take or not in this case.
even if unnecessary at this point (something could happen) best if she takes all that is available to her and potentially put it aside for the child?

Really better off asking a Canadian site. Spousal support is not the norm here, and no one will be able to advise what's fair or not in your own country.

Thank you for the continued responses! I’ve not found an active Canadian forum to post this on, but it’s helpful hearing people’s feedback here regardless of the location.

I’ve heard the judges will only challenge a separation agreement if it’s blaringly unfair. I should’ve mentioned that my partner and ex are both working with lawyers to draft the plan. My partner’s lawyer recommends she vie for more support, but she wants to be fair and will likely take less. Split assets and partial child support are what my partner is leaning towards, but we’ll see how that shakes out and whether a judge says anything about that.