Apologises! This is a long post!

[mum2boysandadog]

Hello everyone,

As mentioned in the subject, this will be a long post, but any advice would be greatly appreciated as I'm at such a loss.

I have been married for nearly 9 years, and we have two children together aged 3 and 5. He also has two kids from a previous marriage. Things between us over the years have been a huge roller coaster - ups and a lot of downs.

I work full time, and he is a stay-at-home father - it was a choice we both made, as he was in the military and we both wanted him to enjoy life, with the kids.

His ex, who has been rather toxic over the years to him, more than me - is on OnlyFans, and last year I saw on his phone that he'd been watching her videos (she's not just on that site if you get my drift) so since then, we haven't been intimate which I do strongly realise is more my fault, and I should try to overcome this issue I have.

The back story of us is he's always been really controlling, a few times he's been physically violent towards me, and he's never shown any remorse for it because, at the time, he has either said he was asleep or because he'd had too much to drink. He's not a big drinker FYI. Meeting him, and his kids, and then transforming my house in such a short time was a lot to take on, and yes, over the years it has caused some rifts with us.

In general, he has absolutely no empathy - he just can't understand other people's emotions - so things have always been disjointed. But, fast forward to last Monday I'm WFH and he just stands there, and tells me it's over, he doesn't want this anymore, we're not working and yes, got the whole "it's not you it's me" - he needed to go round to my dads, so dropped that bombshell then left, what I found really confusing is that he told my dad too. So, no time to process, nothing.

Tuesday, I practically beg him to make it work and he says OK - but felt, now, it was just him getting me to stop crying at him. Then, from that day on, his effort of trying was basically trying in on with me, which as I've mentioned isn't something I am keen on, especially now. Part of me is like, if I just do it, will he stay with me? I don't know.

Over the past week, I have practically lost my mind. He keeps saying, that regardless of trying - he's still unhappy etc. It's all rather confusing. We're about to book into some relationship counselling - I have since found out he has put his name down on a council house, as because he doesn't work, one assumes that is his option. So, it's all like he's planning on leaving anyway. He mentioned this morning, about having potentially full custody of the children, which obviously I don't agree with - he says it because I work, which is ridiculous as I WFH Monday/Wed/Friday so between us both we could work it out - and my parents - they seem to side with him on this. It's all a massive headf**k - I assume its because if he gets full custody he won't have to work, but I'm not signing the kids over to him because of that.

As hard as it is, because I do love him, shall I just let him go? I'm scared, I'm 38, just started a new job so don't want to mess that up through this but, I don't know, being together hasn't been perfect, but to chuck it away, and especially for the kids too, is even harder.

Hi there. That wasn't easy to read so must have been difficult to write. Maybe you could see how the relationship councilling goes. Is it coming up soon?

If he's violent the you end things. That's it.

There’s been physical violence - is there a record ie police called
let him leave
if he doesn’t, you should
you are young, working and hold a lot of cards
break free

I'm not sure this is very helpful but why do you think you love him? I think we think we love someone but what we love is the idea of being with someone. The idea of being part of a couple and a family unit. Because in this case, he sounds thoroughly unworthy of your love. He's violent? That's a line that can't be crossed. He did.

You need to separate your desire to stay with him with the logistics of separation.

Firstly this man has outwardly threatened to remove your children. Is that not the ultimate thing that shows you can't trust him?

He WILL still have to work with full custody actually. We are all require to work even with children. Mine is 7 and while I claim UC I am still expected to work, which I do.

Do you want to know what I would do? And why?

The reason I would do the following is because men like this, controlling, abusive, violent, they will never go easy on you and you should not go easy on them.

Report the violet incidents to the police right away.
Chuck him out. As in change the locks on him.
Offer him reasonable contact after calling social services to ask them for advice on whether this is even reasonable in light of whatever violence he perpetuated.

Buy a diary and start adding in exactly what happens next.
Let him go to court.
Keep yourself and your children safe and live a happy life as a working mum.

He's said he wants full custody on the basis you have a job, so he's either extremely thick, evil, or both.

Or is he planning to make something up that paints you as unfit?

You are sleeping with the enemy here. You need to get out or he will continue to hurt you.

Let it go and hire the best solicitor you can afford. He has been physically abusive, lied, been deceitful and now wants full custody of the kids.

