Ending a relationship with children under 5 - hand hold please

[Nosignalnorelationship]

I’ve name changed for this (only posted my own thread once), but posted quite a few times on others. Please be gentle with me. I think I’m going to need the support from kind people here to get me through the next few days and weeks. I know this is going to be a long one because I’ll end up over explaining to give some context and trying to balance things so I apologise in advance.

I’ve been with my DP 10 years and we have two children under 5, one a baby. Tonight I told him I didn’t want to be with him anymore and I’m again (I’ve felt this way before) instantly having worries about whether I’m doing the right thing.

I just don’t think we are right for each other. He has more of a scientific brain and very low emotional intelligence. He can barely deal with other people’s emotions and can come across as incredibly rude. I’m often on the end of his cutting remarks (which he doesn’t see as cutting). He can’t really control his anger and has in the past used physical force against me when he’s got frustrated. He hasn’t done that for maybe three years now and there has been improvement in the way he speaks to me.

We have on the surface a lovely life, share many dreams for the future and have been working together to make those happen. He’s not a horrible guy. He works hard and is currently supporting us all when I’m on maternity leave- two mortgages and childcare for our eldest and all the other bills.

We have totally different personalities - he gets irritated quickly and I’m too laid back which is good because I have lots of patience but I can also be complacent and lazy at times. I’m definitely not the easiest person to live with (disorganised, hyper focused) but I also pretty much do all of the parenting and I haven’t had a night away by myself in nearly five years.

This is where it sounds a bit mad and I promise, it’s not just about the bloody tv. I think this is what’s broken the camels back in our relationship. He was out with our eldest because I was feeling run down and needed to get my baby to nap. I then had a rare hour to have a cuppa on the sofa watching some tv. The tv didn’t have any signal. When I explained this on his return, he got really annoyed with me and said I must’ve done something to it. He blamed me for breaking it and I just wanted to cry because he was accusing me of lying, not trusting me and his reaction was mean and disproportionate. I kept saying, ‘maybe think about how disappointed I felt for a moment’ and that I expected an apology. At this point he mimicked me in a horrible way and I just burst into tears. Perhaps another day I would’ve dealt with this better but this small example just represented so many of our issues, mainly that he just speaks to me like I’m rubbish and doesn’t seem to care when he hurts me. He often appears immune to feelings when he sees I’m upset and these days, I’m so bloody consumed with the children I rarely even raise issues or know that I don’t even have the mental capacity or time to cry.

Anyway, his response over the evening was to try and lighten the mood and engage but refused to apologise. I just barely spoke. When I got down from settling the baby, I told him I felt this was the end of our relationship. That I no longer believed he loved or even liked me and that it was only a matter of time that we had to call it a day. He just didn’t speak really, looked sad and said he reacted that way because he’s so tired. That he does love me etc. I asked him whether he thought I deserved an apology and he went all defensive again and I’m pretty sure said ‘well something happened and it wasn’t me’, at which point, I said it’s definitely over and that when people ask him he can try and explain and say it’s because I finally flipped over the tv!

It sounds so ridiculous but this isn’t really about the tv incident, it’s about how he spoke and treats me. He’s always resisted marriage because he doesn’t like the idea or stress of the day apparently even though it was important to me.

Am I throwing the relationship away by being overly dramatic? The impact on the children has been what’s made me keep our issues in a closed box. I feel like I should’ve left years ago but I wander into feelings of ‘suck it up until the children are older so that I don’t mess them up for the future’. I don’t even know if I believe that but it feels all on my shoulders that I’m doing this and being selfish. But I’m about to turn 40 too!

He’s always resisted counseling and always concludes that he wants us to be happy together. I think he just doesn’t have the tools, knowledge or passion to make it work the way I need it to?

I think I might just need a supportive group out there if I come back when I’m having second thoughts etc. Does this resonate with anyone? I’d really appreciate words of wisdom and experience here too to help build up my strength.

Thank you.

You've been together 10yrs, had two children, but he "doesn't like the idea" of marrying you, despite knowing how much it means to you.

You have my first LTB.

You deserve so much more xx

Thank you for your kind and honest reply. I’m taking it on board. My only additional comment is that he’s very shy and doesn’t believe in marriage as it’s ‘a man made construct’ so doesn’t see the point over and above what we already have. He’s also incredibly stubborn.

