Husband bailed on ABH pending investigation / now taken has my children & not letting them contact me

[Annamumoftwo]

Advice is needed I am desperate and in despair.

I instigated divorce proceedings against my husband in January. After years of working at our long-term marriage, his controlling / sometimes violent behaviour wasn't something I could live with any more as it was having a severe impact on my health mentally and physically. He has also been unwell, and diagnosed with a degenerative brain condition 5 years ago additionally which has made it harder to make that decision.

Unfortunately, it caused an escalation of his behaviour and ended up with me with a facial injury in A and E and the police arresting him. He is bailed and has not been allowed near me for 3 months. I am in the family home. I am worried about what will happen when the 3 months are up as he seems hell-bent on causing me as much suffering as possible as an act of revenge. He wished me dead and said he is going to make my life hell.

He has a very good job earning approx £100k a year but has cut me off from all financial support. I am on a waiting list for legal aid. I do have a (not greatly paid) full-time job but have no access to any savings or assets I can use towards solicitors. He was also very controlling financially. I have used all my wages towards a private solicitor but just ran out now of money until the legal aid comes through and having to use a new solicitor victim aid found for me for the divorce and child orders, but it's taking ages.

The worst part is 4 weeks ago he persuaded my children 18 and 14 to stay with him via texting them. I then 2 days later got a message to say they are living with him, see you soon. Now I can't get through at all they don't reply. My son is at school but, they have been in touch to say his behaviour has deteriorated and to reach out too support as the police told them about the domestic violence.

I can't go to pick him up as scared of my ex-husband.

The police or social services can't do anything as he has parental responsibility. Though the police are being very supportive and using this towards supporting his charge for ABH with the CPS.

I am at my wit's end missing them and worrying about what impact this is having on them long term, not knowing what lies he has told them to persuade them into this and cover his own behaviour and worried I will never see them again.

For the first time in my life, I have had to go on antidepressants and antianxiety medication for having panic attacks daily.

If anyone has a similar story to tell or advise it would be greatly appreciated to need some words of support, as going through hell and can't see light at the end of the tunnel.

Can you go and collect your son at lunch time?

Have you been in contact with women's aid? You need specialist DV support. Your husband sounds very dangerous and you are right to proceed carefully. Get all the support you can around you.

I wonder if he has changed their sim cards, and that is why you can't get through. Or maybe bought them new phones.

Can you pass on a letter/email via school so that they know you are trying to get in touch? Or ask their friends parents to speak with them to check they are okay?

It sounds awful for you, so difficult, you must be feeling so low. Keep hope, they will come back to you. They know how much you love them.

Sounds like you need specialist legal advice here - try Rights of Women.

Rights of Women were absolutely wonderful with my friend, who was a DV victim while pregnant with their baby.

Can you arrange with school that you will collect your youngest before normal home time? If his behaviour is deteriorating and he's distressed, he may well be relieved that you've stepped in and made the decision for him, rather than him havi g to tell his father that he's going back to you.

Is the 18yr old also in education or work or attend a sport or gym or anything where you can turn up and intercept them, and ask them to come home?

Also, I hesitate to say this as don't want to scaremonger - but if he's as vicious and vindictive as he sounds, is there any possibility of him doing something mental or physical) to them in order to distress you?

If that's even a remote possibility can you request the police to do a welfare check? On the basis he's proven to be violent, and your youngest is distressed and school have raised concerns?

Definitely see if the police will do a welfare check. Who knows what he could be capable of.

If you don’t feel you can collect the youngest from school could a friend go? Call the school 5 minutes before and say the child has a dental or hospital appointment you’d forgotten about. Or send a taxi ?
Given the threats issued by your husband I think you need to log everything with police. Even if they won’t do anything say you want it put on record.
Can you move away with the children? I know in lockdown there were free rail tickets for women and children fleeing DA. Women’s Aid or similar organisation would know if help is available.

A 14 year old chooses where they go

You can't just wash your hands of a 14 year old who is being controlled by an abusive father. He's still the OP's child - she needs to give him the option of coming home with her.

But that's all it can be - and option. And it looks as though he'd just refuse to go. The risk then is that it gives his dad more ammunition.

Definitely try to get the police to do a welfare check. Make an appointment to go and see the Head Teacher at the school, email their PA if they has one, go in and explain it all - take an advocate with you (a friend if needs be I did this for a friend and acted as her advocate). Ask him or her to contact social services so that you don't have to. When you call the police ask to speak to their domestic violence officer.

And definitely as recommended upthread contact Rights of Women: https://rightsofwomen.org.uk/

Another avenue would be contacting the Safeguarding lead at your children's school. Have you had any contact with your children?

Can you contact your kids in another way? I presume they are on social media?

Thank you everyone for your replies its been so helpful and made me feel proactive aa feel helpless.

• victim support put me in touch with women's aid who a week ago referred me to a legal aid solicitor I am on a 4 week waiting list for it then social services said I need emergency court order to try and get my 14 year old back. Before that I spent nearly £2k on a private one starting the process for divorce.
• school have been on touch over phone right after police told them and via email, again yesterday to say son has not turned up for electives and in process social services have done welfare checks, but as he has pr domestic violence against me doesn’t count as serious enough concern to remove him.
• police tried to do welfare check, but we don’t have an address I don’t know where they are so had to refer back to social services to refer back to them and find address, then they said they will check but I need an emergency court order to enforce seeing my son and its really hard due to his age if he has been told to say no. But, they are taking a statement about it as part of crimes against me being referred to CPS related to ABH arrest.

My main worry is that the more time passes the more he will lie and turn the children against me in an attempt to alienate them to hurt me.

My dad has been in contact with them last week as daughters phone is still in use. so we are hoping we can persuade them back into contact with us this way and find out more, but they won’t reveal where they are living yet.

I am worried he may also be using his health condition to influence them and feel so helpless.

Writing a letter and giving it to his form tutor I am doing today, he has been referred to counselling at school too so I will reach out to their safeguarding lead today also.

I feel so helpless. Thank you to everyone of you who replied:-) it means a lot x

I'm so glad that the school is doing what they can. I really hope that things will improve for you soon.

How about a missing persons report OP? Take it further with the police, question their actions? If you don't know where your kids are and the school doesn't know either in the case of your 14 year old, then surely all 3 are missing including your ex? Would that be a way "in" so as to speak?