Struggling with my decision and thoughts of my future

[Lostinthisspace]

Hi,
My husband and I separated over 2 years ago now (although we’d been doing our own thing for a couple of years prior to this). I filed for divorce in December 2020 and it has dragged on simply because of complications. Let’s just say my husband will, at the moment, benefit more than me.

I have the youngest child and the eldest is going to university this year (currently splits his time between the two of us). My husband hasn’t paid a penny in CM over the last two years, although I’ve only recently put a claim in. He has reduced his working hours (probably deliberately).

Im struggling to continue paying solicitor fees (£800 last month for 4 weeks work). I’m also starting to worry about my future finances as I’ll need to move out of the family home (I can’t afford to buy him out) and get another mortgage after being mortgage free for a number of years.

We were just like friends in the marriage. I wasn’t interested in him sexually. I know that sounds awful but it just developed over the years. Other reasons related but I won’t go into that. I was dying inside. I lived with it for years but enough is enough.

I am starting to wonder if I screwed up my life completely. I’m lonely. I have no family on my side (all RIP). I am now constantly worried over money whereas before we had a comfortable lifestyle. I’m unhappy - probably more unhappy than what I was living in a sexless marriage. I was living with someone who was no more than a friend. I felt that, if I didn’t move on, I’d be stuck in this situation and feeling worse once both children have fled the nest.

Has anyone else been in a similar position? Does it get easier? I’m worried I have made a big mistake but know I wasn’t ‘in love’ with him. I only stayed so long as he was a nice person and I didn’t want to hurt his feelings.

He still hasn’t paid any CM even though he has been notified he has to pay £400 a month. He spends money on the youngest when he takes her out for the odd day. Not her living costs though.

I think what I’m asking is has anyone stayed in a marriage for security and comfort even though they lacked affection/intimacy in it? There was nothing. I wasn’t physically attracted to him. Age gap and other issues.

Have I done the right thing?

Have you considered self representing OP? It really is more relaxing (can you use this word in divorce? 😬)and cheaper.
Where exactly are you in the divorce proceedings? And what do you want/need?

No, as his solicitor is trying to fleece me. We are gathering the info for the e-form. I was with another solicitor who hadn’t bothered to do this.

Im very anxious about the whole thing now so really couldn’t represent myself. I have a very demanding job too.

You say he’s a nice person..really? a man who hasn’t paid any child support for 2 years, sounds awful to me!

He reckons he can’t afford it.

Following with interest OP as you are describing my life with my DH and the dilemma I'm in - I could have written much of your post myself.

Been married almost 25 years with older teenaged DC's one is at uni and the other at home. DH & I are basically good friends who live and work together.
There are other issues which I won't go into but a recent repeat situation has made me question whether I really want to go into old age with him.
My parents are also deceased. DH and I have a good standard of living, been mortgage free for a few years and able to run the business we do because of it.
We get along so well but every so often there's a blip which he refuses to get help for and I start spiralling through this conundrum of staying or leaving. He's not violent or abusive, we get on incredibly well but deep down I know this isn't right and won't be right until he seeks help.

I'm unable to offer any words of comfort to you in your current situation but as I'm stranded in your previous one, I'd say you made an incredibly tough decision for very good reasons.

I feel this. Still in the relationship but want to leave, scared to do it due to age and finances, fear of being lonely, upset to adult children etc. I could be financially secure as put much more money into our house than he did, but would feel guilty if we sold and took that share back for myself. I'd like him to be secure as well. Although he's let me work in a stressful professional job while he worked for charities that paid shit money but helped him feel good about himself.

Also in the same position and have been for a very long time. Scared about leaving and fear being lonely but staying isn't working.

It’s a horrible situation to be in. I just felt unfulfilled and lonely in my marriage. He still hasn’t paid any child support either!

He reckons he can’t afford it.

Yet you somehow have to afford it? How does that work?

TBH I think you have rose-tinted glasses on to a degree. Your ex’s solicitor is only acting on your ex’s instructions. Even if a solicitor suggests a client can go for more money, it’s the client’s choice. So it’s your ex trying to fleece you.

It doesn’t seem surprising that you weren’t attracted to him. Fannies tend to dry up around selfish men.

I earn more. I guess I also paid the highest proportion of bills throughout our marriage as I put more into the pot. That doesn’t get factored in though.

You have described my situation OP. Married for 30 years, DCs left home and I’m feeling lonely and my financial future isn’t secure at all.
I wasn’t happy at home though and my DH was quite an aggressive character. I could have stuck with it and avoided him when he was in a mood but chose to leave.
If I had my time again I’d stay unbelievably. I feel my MH is going downhill too. We’re still going through the divorce process and battling over finances as he feels he’s entitled to the lions share. I was fairly happy at home and I’m not now.
PrincessLeah1 you do realise in a long marriage it doesn’t matter how much you put in your house the starting point for a financial split is 50:50.
Are you thinking of going back Lostinthisspace?
It’s too late for me now and anyway he’d make my life hell if I went back. I’ve spent thousands and thousands of ££££s on my solicitor. No choice, he’s tried to bully me all the way through the process and my solicitor isn’t having it. Good luck

@Busbygirl
No, definitely don’t want to go back. It was fake. We were nothing more than friends and it has done me more harm than I thought it had.
My divorce has cost me loads too but not a lot I can do about it. I don’t want to lead a fake existence anymore.