Tonight

[TickTockBaby]

I asked my husband to leave.

We have been together 17 yrs, married for almost 10. Have 2 young DC.

I've felt for at least the last year he has completely checked out of our family life.

He is such a dark cloud, short tempered, despondent, snappy. I feel he never has anything positive to say, always how he “can't be arsed”, snapping at the kids, reading God knows what on his phone.

The few occasions recently we've spent time alone together there has been nothing- nothing to talk about, me ideally making small talk, him only becoming engaged if it's something he can have a rant about. Our last ‘date night’ ended with him watching gold on a TV over my head and saying he’d maybe take it up- I have never once heard him express any interest in gold in 17 years!

There have been lots of points in our relationship I feel like I've tolerated a lot but tonight I got home from work to DC1 telling me DC2 had hit them on the head with a toy and then DC2 (pre school) babbled that daddy hit my face, I asked aloud “hit your face?” to which DC1 replied, “yes dad slapped him”. I was enraged, asked DH who said it was a tap.

I was furious- made it through the children tea time and told him I was done. Absolutely no longer would I tolerate any more, and he left to stay somewhere.

I'm so confused, I don't know what to do.
He isn't a terrible person or father, but but it's just been so much over the last 2 years I feel completely done.

No real point to the post I suppose, just trying to sort my mind.

Your poor thing

Get this fcker out

Tell him to get a hotel tonight and then make plans to get rid

Awful

How dare he touch a young child like that

He has told me he's checked into a hotel near his work (at work over the next few days), he so sorry, got frustrated admits he has checked out, is so sorry.

I'm so angry and exhausted and confused.

When we were talking about it before I asked him to go, I just kept getting more and more angry, because he kept trying to rationalise it as a “tap”, I said “what am I supposed to do now, since I obviously can't leave him with you”, he said “of course you can, is never hurt them”.

He just kept trying to talk it down.

He couldn't understand he wouldn't do it to a colleague through frustration so why was it acceptable to do it to our little DC.

Madness

He is awful

You say he isn’t a terrible person or father. Re-read your post again OP. That assessment doesn’t add up to his behaviour. He sounds awful to live with and you deserve better.

Outwardly- he is a goody guy, family like him, friends have commented on how he cooks etc.

He just has stopped engaging- he has always been selfish, and he is always the victim, and this has made me harsh to him I suppose, I'm sick of hearing his woe is me tale!

I'm Tired of asking him come with us/ take the DC to the park etc. I have too always prompt his engagement, even more so over the 2 years.

I feel like he takes us all for granted, doesn't see how lucky he is to have our lovely life, we have a nice house, beautiful healthy DC, no real hardships to speak of but he is always so negative.

I think you’ve done the right thing. An adult slapped a pre-school child in the face because they hit their sibling on the head with a toy? That’s a hard no. He needs to sort his head out then see where things stand after that.

I don't know how to reconcile this.

I can't imagine a way forward- I don't want to have to think about whether or not he’s being heavy handed with our DC when Im at work or running errands.

I'm so confused.

You’ve done the right thing. Hopefully this is a short, sharp shock for him that prompts a complete reappraisal of the way he is engaging with all of you.

If he got into therapy and did the work to really understand how he reached this point I’d consider trying to save the relationship but that sounds like it may be unlikely. If he didn’t do that I’d be done.

So hard but just take one day at a time. Your instincts sound good and you’ve been very clear and strong so far. You can do this.

Thank you all for trying to help me untangle it.

I can't imagine how I can unravel all of this to get back to a good place with him.

I'm not sure that you can. A man who will hit a preschool child is not capable of being a good father. At the very least he will need to attend some form of anger management/a parenting course.

Beyond that the short tempered snappiness and unwillingness to engage with family life are all bad signs. Your DC are little and little = easy. I know it doesn't always feel that way, but ask yourself how your husband is going to cope when his children are teenagers? Do you want them exposed to his worse self?

He really needs to up his game and ideally, until he has put in the work, he should not be in the family home.

He is a terrible father, that's for sure.