Does it get any easier

[LJane88]

Hello, I need to chat as I just feel so alone. I’ve instigated divorce after 11 years together 5 married, we have an almost two year old. Does it get any easier? How do I know if this is the right thing to do. We have a house viewing this weekend and it’s hit me like a tonne of bricks and I just feel so lonely and sad, if it wasn’t for my son I don’t know what I would do.

DH dosent want the separation and some days I wonder if I could take it back and try make it work but I feel like I have tried so many times, I don’t trust him and can’t get over how he treat me for 6 months when I was grieving the loss of my dad amongst other awful things. I just need someone to talk too

Ah OP so sorry to hear this. I'm about 18 months ahead of you and yes I can confirm it does get better. It is a very hard and sad process, and for me the worst day was the day I moved out of my beloved house. But it has been an upward trajectory since then. There is still grief, and pain, and I'm having therapy to help deal with it. But I wouldn't go back, and I'm a million miles away from the horror of the divorce process.
Can I say you are doing the best thing for your DC, the younger they are the less the wrench for the. My kids are older and it's been tough for them. Hang in there. This time next year you will be on MN giving advice to someone else 😊

It will get better. Xxx

I hear you. I split with my H 3 weeks ago as I couldnt trust him either, together for 6 years. The lack of trust had turned me into an insecure, possessive person and I hated who I had become. The problem is I love him and so it is very difficult to walk away, like you we have tried to make it work so many times and we always end up back in the same place. Time is ticking on and I don't want either of us to keep wasting our lives, fortunately we both have our own houses so physically splitting is easy but it is the mental torture that is hard. I just keep hoping that one day the pain and longing will go and I will feel free of this mental struggle. I hope that for you too x

This is exactly how I feel. Even after splitting I’m still an insecure wreck and check his emails and stuff and I hate it. He works with women for long hours and since last year he has been so secretive with his phone basically has it stuck to him everywhere, he has been out a few times on overnoght piss ups with these people, and one of his colleagues he basically ogled in my own home when she turned up here in front of my eyes and made comment on how fit she was. I also caught him out two days before Christmas meeting for a secret coffee with another female who I suspected something with months back. He says it’s all nothing but I feel so insecure i just don’t feel like me at all anymore :(

A year into our relationship he sent me a message on IG meant for another woman telling her how fit she was, somebody he knew and was very attractive. I told him there and then how disrespectful it was and he deleted her so I let it go but that was the start of my insecurity. Then last year after a rough patch I checked his laptop and he had signed up to a dating website. We split for a few months and then got back together, all was good for a few months then he went on a works night out and stayed in a hotel so he could have a drink. I was vile to him because of the insecurity and so I realised this is no way to live the rest of my life.

It would be so easy to ring him and say lets try again, I have no doubt he would but this time I need to hold firm. I was becoming toxic and it wasnt nice so I feel your pain 100%. What is the alternative to walking away? Living like this forever? I just can't so I waiting for the pain to subside and people say it will so I live in hope!

So hard isn’t it. I totally feel where you are coming from as I have been the same and I think it’s because of my insecurities. But I feel like I shouldn’t have to feel insecure when I’m married with a small child. It’s debilitating mentally and I feel like I need some help to feel myself again

Oh I can totally relate to that and have vowed to not, if ever get into another relationship. I was previously divorced and this was my 2nd marriage but I was only on my own for a year and exh and I were still on friendly terms so I have not been properly alone for 28 years. I don't even know who I am anymore. With my current H I always felt like I was mental, the insecurity around deceit is something I have never experienced before and boy is it a complete head fuck!! It would be so so easy to ring him and get back together which is what I did last September and here I am again, feeling even worse and he is rightly angry with me because he just went on a night out. I am patiently waiting for the love to subside - scared it never will and I will have made the biggest mistake of my life to be honest, at 45 with one DC at Uni and the other leaving this year I feel empty.

I think sharing a child will make it harder for you because you cannot just cut contact but you really do have to think about how he has made you feel and whether that is the life you want only you will know your limits. It is unlikely to get better, you will always be suspicious and that is no way to live, surely a relationship should make you feel good? Your child is young and unlikely to remember living with their Dad so that is a positive. Also if he treated you badly when you really needed him he isnt a good man. Sending hugs I am with you xx

His repeated behaviour has made you feel insecure, whereas a loving partner should make you feel secure. It’s not you.

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