You need to change your approach fast otherwise you will end up with nothing. Keep the kids passports somewhere safe, maybe with your parents?

I am not sure you really love him, more fearful of the changes which are coming, which I get but right now you are holding onto nothing.

What do you need a solicitor for now?

Get him out and he can go via court. Solicitors are not necessary at all. Also since there's been DV you will get legal aid.

Go to the police first and foremost and report what he's done and get rid of him.

How serious were the violent incidents?

He is violent and watches porn featuring his ex. Yet you feel guilty for not wanting intimacy with him. That isn’t a normal reaction. It is however a common reaction when women are being abused.

You need to extricate yourself from this relationship. You should seek individual counseling, not marriage counseling. Counseling with an abuser is never recommended.

I saw on his phone that he'd been watching her videos (she's not just on that site if you get my drift) so since then, we haven't been intimate which I do strongly realise is more my fault, and I should try to overcome this issue I have.

How on earth could that be your fault??

Also does he have PTSD from being in the military?

'a few times he's been physically violent towards me'

I'm struggling to comprehend why YOU would want to stay with him.
He's doing you a massive favour. Let him try for custody - most he'll get is 50%.

He wants to go? Raise your bar & show him the door.

There are several issues here.

Firstly, he’s been violent which is all you need to know that the relationship needs to be over - yesterday.

It’s not advisable to go into relationship counselling with someone who is abusive, so I would knock that one on the head.

Do not change the locks. People advise that on here but as you are married legally you cannot change the locks, and it could make things more difficult for you as legally he can break in as this is the marital home.

Play everything by the book so that you’re not giving him anything to use against you.

Men often threaten going for full residency. He’s not likely to get full residency, but as he’s the primary carer he stands a very good chance of getting primary residency with you needing to pay him maintenance.

You need to stop begging him to take you back. Honestly he really isn’t worth it.

And you need to find a good solicitor. Pronto.

Hello all,

Thank you all for being so incredibly supportive, it means more than you know - so to update yesterday we had our couples counselling which was horrific and by that, he'd said he try and I was under that impression - anyway, we sit down, the camera comes on, and he changes his character and mind - saying he had been told that she could help me understand why he wants to end it. Even the therapist was confused, she explained it wasn't break-up therapy. I just burst into tears, a complete mess - embarrassed for wasting her time, embarrassed for myself that I'd been semi-led on, since last Monday with regards to his hot and cold behaviour. Now today, I'm in the office, no idea how - trying to function.

So now everyone, as I sit here in my office - staring blanky at the screen - I am seriously concerned, I spoke with my dad earlier and once again, he was talking about the possibility of my now, well, ex taking full custody of the children - you know what I mean by that, he has them full time as an official primary carer and then say I see them weekends etc but I don't want that, obviously, from my end, it'd be 50/50. He has family up in Manchester - I worry that he might just take them up there - my dad even said this morning that he could do that, and could stay as he'd be in a house (his mums) but surely he can't do that!?!?

He can't paint me as unfit, I have pictures of what he did to me once and I know, hand on my heart the best thing is for me and the children to be able to eventually move on from this.

I'm just so very confused right now, also doesn't help the fact that he has no idea when he'll be leaving the house... plus worrying about all sorts.

You poor love, what a mess for you to deal with.

You will be better off without him, it doesn't feel like it now but you don't need your life to continue being controlled the way he has been doing.

He won't automatically get the kids don't worry about that, get yourself a good family law solicitor (I can recommend someone I've just used if that would be helpful) and aim for 50/50. Yes he's been the primary parent because that's the way you set things up in the past, but that's about to change now he's leaving...so you say you want the kids 50% of the time and that you will adjust your working hours to allow that.

It feels like hell on earth at the moment I know, but get some professional advice and you will know more about what can/can't be done, and that will help you feel less at sea.

Hugs xx

Like I said before get the best solicitor you can afford and take control of the situation. The sooner you do this the better you will feel.

Your husband and dad, unless they are legal experts, do not know what you are legally entitled to. You need to fight back and just grey rock your husband.

p.s. make sure the kids passports are somewhere secure, ideally with a trusted third party.

He absolutely will be expected to work. Right now as my little one is under two I don’t have to work in the eyes of UC. I do anyway and they have told me that when she turns 2 I will then be classed as self employed which I am and will be expected to work, which I already do.

So he is on to plums if he thinks he can just permanently stay at home.