I don't know if I can do this anymore

[pemb]

Married for 15 years, i instigated a separation after realising that I was married to a narcissist who would never ever put me or the children first.
It's been hell.
Separated for 6 months and I don't know if I can take much more. Since the separation my ex is living the perfect life, going out when he wants doing what he wants when he wants. Currently going through mediation but I just can't see us agreeing on anything .
I don't know how this is going to be sorted out and quite honestly I can't see the light at the end of the tunnel and I just don't want to be here anymore.

No advice but a lot of sympathy from me. I have a horrible feeling this will be my future too.

Hang in there and keep your eyes on the horizon. One day you will be free

Thank you for your reply.
I just know it's going to get a lot more nasty and I'm not sure I can handle it. I have three kids and im trying so hard to minimise the impact this is having or will have on them. I have never wanted to disappear so much in all my life . X

Try solving just one step at a time. Creating a bit of space for yourself to heal is the first step.

If your ex is getting a lot of freedom and you’re not, why is that? Is he not having the children overnight at all? Can you aim to get some days set where he will have them? Even every second weekend?

I found that my narcissist ex behaved a lot better when he was in front of someone he considered to be important. It could be worth investing in a couple of mediation sessions with someone very well-known or respected. Narcissists hate to look unreasonable in front of people they respect. Is your ex currently refusing to play ball even with a mediator?

Your kids need you no matter what happens. You’ll dig deep and find the strength but today just find the strength for right now.

Try to find a champion. Someone no-nonsense who can either deal with him on your behalf like a shit-hot lawyer, or someone who will cheerlead for you on the sidelines, like a strong-minded friend or relative.

Basically things got really nasty in the beginning, I called him out on him going out all the time and not coming home. The day I confronted this issue was the day that made my decision to end the relationship. I'm not reluctant to write to much incase these posts come up in an obscure google search but he put his hands on me.
He then went and told everyone including making special trips to MY friends houses to tell them that he has really tried to save the relationship and I didn't..
I have now moved into the smallest room of the house and basically spend most of my time in it. I do everything I need to do for the kids and be with them but as soon as they are in bed that is where I go. So he has the run of the house really. I do not trust anything he says, he has said some really ridiculous lies that actually has no gain for anyone so I don't know why he does it. He tried to throw me out, took the family car off me said I couldn't be in the house if I didn't pay half for everything.
Things have settled down quite a lot but I'm still uncomfortable we do a weekend on weekend off even though we still live together, (his suggestion) except whether it's his weekend off or not he goes out Thursday Friday , and then when it's his weekend off Saturday Sunday aswell . When it's my weekend off I'm expected to do things for the kids up until if I decide to go out, even when I'm out I get messages about when I'm coming back etc. and because I feel guilty I'm not with my children I come back earlier than I probably should but then end up doing bedtime.
It's such a mess, one of the top reasons things went wrong was because I felt like a single parent and now it's even worse because he goes out even more and does even less for them.
We have just had loads of work done to the house, I used all of my savings which was a fair bit (actually my inheritance) I want the house to be sold so we can divide finances and I can get somewhere else but that is proving to be more difficult than I thought, I don't really want to rent but I don't think I have a choice. Nothing I have done in the past 15 years counts, bringing up the kids, working in between, doing all sorts of things of this family, im halfway through a degree too. I just want to get the fuck out of here. We have agreed to have the kids shared but I can't see that working either when he realises he's bachelor lifestyle will end.
There so much more that's happened that actually you probably wouldn't believe. I just have a funny feeling he is going to try and make things as hard as possible so I have to stay here to be the on hand baby sitter .

Been there, got the scars. A wise friend told me that the first year after splitting up is madness and chaos, and she was right.

Firstly, this will pass and you will be free and the pain now will be the gain for the rest of your life. Grit your teeth and hang on in there.

What is stopping you from living separately - do you need to sell the house? Definitely look at renting if it will get you out quicker. Focus on that bit, getting physically separated from him will make all the difference even if you do end up with the kids much more of the time than he has them.

I had been bullied by XDH for 18 years which made it very difficult for me to stop giving in to him when we decided to split. Find a friend or a counsellor or someone you can he honest with to give you strengthening advice.

It will be so well worth it, believe me!

Thank you for your reply.
He wants to keep the house and lord it up saying I have left and he wants to keep the house for the kids. I don't want to keep the house it's a 5 bedroom property and is WAY more than what I need. I'm not working at the moment as I'm half way through a degree and I have spent my £50k savings on this house. He has a good job and pensions which he doesn't want me to have. He doesn't want me to have anything no child maintenance no martial support. I haven't got the money to rent anywhere until the house is sold but he is and will drag his feet about it. I am so angry with myself for allowing this to go on for so long but I just don't trust him. In the first mediation session he tried to make out that I was an unfit parent and wouldn't be able to have them at all as I'm too busy with university. What sort of fucking disgusting low blow is that. But he's more than happy for me to have them constantly whilst he goes out getting pissed and just doesn't come back. X

Been there, got the t-shirt. Luckily my ex moved out into rented, we are divorced now but I'm still stuck in the marital home as it won't sell and he uses every single opportunity to use that against me.

