Have I misread the signs or has he been leading me on?

[Headachetime]

My husband moved out 6 months ago. He's been staying with family and unfortunately our children can not stay there over night due to a lack of space. He has therefore been coming to the house to do breakfasts/bedtimes around 3x a week.

Things have been mostly civil but at times difficult due to the nature of our split. His controlling family have had a lot of involvement so there is bad feeling between myself and them. He has a lot of loyalty to his family of origin however and never really emotionally left home.

However, over the last 2 weeks, things have been pleasant between my ex and I when he's been at the house. I mostly keep out of the way when he's here, but he has brought me a cup of tea upstairs to my bedroom a few times, stayed after putting the children to bed to chat to me on the sofa and we've eaten one meal together as a family. He has cleaned and vacuumed a couple of times without me asking and been generally helpful.

Last night he stayed a little later again after putting the children to bed and we sat chatting about work and life, then before he left, I went to kiss him and he pulled back saying it was inappropriate. I'm confused.

I thought that he was trying to reunite and rekindle our marriage, but this would suggest that he hasn't been. If I'm honest, I think that deep down, he wants to work things out, but feels like he's cheating on his family of origin by doing so because they have written me off! I know how messed up that sounds, but it's exactly how messed up it is.

I need some advice?

What is a family of origin?

He trying to be nice for the sake of the children. Hes trying for some sort of normality for the children. He wants the children to feel secure. Its not for you, its for them. Let him go.

Family of origin is a bizarre term?

Sounds like he's just trying to be friendly and amicable and you've misread the situation.

I assume by family of origin you mean parents, siblings cousins etc.

This man left you. If he wanted to be with you, he would. He hasn’t left because his family have written you off. If he wanted to be with you, he wouldn’t care what they thought.

If you thought he wanted to get back together, then you should have had a discussion. Not worked on the assumption you knew what he was thinking.

I don't think it's fair on you that he continues to do all of his parenting in your home. You're not free to draw a boundary in your heart.

This is a situation that suits him and is good for the children but you have to put on your oxygen mask here.

The children have to get used to their father putting them to bed less. You need the distance. Maybe he could come around once a week and you head out to the gym to the shops, to a friends house or to the cinema. once a week.

You cannot continue like this. If you say no to him, you might see a less obliging side to him too, which would harden your heart a bit.

perhaps the word 'no' might also propel him to figure out a way to do a bit more parenting in his small space.

Parents and siblings (rather than spouse and children)

Stbxh and I chat about work and so on, despite his abuse and our separation we slip into the conversations we've always had, it's a familiar pattern from 2 decades together. He doesn't love me and there is no way in hell I'm getting into a relationship with him ever again, it's just familiarity. If your stbxh really wanted back in he'd be doing a whole lot more than he is. The blurred boundaries are really damaging if you both want different things, go out or go into your bedroom or somewhere else when he's there. He should be getting used to doing it on his own and the lack of boundaries really won't be healthy for your DC who might see it as Mum and Dad are acting like they're still together. I'm hoping Stbxh will move out, either way once we tell the kids we'll be doing our own things with them and not pretending we're one big happy family when we're not. You need to draw heathy boundaries and stick to them.

Why did you break up?

Yes I agree @xPaz and @EliflurtleTripanInfinite him coming into my space is so hard. I was doing well prior to his recent attentiveness and had started dating again and getting out more. Then the cups of tea started, him coming into my bedroom to bring them and my feelings began stirring again.

I have said countless timee about selling the house and us buying a smaller property each so that we can both move on and see the children separately but he says he doesn't want to and that this setup works for him. I'm not sure how I'll ever meet anyone else like this. I'm also craving physical touch and connection after months of there not being any, so this is far from ideal!

His family came between us @bombemma . They got involved in our relationship counselling and stirred the pot after years of me asking him to attend. He started addressing his behaviour at last and then his family got involved telling him the counsellor was wrong and that I had manipulated the counsellor to get him to do what I wanted. Completely bizarre behaviour. I confronted them about it, they played victims and he was mortified that I spoke out about it and he left me. They're a very sneaky, snidey, secretive family who don't like my outward and honest way of dealing with things. They are now very happy to have him home again, under their roof.

I find it odd that people are so confused by the term "family of origin" it's extremely self explanatory.

You need to start putting boundaries in place.

Sounds like he wants his cake and eat in terms of still experiencing day to day family life but without the commitment of a wife

My ex tried this with me. Didn't want to parent full time - made that quite clear as his reason for leaving but expected to be here daily to suit him doing the fun bits of parenting before fucking off for the hard bits like dinner time, bath time, bed time, sleepless nights.

I set in place that he handed his keys to the house back and he was to see the kids every other weekend and eldest he could collect from school once a week. The rest of the time I didn't want to see or hear from him.

Any contact he has at our home - he doesn't have suitable accommodation for overnights - is when I need to do errands and then he leaves when I get back.

I had a similar experience with my ex mother and father-in-law. It turned out they were very toxic and manipulative indeed, and went to great lengths behind closed doors to interfere in our marriage. They still do to this day even though we are now divorced. I have custody of our kids and the dysfunctional relationship their mother has with her parents means we cannot co-parent effectively. My ex is an only child and her parents are extremely controlling, to the point where it is abusive TBH.

I was played like a fiddle and I didn’t realise it until right at the very end. It was gaslighting for sure. My ex has serious mental health difficulties and it’s easy to see why, when you meet her parents.

There is only ever room for 2 people in a marriage…….

Anyway, I am saying all of this OP, because it sounds like it’s impacting you in a very similar way it did me.

There is some great advice on this thread about boundaries. Please take it. Look after yourself, put the boundaries in place. Get these damaging people out of your life and only maintain the contact that is necessary.

I agree he wants his cake and to eat it. This suits him @Headachetime , he gets regular easy access to DC doesn't have to feed them or house them or clean up after them or wake up early or do school runs or laundry. Plus he can move on and date and he has zero childcare to have to work around. He obviously doesn't care what it costs you, another reason not to go back. Given your update, that he wants the status quo to remain and the timing I'm wondering if those gestures are purposeful manipulation to keep you from moving on? He's got the set up he wants.

A good father would want more then this with their kids. I'd get in the driving seat, apply for mediation, see a lawyer and start pushing the divorce forward. He's counting on you not wanting to let go so he can get an easy ride and Disney Dad while still seeing his DC regularly. He is not a nice person. Call his bluff, get the divorce rolling and get him out of his life so you can move on properly.

Yes I see where you're coming from @EliflurtleTripanInfinite he's already told me that he could remain with the way things are indefinitely.

I know I referred to him as "husband" in the OP but we're actually not married so my only move really would be to force the sale of the house. It's just easier to refer to him as that on MN before people jump on it and derail the thread.

I don’t understand why it is easier to call your ex DP your husband. That is giving him a title he never had. How can you move on if he is coming to your bedroom with cups of tea? I know some people that are close to their ex DH, but usually some time has passed and one or both have new partners. I think it is relevant this behaviour started when you were starting to date. He doesn’t want to be with you, but he is trying to stop you being in a situation where you can see anyone else. As @EliflurtleTripanInfinite highlights, he has you just where he wants you.