Ignoring the signal or marriage bits of the story what leapt out to me from your descriptions of both of your behaviour/ communication is it is possible you are both neurodivergent but differently - him maybe ASD and you ADHD , have you ever considered this/ sought a diagnosis - if you are it might help you both to understand the role this plays in your behaviour and communication moving forward and could be a helpful breakthrough in understanding each other choices/ demeanour etc.

I stayed.

It gets logistically easier but as the children get older the disruption is worse not better, and he keeps turning things around until they're just good enough that you want to stay, and on the meantime you're getting older and more and more used to it, until you wake up and don't recognise yourself.

But you do recognise your kids, who are starting to use his 'rage voice' and treat you and each other in exactly the same way he does, even though you could have sworn that they didn't witness the arguments.

Maybe if he and you were really willing to commit to couples counselling it could help - or at least to settle the nagging 'what if' voice in your head if you do decide to leave. If not, what do you think would have to change for this to be acceptable? And can you see how or if that would ever happen?

Thank you very much for your insight. I haven’t considered this but suspect you are right but neither of us have sought a diagnosis. I’ve only lately been questioning myself because I’ve been struggling to function properly in some areas but then I half wondered if it’s because my self worth has taken a real bashing and I’ve stopped caring as much about putting the effort in and focusing on certain things as a distraction to feel happy.

Wow, thank you for such an honest and real insight. I’ve often thought about myself in 5 or 10 years time and wondered what I’d say to myself. I often think back to when we first met and want to say ‘run’! But then I knew what he was like early on which is kind of why I stay because I’ve got used to tolerating it and like you said, things get a bit better or maybe my standards and expectations drop.

And thank you for posing those questions for me to think about. I think I’ll go for a long walk tomorrow during a nap time to try and clear my head. I think counselling is the only way forward really to try to get him to understand and acknowledge things because he so often wants to brush them under the carpet or doesn’t see why they are issues at all. I think I need that to see whether it is possible for him to understand why things need to change.

I could have written this.
I feel your utter turmoil.

I go back and forth all the time.
Have you confided in anyone?

I did and because I didn't leave straight away because I'm confused I've lost that support so I don't know where you turn now and it's like a pendulum swinging.

I don't know sometimes if we are bogged down in parenthood and need to ride it out and my feelings will come back or if I trust my heart and gut.

I've been watching these boards for months now, like waiting for a switch to flick.

I'm sorry I haven't given any advice, I've just shared my random thoughts and I apologise.

This made me think of a boyfriend when I was younger.

He'd do big speeches about not buying in to the concept of valentine's day, which is fine. But actually he was just a self centred prick.

We actually split shortly after valentine's, when I had been sad that he'd got me nothing again (it's the lack of any acknowledgement, not the lack of gift that upset me) and he went into one of his speeches insinuating I was grabby and precious and demanding, making out how I should be ashamed for even expecting a gesture, looking down on me, declaring: "A rose on any other day smells twice as sweet."

And I just had this moment of clarity, and shouted "Yes. You have to actually buy a rose on any other day though. Otherwise you're just the arsehole that never buys roses."

He looked stunned. Then red faced. Then angry. It of course wasn't about roses, as your problem isn't about the TV. It's the just proverbial straw.

I look back now and I'm so glad I didn't give him any more of my time. But we didn't have DC.

I’m so sorry you are going through this. Thank you for sharing your experience. That’s really difficult that you confided but are now almost feel further trapped because you have other people’s expectations to deal with. That’s one of my concerns and why I’ve not said anything to anyone. I feel like once I open up, all sorts of other things will be triggered and I’ll have other people’s emotions to deal with.

My parents have very traditional values and are very religious so I fear how much I will disappoint them if we split up and I don’t even feel certain they’d support me even if I told them everything. I grew up with them pushing this view that being unmarried with children was quite shameful and that separation or divorce meant you were no longer a family. This is of course despite them having a very dysfunctional relationship and they really should have separated. They’ve mellowed a bit but I feel sure they’d put all sorts of blame my way and it would really affect them which I already felt guilty about.

Ive gone off on a bit of a tangent but I hear you. I only feel confident saying this here and wanted to draw strength from being honest here. Please don’t apologise, you’ve given me some strange comfort knowing I’m not the only one feeling like this.

