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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Children’s arrangements

25 replies

Sweetie1980 · 08/04/2023 21:08

i am going through a very hard divorce , it’s been going on since 2020 since my ex stalls a lot . We are now negotiating via solicitors as mediation did not work , he is very abusive and controlling . I work part time and am the children’s primary carer . He started off wanting 50/50 but is now suggesting 6/14 . He works from home and claims to be very flexible but has never been available for school runs /after school care etc . And I do all school holidays. This week I got quite a harsh letter from his solicitor detailing his proposals , he is saying when it’s his time for over nights I can pick them up , take them to clubs , collect and drop them back home at dads house . Although I would love to see the children I can’t help thinking he is doing this to extend his working day and limit maintenance by having sleep overs . I would like more stability during school week but offered one over night in week and then a long weekend the following week . His solicitor made out it would help me as I would see them most days . I was wondering if anyone has had similar ? I can’t help feeling this would be a huge advantage on his part.

OP posts:

Eggseggseverywhere · 08/04/2023 21:19

Please remember his solicitor will write any shite and not what him /her believe is actually best for the dc.
My exh sent me a letter demanding I take down my new blinds as he could no longer see into my house..
I didn't take them down..
Likely a judge would tell him he takes to clubs in his time. Beware he can't be ordered to actually take them. I didn't continue all the plans exh signed my dc up for. Judge said time with me was more important..

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 08/04/2023 21:23

Thanks for the reply , that is shocking re blinds . He wants them to do the clubs . It’s hard as I want to collect them after school and take them to their clubs but I feel he is using me to extend his working day .. he is also being difficult with the finances .

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 09/04/2023 07:20

youll most likely need to work full time too - what’s the plan then?

don’t agree to pick up and drop offs at his.
if he wants nights etc during week he’s responsible for after school etc

most working parents manage this with after school clubs, flexible working, etc - it’s called juggling, which is what I and many others do- and my kids did all their sports and extra curricular activities after 6 in the evening or weekends

Marchforward · 09/04/2023 07:31

Sounds like he wants to continue to use you as a free nanny.

snitzelvoncrumb · 09/04/2023 07:34

If he wants the kids, then he deals with everything that comes with it.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 09/04/2023 08:15

The problem is I want to see them most days , I am trying to get more hours from home so I can work evenings . I am just annoyed he is using it for maintenance avoidance which doesn’t seem fair . We have never had a 50/50 set up with childcare , I do absolutely everything . He has has got a ridiculously expensive lawyer , he swapped from a female to a male as apparently this would work more in his favour .

OP posts:

Eggseggseverywhere · 09/04/2023 09:21

Yabu to expect to still see them every day. As tough as it is I know!

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 09/04/2023 10:32

This is what my ex’s solicitor proposed , not me . He said I can collect and drop off /pick up at clubs on his overnights

OP posts:

millymollymoomoo · 09/04/2023 12:04

Things change when you’re no longer a nuclear family and roles previously once had need to change - typically those that are part time or sahp will need to work, and those that work will need to do more parenting
yiu doing the majority and seeing children worked while you were together presumably facilitated by his earnings. Him working has been facilitated by you looking after children

both these roles will need flexing, compromise and negotiation

its reasonable for him to want the children overnight, and you not to see them everyday, it’s not reasonable for him to expect you to facilitate school pick ups and activities all the time and act like a taxi service for him

RandomMess · 09/04/2023 12:11

You need to take a massive step back and realise a few things

you are walking into a situation where he still controls you
you will not be able to have daily contact with your DC any more
you will need to work full time asap due to COL
this will end up in court and you need an absolute blocked down fixed agreement or he will carry on abusing you.

Counter offer 5/15 in a pattern that works for you and grey rock everything else.

Ultimately the court will rule.

Singapore4 · 09/04/2023 12:20

Just breathe OP. Its not down to a solicitor to dictate it will be a legal advisor most likely in a court that rules a C.A.O. How old are the children?

A lot of men come with this shit in the heat of the moment I had this with my ex. I told him he would need to cover school holidays and take full responsibility. Which includes inset days too.

Make sure you are splitting weekends because you need a break and a social life also!

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 09/04/2023 15:36

@RandomMess thanks , I have suggested 5/14. His solicitor is actually suggesting I see the children every day for their benefit , which I understand . If I can try and work full time at home then I will take this , it just means he will benefit from two hours of free childcare but I will see the children for a few hours , which I would love and I could work into the evening . It just annoys me that he is asking for overnights just to lower maintenance and control .

OP posts:

RandomMess · 09/04/2023 15:47

He would use that every day contact to mess you around. Don't agree to it.

He will use it to insist he can see them on your days.

If you switch it to phone/FaceTime he will use that to intrude on your days.

His solicitor is also using it to justify him having them 6/14 as they will still see you everyday day.

You need to say NO, that's not appropriate when there has been long standing abuse and you have been primary carer and he hasn't built a relationship with them for the last x years

You offer 5/14 to be built up over time.

titchy · 09/04/2023 15:50

His solicitor is actually suggesting I see the children every day for their benefit , which I understand

No he is not. He is suggesting that for his client's benefit - ie your ex's. It benefits the children far more to see their dad stepping up fully and being completely involved in their lives, picking up from school and taking to activities. It does NOT benefit them to see their mum being treated like a skivvy even after their parents are separated.

