How to leave?

[Pleasehelpme12345]

I’m completely on my own no family, no friends, no money & no job. Been married 15 years & miserable for the past 7 - after lockdown he had a sort of mini breakdown blamed it all on stress said how he knew what he had to lose & went to counselling. I was done & wanted to leave but he talked me round as i’m trapped. I don’t like him nevermind love him but i’ve really tried last year was ok for 6 months & i actually started to believe things would change & then we hit a bad patch & his counselling finished (said he’d go back and hasn’t) bad few months as he’a stressed & busy all the time & takes it out on us. I need to leave he’s stormed out today after being in a mood & not up for the easter hunt & taken one of my kids (she willingly went despite hating him) younger 2 in tears (we’re heading out) & i’m done i just don’t know how to get away. I don’t think he’ll leave i think he’ll come home later & make out he’s beena doting dad & i’ve ruined today and its my all my fault (other 2 kids didnt want to to) its toxic, they notice & its affecting them so staying for them has made it all worse.

i should have listened to my mum & now i’m a failure & i’m all alone & scared - i can’t stay just because its easier as its no longer the case as he makes us all miserable. He won’t talk me down later (i need my daughter home 1st) but what do i do? I’ve no one to talk to!

Have you got somewhere to go to? While you are in on your own do your detective work, search for payslips, bank statements, P60's, do you have a joint account? Get all birth certificates, passports, your driving licence, car documents, pack a bag for all of you, have you got your own car? If so fill the boot, make sure you have any medication, special belongings, jewellery. Tuesday morning make an appointment at a solicitors to discuss divorce proceedings. Make sure you have enough cash & open a bank account in your own name.

Thank you. No where to go which is why i’m stuck (sahm no income, joint mortgage) he’s not controlling & i think he would keep paying for the house for us but then i need him gone & it he won’t go i can’t. Still out with my oldest (she’s messaged so ok) nothing from him & thats been 3 hours. Lost my mum pre kids & my dad last year & nothing to do with his family just feel like i’ve failed them & i’m stuck. Due some money when my dads house sells but thats another 6 months at least away so i had been hoping to stay until then to have some money to rent somewhere. I will get a job as he’ll have to be there for the kids some times but otherwise i am
completely dependant on him

In your situation I would try and stay until I got the house money (I know it must be incredibly difficult though as I have also been in a very toxic marriage). Keep you and the kids busy and out the house away from him as much as possible until you can leave. Don’t tell him you’re planning on leaving beforehand as he will try and talk you out of it or could turn nasty/emotionally blackmail you.
you will need a job to be able to rent somewhere so try and find one to start around the same time as you will be moving out (even if it’s just a stop gap one for a short while such as cleaning/supermarket work. They often employ people quickly and you won’t need recent work experience).
definitely speak to a solicitor too (they often give you a free 30 min appointment) so you can work out what you can get financially in the divorce. Keep going and hopefully this time next year you will be in a much happier situation away from him. You are not a failure and are being very brave wanting to take the next steps to leave

Thank you, that was the plan but he is getting worse & more shouting / arguing that the kids are seeing & i can’t shield them from. Only ever at weekends as we’re ok when he isn’t here. Had to change plans this morning as it got cancelled & thats what started him off. I’ve looked at a few jobs but can’t afford childcare & no family to help & he works long hours so when he has to have them i can try to get a job which i know i’ll need but i’m hoping with cash upfront i can get a short term lease anywhere to try to sort that side of things but it would be enough to keep us going for a bit & see if / what he pays and house sell would give some
more money not idea but not totally stuck like i am now. My mum never liked him but always said it was because she didnt want me to grow up and move out (i was in my 20s) rather than give a specific reason why. Caused big fall out & only got a bit better before she got ill. Wished me the best, was at the wedding etc but i feel like its all been for nothing now

Sorry to hear you don't have anyone to talk to. Has it always been like this? I agree with what @Violetrose1 said but appreciate this may not be easy.

Not always but since we had more than one kid. Got worse year on year. Full of apologies when we got in 🙄 daughter had an ok day but otherwise i’ve ignored him. Enough interaction to keep the peace like usual & try to stick it out until the money comes but not sure if i can or what i would do without it. Its horrible but he won’t change. I look at happy, sociable & fun dads & wish i had married one of them. My grandad was like that my dad wasn’t but at least i had him growing up but my kids have no one and are stuck with him as i made same mistake my mum did although hand on heart i didn’t just settle as she admitted she did. I did once (& it feels like so long ago i can’t even remember how it felt) love him so much it hurt. Genuinely believed i was lucky & thought it was forever but he’s not the same person & it more than just general life changes and stress he’s not the same person be was back then or even 10 years ago. I don’t like him

You've got a lot to think about. I'm sure it would help to get some professional advice if you can and from there maybe formulate a plan.

Phone womans aid in the morning. They'll be able to help. You need to get your kids out of harms way.