I was married for 30 yeasts and nearly 60 when I divorced. Big family house.
To help with sorting out this might help:
first I started by figuring out where I was going to live, how big a place etc and then thinking about what I’d need then in terms of furniture, space for stuff etc
he did same.
We then went round with labels and masking tape with pens. we used a colour each for him and then for me, we used black for stuff that could be recycled or dumped, white for stuff we could sell, and Red for pending decision/not sure.
we didn’t sort or remove anything at that stage. Just labelled . Essentially did the thinking, decisions and looking first.
we started with furniture,
then with stuff out on shelves, display, desks
then cupboard contents
Then lofts etc
only once stuff was labelled did we start actually moving , removing, selling, packing. It was easy then as could do an hour here or there separately , with some music on and not getting emotional.
it is imho, the decision that is hard and why it may seem overwhelming- so separate decisions from packing
It may also help to lay out a few ground rules between you on who gets what by default. Ours were it was yours if:
- you’d identified need/want for it, and sourced it and other person had little to do with it
- you used it, and would continue to do so, more than 75%of time
- it was gifted to you both from your relative or friend - partner wouldn’t have been given it if not married in other words
- it was ought with just your money, or given as gift just to you
thwt kind of helped with decisions. I also found that sitting somewhere remote( like cafe) and writing down the top 13 items I anted at “all costs” off top of my head, allowed me to be way more flexible in the yours or mine negotiations, and with not taking stuff that I’d have no room for . Otherwise it’s easy to be like a kid in a sweat shop with wanting loads of hints ex does too, and trying to negotiate while you going from room to room. If you know your to 10-12 items you focus on those and can negotiate on stuff that, whilst you may want, are less important to you if you have to give them up.
your second point: about how you’ll manage ?
Like you I relied on ex to do typical blokey tasks we’d slipped into. But, in reality he wasn’t a natural diy person, and most of time we’d consult on what to do, how to do it, so I did know what to do, and how to- or could find out . That’s why I did- yep at times scary but I’d give myself a talking to, look at YouTube and get on with it. I did all decorating of my new house, put up all stuff on walls like shelves, rails, etc, made self assembly etc. it really isn’t hard actually. The biggest issue is where stuff is too heavy and 2 person job. But I have a few male relatives and that live further away and I book that in advance with exchange for a dinner . This is truely NOT a thing you need to worry about. Yep, they’ll be more jobs to do in week as you’re not sharing them out, but job is rod is way less time consuming. I now only do a full houseclean once a month not once per fortnight as it’s just my mess and seriously here ain’t that much dust now🤣. I only do 4 loads of warning a fortnight. So 10 mins of sorting the bins and putting them out doesn’t mean I’m don’t way more
the thing I missed in the most practically in first 2 years was not having another person to share burdens or validation decisions. So, discussing quotes for work, dealing with difficult people or decisions in terms of approach to take . That’s hard, it all falls on your head only and did make me anxious at time. I’m sort of used to it now, still tricky but accept it.
everything else practically I’m coping with easily
My final bits of advice are:
1 find out as much as possible, as soon as possible about your future lifestyle- where you’ll live, what your financial situation will be in terms of lifestyle options etc. also find out about the the divorce/financial settlement process. only once you can fully visualise your future will the fear of then known be removed, and hats what is causing your anxiety and cold feet moments
2 read up on grief pathway . Even if it’s amicable it is a Change and much of feelings you may get kind of follow that. It’ll help out o be kinder on yourself when you have difficult days emotionally
3 work very hard on support network. Forties is a difficult time to make friends, so you’ll need to put effort in. Focus on non romantic relationships for time being. Join stuff, go to stuff ( I’m an introvert so wasn’t easy). Having a friendship group, or being near family can make a massive difference. Having someone over to share tea time with you once a fortnight for instance, go to pub with, cinema with etc. it’s these things that are difficult on your own and when you’ll feel lonely. I’m retired and was when I divorced, I moved to a completely new area . I now have a lovely female friendship group , I see someone I know at least 5 days of the week, I go to stuff involving other people at least 3 times a week. I am way more social and less lonely than I as for last 10 years of my marriage
Good luck