Nothing his solicitor does is for yours or the children's benefits. You MUST get that into your head.

penguinfacebum · 10/04/2023 07:13

Agree with PP. it's all for the ex's benefit. It is so shockingly hard to move to not seeing your kids every day. But you will adjust. It probably won't be quality time either, as you'll be rushing about with them. It they get grumpy about rushing/daily life, you might feel affected by it, then you have to drop them somewhere else to sleep. It will be even harder....

You ex needs to step up and not use you for free childcare. In time, you may even want to do something for yourself on these nights. I know it might fee unthinkable now... I'm 15 months out the other side (50/50 split) and it has been torture.... but it's amazing how you do eventually cope.

MintJulia · 10/04/2023 07:23

OP, do not agree to every day contact because:

Your ex will use it to control your life. He won't co-operate now but it will get worse. He will insist you hover in the wings to fit around his hours and therefore have no time or a life of your own

It will limit your earnings potential significantly.

Child maintenance payments are calculated on how many nights are spent at each parent. If you agree to do all the running around, he can claim 50:50 and so contribute nothing, while you have been forced to work part time, are paying for all the clubs, clothes, snack, petrol etc. If you refuse to do the fetching and carrying on his days, he won't want to change his work pattern so will probably choose to do EOW and one evening per week.

My ex demanded 50:50 and it lasted precisely one weekend.

Honestly, don't play his nasty game. Don't let him manipulate you. You will end up with more dc time by not co-operating. And NEVER EVER trust his solicitor. They are working against you, that's their job.

mamnotmum · 10/04/2023 07:56

Firstly his solicitor is doing nothing because they think it's best for you. They are proposing EXACTLY what DH wants.

The days he has the children he needs to be solely in charge. It feels a long way off now but at some point in the future you'll meet someone new, you'll want to plan days out and evenings away and have days where you aren't responsible for taking the kids to activities.

You need as little contact with your ex as possible. His days are his - you don't want to unsettle the kids on those days, you want them to have as much time as possible with their father and him to have the opportunity to make plans when the clubs aren't on.

Nightynightnight · 10/04/2023 08:06

Listen to these posters. This kind of arrangement suits no one except the selfish, last parent who wants to both parent and pay less.

Usually what is best for the children is the kind of parenting pattern they are used to. So if he was a 50/50 kind of dad who shared all aspects of parenting then that will continue post separation. If he wasn't then it is unlikely he would get 50/50. Depending on their ages, the children may be able to have a say in where they sleep.

You keep talking about what his solicitor is saying....where is your solicitor in all of this? Do you have one?

If seeing your children everyday means more to you than having a healthy and boundaried relationship with their dad then go for it. But remember children model everything we do.

Tiswa · 10/04/2023 08:09

This is t actually going to be for your children’s benefit. You are now separated and what they need is a clearly defined routine and time set out with both parents.
the only person this benefits is him and you need to push back

MadeForThis · 10/04/2023 08:25

He wants 50/50 but with none of the responsibilities.

Tell him that you will be working on his nights so will not be able to cover childcare.

If you want to see the kids everyday then your only chance is to not play his game.

He will not stop working early to bring them to clubs. Don't facilitate this and he will soon drop to EOW.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 10/04/2023 08:31

Thank you everyone . I believe what you are saying makes sense . He hasn’t been a 50/50 parent . He has told his solicitor he is very flexible as he works from home , he would not want to do the after school stuff after 3pm as he would need to stop working . I have a solicitor but she hasn’t had chance to respond . . I will suggest 5/14 and he can be responsible on his days . I imagine he won’t agree as he wants to pay no maintenance . Is 6/14 classed as 50/50? The other thing is he has an anger problem when stressed which triggered his abuse , I would not want the kids to feel anxious around him . DD is 11 and DS 7

OP posts:

HesDeadBenYouCanStopNow · 10/04/2023 09:00

Sweetie1980 · 10/04/2023 08:31

No 6:14 is not 50:50 he would still need to pay child maintenance

Plus I agree you shouldn't facilitate child care on his days. It just makes it easier for him to demand more days.

Original poster

Sweetie1980 · 10/04/2023 09:04

Thank you . I can’t believe a solicitor would be so manipulative, that’s what 400 per hour gets you

OP posts:

RandomMess · 10/04/2023 09:51

Cafcass will speak to the DC, your eldest will be listened to.

Offer up to 5/14 if the DC are happy with that and for it to be built up over several months and at a pace the DC are happy with.

Ensure you are constantly framing it as in the DC best interests and being led my both their needs and wants.

Even if it were 50:50 if he was a much higher earner than you it's possible to receive CMS from him. Have a play with the on line calculator.

Are you currently claiming from him?

TheFireflies · 10/04/2023 13:05

RandomMess · 10/04/2023 09:51

Cafcass will speak to the DC, your eldest will be listened to.

Offer up to 5/14 if the DC are happy with that and for it to be built up over several months and at a pace the DC are happy with.

Ensure you are constantly framing it as in the DC best interests and being led my both their needs and wants.

Even if it were 50:50 if he was a much higher earner than you it's possible to receive CMS from him. Have a play with the on line calculator.

Are you currently claiming from him?

They won’t necessarily speak to the children. If there’s general agreement that both parents spend time with the children but the dispute is over how many days, it’s unlikely to be a welfare issue which would require Cafcass involvement.

OP, the solicitors are just doing what they’ve been instructed and paid to do. You just have to explain what you’re offering and why that’s in the children’s best interests and ultimately if you don’t both agree on what that looks like, a judge will decide based on the children’s best interests going on what you both have to say about that.

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