Finances if you leave your marriage

[GTMum84]

Over and over I contemplate leaving my husband. But realistically I am financially dependent on him and bury the thought for it only to keep reappearing over and over.

Married ten years with two school aged children and a mortgage. I work part time, and contribute to the house bills by giving him a lump sum monthly.

It’s not important to me to remain living in the family home and happy to have our children 50/50 but how would I financially afford to live. Even working full time my salary would be low and my pension terrible.

Would I be setting myself up for a terrible single future, when realistically the only problem is I just don’t love my husband and have no interest in him. we have drifted apart and he has no interest to admit this or see fault of his own, when we are both to blame. Do you just keep plodding on, as it out weighs the financial woes of being single.

How are you? Is their equity in the house and any savings?

Personally I don't think it's worth plodding along as one of you will likely end up seeking comfort elsewhere and it gets a lot worse.

Better to just face into it and make a plan to readjust. What line of work are you in, in terms of low salary?

If you want to leave, you need to really 'own your future' and that will mean making changes and decisions for yourself to provide a lifestyle you are happy with.

Which includes not staying in a loveless marriage. Life is full of possibilities.

Even working full time my salary would be low and my pension terrible.

That's life when you build a life around someone else's income and don't set things in place from a young age to be financially secure your whole life with or without a man

Modern living costs are very much geared to being in a two income relationship unless you earn above the National average and live in an affordable area

The reality is that you cant have the same standard of living you've become used to being married if you go it alone: So what's more important? Financial security - for you and your children? Or financial independence and a significant change in living standards??

Can't have it both ways.

You’ll need to think about full time work and ways to boost your own income

and understand what assets there are to split, what a likely settlement could look like

as above, you’ll need to own your own future - but remember he could also decide he’s had enough and wants out- so you might be in this position anyway

take control of your own life

If I worked full time I would be on £25,600 within a local authority role.

My social life is pretty non existent currently and don’t see it changing much. But bills, food shopping, petrol, children’s needs they all add up and how can you do that on the one wage, even with being strict surely it’s a load mentally.

but to continue and demonstrate to my own children that this is a life I wouldn’t want for them. And the reality of knowing you have failed at something then causing all that stress and heartache to people to only have made a wrong decision.

Then you manage with a combination

if full time salary
child maintenance
and working tax credits /benefits you might be entitied to claim

while seeking ways to increase your own income

This

Had you never met your husband what was your plan in life? Children aside I'm a great believer in the ending of a marriage not leaving someone better off than if they had never met the other person and had to work for everything themselves. Had you never met him presumably you'd still be earning £25k with a small pension? It shouldn't be his responsibility to elevate you financially above what you were always capable of earning just by marrying you and then you divorcing him

As others have said, you'll need to adapt. You might get slightly more than half the assets to set you on the way. Then you have a choice.

You either work out what your combined salary, universal credit, child benefit and child maintenance is and set a new budget based on this. Or you take reasonable steps to acquire better earnings. Local authorities are notorious for paying bad salaries so you could consider a new sector, new training etc to boost your earnings.

Personally, I'd rather be less well off financially with the potential to being happier, than to stay in a loveless, miserable marriage.

I have to agree with @usererror99 here, everyone is responsible for their own financial independence and its on you to improve your position if you want the same standard of living when single. I would rather be poorer and happier though, than in a miserable relationship

Firstly, please please see a family solicitor before you do anything. Don’t move out of your home, ask for their advice.
And know that you are not alone. I think about divorce multiple times a day, in fact I was awake at 5am this morning worrying about it 💐

OP you suggest your DH is also unhappy - free both of you if you can and get solid legal advice. No point in prolonging the inevitable if there is a possibility you can both be happy separately and show your kids another alternative. If you (or your DH) are miserable kids pick up on that and it seeps into a marriage. You have not failed and in ten years time you will look back and wonder why you did not do this sooner.

@GTMum84, if you divorced, you would pension share, so you get half of the joint total. Your stbexh would contribute to bringing up the kids. If you did 50/50 one week each, one week with stbexh then he'd buy half their clothes, school uniforms, toys, electronics etc and take them on half their holidays. You might get a UC top up or housing benefit. You'd share child benefits. If you ended up having kids 60/40 to then your stbexh would have to pay some child maintenance.

I did this in July and pretty much in the same position as you. I now work three jobs and get some universal credit. We live alright, we're not rolling in money but I'd rather go without stuff atm than still be living in that awful atmosphere. Tbh, I've never been happier. Was definitely the right thing to do. Very scary though, left without knowing how I was going to pay bills etc. I left the family home and rent. Hoping he'll agree to sell the house at some point.
The only trouble you may have is if you have equity in your house UC may see that as your savings. If you're planning to sell the home then they'll still give you money reviewed every six months until it sells. Good luck. I'd say go for it, life's too short to be miserable!

Also, it took me years to pluck up the courage to do it and I wish I'd done it ages ago

If you don’t mind me asking, how did you manage to get it all started? I’ve spoken to loads of estate agents who because I only work PT want a guarantor, even though I would get UC, and would have more than enough together with my wage for the property and UC won’t give me UC until my name is on a tenancy agreement. So I feel I am going around in circles. Any advice would be greatly appreciated.

Hi, I did have to get a guarantor. I was embarrassed to ask someone because, like you, I could afford it, but they said I didn't earn enough. I have child maintenance though and UC which, as you know, they won't take into consideration. In the end I eventually found a place and my BIL agreed to be my guarantor. Do you have someone you can ask at all?

Unfortunately not, I have spoken to my parents but it’s not something they are comfortable with. My youngest starts nursery school next September, so I’m wondering whether to try and increase my hours at that point to try and meet the no guarantor threshold. It’s so surprising how little help/support there is for leaving a marriage when your not the breadwinner and are the childcare.

@Chocolatequeen84 that’s really sad your parents won’t help you out. I definitely think going full time will help loads - will your ex-partner or your parents do more childcare to facilitate you working?

@WhatFreshHell1 so my parents are retired and live about an hour away, they moved away when I moved in with my husband 12 years ago. They’ve always said they will help, if they are about but since retirement they go on a lot of holidays and have really embraced the independence part of retirement. Which I can’t blame them for, my husband works full time and has started going away for work quite regularly with little notice so the hours I currently work are the only ones at the min which mean I don’t need to depend on anyone else, I’ve had to change my hours regularly as I was finding I didn’t have childcare. Hence why I’m thinking when my youngest starts nursery that may have to be the best solution.

Ahhh makes sense then. Is it Sept 23 when your youngest starts nursery? If so, that’s not too much longer to wait.