Feeling stuck - How can I move on?

[foodiemum80]

Looking for some advice and things that worked for others please?

Husband left 5 months ago out of the blue and I'm still really struggling to deal with it all. Have since discovered there is OW involved (surpise surprise). I get up and go to work, kids are cared for but I just cannot stop thinking about everything over and over. Constantly wondering what I could have done differently, how did I miss the signs, what he's up to, is he with her etc etc. It's exhausting.

Everyone keeps saying how well I'm coping but I just feel I'm not at all. I have no choice but to get through a day. I just feel utterly heartbroken and aggrieved that this is not the life I chose for myself. How do I shake myself out of this? I don't want to end up bitter.

You are going through a grieving process. All completely normal feelings.

5 months is no time at all. Keep giving yourself time and space to process it all and I swear as the months go on you’ll care less and less.

I’m with you. DH left 7 months ago. Started seeing someone new a couple of months later. We have a 7 year old DD and 2 year old DS. I’m devastated. Still working, getting the children sorted, to school/nursery. But I keep pleading with him to come home. I’ve had a brief look at online dating and it seems utterly miserable (I’m 44…all the men look awful and I don’t get many likes). I feel like I’ve ruined my life and I can’t imagine ever being ok again. I don’t want to be alone. I want so badly to rewind to the start of this year and to do it all differently. I’m going through the motions on the outside but I’m a shell of a person. I can’t see anything good ahead of me.

I agree with @Pleasecreateausername13 5 months isn't that long and it can vary so much from person to person. I think distraction worked well for me and dealing with my feelings head on.

@passingcloud Would you take him back now?

It's just such an awful situation to be in @passpassingcloud. Although our life together wasn't perfect by any means, I just expected we would grow old together. I find myself being so resentful about having to do all life's menial tasks on my own now. He's moved in to a place ridiculously close to our family home in to a lovely new house. Probably like you, I just don't know where to start on my own.

Thank you @Pleasecreateausername13 and @FridayKnight. We were together for 25 years so it'sa real shock to the system. I felt better when I was angry, I just feel sorry for myself now and I'm not used to feeling like that.

Yes it’s that feeling of having your future taken away. I just don’t know where to start in rebuilding myself. I would take him back in a heartbeat and I keep thinking about that, even though he’s been extremely clear that it’s never going to happen. I just can’t see how to get through this.

I’m so sorry that you’re going through it too.

I'm so so sorry @passingcloud. I don't think I could bear to take mine back. I am so sad and angry that he's treated me so badly after all this time together. The thought of possibly having to go through this again is what stops me trying to reconcile. I'm wishing you so much love and strength. We can get through this shit storm x

I am going through the same. Split 5 weeks ago. He blamed me. Turns out he is having an affair. I want my old husband and old life back, but this current person is not that. I see him as weak and pathetic to walk out on his family and children for a younger woman who will probably want children and he will do it all again. This book helped

Leave a Cheater, Gain a Life: The... https://www.amazon.co.uk/dp/B06XBY1T7F?ref=ppx_pop_mob_ap_share

And I just have to keep reminding myself that he is a selfish person who would do the same again if we got back together as that is who he is. I doubt I will even think about dating for a long time. I'm 44 too.

Thanks @curlychocs I will take a look at that book. Dating hasn't really crossed my mind yet. I've not been on my own my whole adult life so going to take some time to see how that goes.

I don't want him back but I miss him at the same time. Especially now the initial anger has subsided. Feeling all the feelings just now x

I'm in a similar situation, goes round and round in my head. Keeps me awake, stops me being productive.. I just can't seem to get past what he's done. Children are fine and I'm functioning but inside it's crippling me. I'm 8months on from leaving the family home.. he gave us no choice - ironically it's now my fault we've split (he had numerous affairs and even lived a double life whilst working overseas) 🙄 he's also being particularly difficult which doesn't help. Just ordered that book, I'll try anything to help.

It's awful that we're all going through this. But thanks for making me feel like I'm not alone. My friends and family have been absolutely amazing and I'm lucky to have them but sometimes I just feel I don't want to burden them. Plus I don't really know what I need. I'm downloading the book now!

Totally get that, I kind of stopped talking about it - those who know have heard the sorry story and probably don't want to hear chapter and verse over and over. I feel like I'm in some sort bizarre nightmare that just keeps going. I want it to stop, I've stated the wheels in motion for counselling which I hope will help.

I think that's a good shout for the counselling @tryandfindmenow. I hope that really helps you and I'd love to know how it goes. I have considered it myself but trying to watch my money just now. I haven't even got wheels in motion for sorting out finances, house or anything. My house is a tip, my head is a tip. I just feel paralysed by the anxiety of it all, I'm sure you'll understand that too.

HI - I just popped on to say to those on this thread - it gets better.
I am 5 years post divorce and I have to say life is now good - but I do remember the early days when it feels like a bomb has been set off in your life. The grieving cycle is normal and you will go through periods of sadness, anger and later elation.
Try to focus on some positives - even if that is just being able to choose what to have for dinner or having total control over the TV.
I guess you have some time alone when your ex has any children you share? Try to use those times as time off - and an opportunity to enjoy a bit of me time. I joined a walking group on "meet-ups" which helped fill child free weekends and I met a couple of other ladies who were divorced. It was nice to have some new people to talk to. There are tons of groups on there so you are likely to find something you are in to.

Sorting out the finances and home and the legal process of divorce all takes time - its a marathon not a sprint. Just concentrate on making small steps forward.

Good Luck!!

@curcurlychocs Hi, I just wanted to come back and say thank you for recommending that book. It's exactly what I needed and has been really helpful. Who knew cheaters were so predictable!

No problem. It just shows how the cheating playbook is the same for everyone!!! We will get through this