Honestly, you need to stop hiding away. Don't let him have the run of the house while you are in the box room. If he calls you on your time asking when you will be back, ignore or just say I'm not sure. You are giving him the power. Decide on your own boundaries and stick to them like glue. If he goes out and stays out then good, that's your time to breathe a sigh of relief. If he's out shagging and enjoying himself then brilliant, hopefully he will meet someone and give him the motivation to get this wrapped up.

As for painting you as the bad parent and bad mouthing you to people. Who cares what he says, the people who matter will know the truth and that's what really matters. I've been threatened with being reported to social services, the school, the police....never heard from any of them. You have to find your inner strength because he will throw everything at you that he can.

I can almost bet my 69.58% of the house I own (yes not 70% that's how petty it got) that mediation will not work, you cannot reason with them. Act decisively and get the court ball rolling, show him you mean business.

In the words of my 16 year old daughter, you are a bad bitch and can do this ❤️

Thank you so much.
I know I've been a massive push over and honestly it's because I was scared. He had never done anything like that before but he turned into this monster that I didn't know and he still drinks A LOT.
My biggest concern is that he will try to use the house and say we can't sell it for the kids sake but I don't think a court would agree on either of us keeping it as it's far to big for what is NEEDED. He keeps forgetting that it's about NEED not WANT.
I just want this fucking nightmare to be over. How I've managed to force myself to stay here I do not know.. for my children that is the only thing it can be. He also likes to fill there head with shit and say things to them like this is my house and when mummy moves out things like that.
I hope that when my children are older they will be able to make there own decision on why I chose to "ruin the family" and I hope they understand why. X

Lot's of good supportive advice here, the only thing I am going to say is stick with it, use a solicitor and do not let the ridiculous comments, i.e about doing your degree (GOOD ON YOU btw) to stop you pursuing what you want.

It will be hard, try and embrace that idea for your future happiness.

The stress is enough to withdraw and not go forward BUT you can do this. Every divorce/separation is unique for everyone but despite that people have survived this and YOU can do this too.

Find real support, you might find that outside of a normal circle of friends and family, people who relate.

You will have better days than others and just try and ride the waves.

I wish you well for your future happiness.

Well he can keep the house if he can afford to give you your share, and if he can't it will have to be sold. The courts won't let you go without. My ex wanted a 70/30 split in his favour and it ended at 50/50 as there is enough to split and us both move on.

Your kids will know who is there for them and who is their safe space. Just be the constant for them.

Just to say, be prepared for the ridiculousness to get worse for a while when you put your boundaries in place but weather it all and stick to them. The worst trigger for my ex is my boundaries! He cannot stand it, I am unreasonable, lying, playing the victim, bad parent, not putting the kids first, blah blah. It's just useless words.

Have you spoken to a solicitor yet about the finances? You keep saying he doesn't want to sell the house or wants to keep his pension. That is not how it works. A mediator will just try to get both sides to get to an agreement, but won't tell you want you could legally be entitled to. Start there, once you know where you stand you will become stronger.

If he calls when you are out, either don't answer or turn your phone off.

Assume he won't have the dc once the divorce is over. Assume he won't pay cm. If he does either it will be a bonus, if he doesn't then you won't be disappointed.

Finally, have you spoken to a GP regarding your low mood (and why), they might be able to help, whether its medication or counselling or refer you to a self help group.

Hi. I'm 15 months post leaving my narc ex. It has been hell on earth, and I've had all the same crap about being a bad parent, there has been awful stuff said to the kids about me, and basically every text book thing you read about divorcing a narc has happened. Get yourself educated on how they behave, and how you should behave in return.

This podcast has been a life saver for me podcasts.apple.com/gb/podcast/the-narcissistic-abuse-trauma-recovery-podcast/id1527479270

It does start to get easier. Or maybe you just start to get stronger. My biggest worry was the attempted destruction of my relationship with my kids. But we are coming out the other side. We have 50/50 shared custody, which sucks. But when they are with me, life is good for the three of us.

I hope you get free and find your peace. Hang in there x

I could have written this. Wasted 11 hours of mediation and about 7 months of litigation before I realised that NOTHING other than a judge, in court, would make any difference. Issue proceedings asap. That would be my advice. You can still negotiate while you wait for a date for your first hearing.

Ditch the mediation - waste of time. Take back your power op, you are letting him away with murder. Get a lawyer and get the ball rolling re a financial split and a divorce. He’s not the man you married and he will not play fair - you need to start to assert yourself op. I have been there btw, and I am sorry you are going through this but this too shall pass and a happier life awaits you.