Relationships are complex and these years with young children are bloody hard so will take their toll. In my case, I feel like I already knew the issues weren’t sustainable before we had children. I kind of just went along with life and didn’t confront that which is a big regret of mine but no one was forcing me to stay back then.

I would hope for you the good friends and people in your life would be there for you through the back and fourth stages because they’d only want the best for you? I think others often simplify it or over invest and then feel some kind of disappointment of frustration that there’s not a clear conclusion? Maybe I’m being unfair there. Could a trial separation help you?

Ah your reply was amazing! Good on you! What a perfect response and I’m so glad you got rid of him.

doesn’t believe in marriage as it’s ‘a man made construct’

As is time but I bet he manages to be on time for work etc.

Thanks for the chat!

If it helps, I found that I knew before we had children but somehow got swept up in it all.

My parents are supportive but after growing up in utter chaos and a messy split I think I got too swept up in building this perfect life for children etc that was so far removed from what I had that I forgot about me.

I hope that makes sense, just didn't want you to feel alone. I guess we had totally different experiences and still have felt this way.

The amount of times though is want to scream. We also have had the issue with the roses and he also doesn't get it... so similar to you re it not being about the tv. The excuses are so bad they are hilarious!

Just a bit of an update, mostly for my benefit as I feel I’m starting to really struggle now and I know it’s early days.

My partner is more or less acting like nothing has changed and will barely engage with any discussion about it. So I swing from thinking - just go back to how things were to, we should really be talking about this. It feels like the easy option would be to allow things to go back to normal but then he’s been quite curt and disrespectful (like usual) this week so that has been providing me with reminders of why I’ve been so unhappy.

I just forced him to talk about it and asked if he would go to relationship counseling with me but he’s refusing, saying he doesn’t believe in it. I said so you would give up your relationship and change your children’s lives because you don’t want to try it and he just kept saying ‘I don’t believe in that stuff’. Urgh, where do I go from here? I’m getting all the emotions of worry, anger, sadness and I don’t know if I’ve got the strength to go through with this but something inside me is screaming that I deserve more. Can anyone relate? Or send some stories to give me hope and strength that I will build my life and happiness again if I leave?

I haven’t told anyone is real life yet and thinking that is my next step but it feels like a massive step to take.

Thank you.

I think only you can make this decision. I don't know what your life would be like without him. But you certainly sound unhappy.

He talks badly to you, even if there has been improvement, used to shove you around, but probably doesn't need to any more because he can just "get angry" to get you in line.

Honestly, he sounds abusive. My ex didn't lay a finger on me until we broke up. He didn't have to. The thought of his bad moods and previous violence he'd shown towards other people was enough to keep me in line.

I would seriously advise against couples counselling at the very least, and I would advise you read the Lundy Bancroft book. And get out of there.

I'm so sorry, but this sounds abusive especially because you have mentioned physical force when he is frustrated. There is no excuse for this, not frustration, nor being scientifically minded or with ASD. you have young kids to consider, and this is a child safeguarding issue. I suggest you contact Women's Aid. Even if the violent/physical events happened some time ago, they can easily happen again. I know this isn't what you want to hear but it sounds like a very serious issue.

Thank you for your replies, I have read and reread them all. I’ve not been feeling strong this week and have allowed things to get swept under the carpet, probably because I don’t feel strong or brave enough to confront an alternative future. I have confided in someone though who is by chance a counselor and I feel safe talking without being judged and they are my support for each step if I need them. I’m very lucky in that respect.

A previous poster mentioned the swinging pendulum and I’m definitely in that phase but every bit of advice or insight here has been thought provoking and I feel less scared about certain things - like the impact on my children overall if I ended things.

So not the best update - struggling still with not feeling strong and brushing things aside but I have a good person to talk to so I don’t feel alone. Airing my thoughts here too really helps and I don’t even expect an audience!

It is impossible to be heard if your partner stonewalls and ‘doesn’t believe’ in getting outside help to release the roadblock. Do you want to spend the rest of your life trying to negotiate to be heard? It is utterly dispiriting and corrosive to be in this position. If your partner is incapable or disinclined to engage, you really have to put it up to them: book a counselling session and tell them you are going. If they refuse, you have your answer.