Should I tell DS

[findthecourage]

I could really do with some advice please. I have been lurking in the background and participating in some threads the past 2 years. Backstory- asked to separate from narcissistic exH for 2 years. He won't move out. Silent treatment etc
Now I'm reacting in kind, I have literally nothing left to say to him. We have a 10yr old DS. Atmosphere horrific at home due to silence. I previously tried all forms of communication with exH. Nothing worked.
Sadly now I cannot even acknowledge his father when I come through the door. I know this is wrong- have been subjected to emotional abuse for over 20 years so have simply had enough.
I am unable to sell family home until next March. The question is this, do I tell my DS that his father and I have separated but still living together due to financial reasons? ExH & I had agreed not to say anything until there was physical movement but I am anxious that this is the wrong thing to do for DS well being- he is quite a 'young' 10 year old.
Apologies for long post but am spiralling now with anxiety.
Any advice on what others have experienced with be so gratefully welcomed 💖

Would you try to initiate divorce?

@SeulementUneFois I have started the process, early stages, have met with solicitors etc. I have been getting my financial ducks in a row so to speak. I can afford to pay everything while DS remains in primary, if his father would move out & rent. He has refused
My plan is to sell next March when sorted secondary school application, fixed rate on mortgage etc
But you may be right, I might just have to go ahead and petition for divorce sooner rather than later. Atmosphere is exceptionally toxic- that is the worry for my DS. Any advice would be gladly received !

So your poor son has been living in this horrific atmosphere all his life? That's horrendous. It's not that I don't feel for you and what you have been and are still going through but seriously, get you and your son our of there. You can't make the poor boy go through another year of such toxicity. It must awful for him. No wonder he's a 'young' 10, he's probably retreated into himself, not knowing what the hell is going on, or growing up thinking this is a normal, healthy relationship and its OK to treat women like shit.
I'm very concerned about his wellbeing.

Hi @findthecourage I've seen your reply on the other thread. What can I say? I feel exactly the same, that I've got my kids trapped in this awful atmosphere of my own making. The fact is, he's caused me to feel this way, but he seems to find a way to make it look as if it's me who's being miserable and silent and therefore the bad guy. Like you, I just don't want to talk to the man. He will occasionally try to start a conversation or make a comment on something that's on tv, but I pretty much ignore him, and that looks like I'm being ignorant. I do think the kids can see that the whole situation is unhealthy, and that his behaviour is the reason for it, but at the same time I also think they might feel a bit sorry for him that I don't speak to him. So they're stuck in limbo, and I hate it. I would love to open up and tell them how unhappy I am and that I want their dad to leave, but I feel that it's the wrong thing to do. But is it equally wrong to never mention it at all and hope they're just ok, brushing aside the elephant in the room time and time again. I've no idea what to advise you. My youngest is 11, so near in age to yours, and it's impossible to know what's in their minds or how they'll react to the news. I'm guessing the response from those offering advice is that honesty is the best policy. But it's very hard. Here I am sitting in a carpark not wanting to go home til the kids are in from school as I don't want to be on my own with dh. One day I have to break this avoidance cycle and get on with it. I do hope you find a way to talk to your son, keep us up to date x

@Gingergirl70 I am deeply concerned too which is why I reached out to you all. I am not a weak woman but sadly have been subjected to horrific concealed emotional abuse over a 20 year period. I have Never knowingly subjected my DS to this & have tried my utmost to do the very best by him& have successfully protected him up until 2021. His father has become horrific to deal with over the past 2 years since I asked to separate. My boy has not been subjected to this his whole life but yes I agree with you the past 2 years he has. I am desperately trying to get out and provide for my child independently. I do not have family here- my parents have passed away so I am steadily squirrelling away every penny to get out. I judge myself more harshly than anyone else but do accept the indignation in your reply & the fear for my child

@AlwaysTheGoodGirl Our situations are uncannily similar. I too dread going into the house and literally hold my breath as I turn the key. I know honesty is best & I Will do it. I was just reaching out in the hope that someone who may have been there before could offer me some tips on how to start an age appropriate conversation with my son
Thank you everyone for your responses, I appreciate them sincerely

You've been abused for 20 years, and your son is 10, so yes, it had been his whole life. As much as you'd like to think the abuse was 'concealed', do you really think DC is/was oblivious to it all? If you think he hasn't been deeply affected by this, then you're delusional. Even if you're two year estimate is correct (it's not), you've still admitted to him living in 'horrific' conditions for that period and you're seriously contemplating waiting another year before leaving? When the only things a 10 year old should be worrying about us starting secondary school, your poor son must dread every second spent in that house and even when in school or out for a day out, must fear having to return.
You've already stated you could cope financially if DH moved out, so why can't you cope financially renting somewhere safe and secure for you and DC instead?

Contact Women's Aid or a similar charity. The NSPCC? They'll help you to talk to your DC and hopefully make you realise what damage is being done to your DC and help you both get out of this situation as quickly as possible

@Gingergirl70 thank you for those suggestions. Very much appreciated. I am acutely aware of the damage I have caused my boy already