Co parenting - emotional abuse

[Anon232324]

my partner is emotional abusive and I’m preparing to leave. My worry is about his time with our children following separation, he is emotionally abusive towards our daughter and starting on our youngest. How do I prove the abuse? I know he will turn it around on me, he is very intelligent and manipulative and his mother will help him (she is also emotionally abusive and manipulative). How do you manage co parenting with an emotional abusive ex? He even said to me that I won’t have any control because when the kids go to spend time with him I won’t be there to do anything. My children don’t recognise what is happening and would never come back and tell me how he has shouted at them, put them down, or man handled them.

If he has physically manhandled your dc that is assault and you report to the police.. Build a case against him if he is violent..

It’s very hard to physically never manhandle a child and therefore concluding that it is assault is an over each. It would cover anything from picking them up and moving them with you out of danger to pulling and dragging them along at a fast pace.

OP, he is right and factual to say that as parent he does have the right to parent how he wants provided it is lawful. Of course you can steps to prevent him have unsupervised access but you will need to make the case. It’s not easy with emotional abuse which can be blatant but often is just shit parenting. Apparently shot parenting is allowed.

you are going to need to record what he does, keep a diary and any physical evidence of what he does.

I would recommend contacting women’s aid for advice. Also ask if they will give you a space on one of their freedom
programmes as they talk about how these abusers use the children to continue to abuse you and have control over you and ways you can learn to cope with it. I’m in a similar situation to you expect I left, it’s been hard don’t get me wrong but at least my child had a happy, safe environment some of the time when he is with me .

It's a very real problem this and there are no easy answers. That's why some women stay. I'm not suggesting you do, I didn't. Like the other poster said, at least you'll be able to provide them a healthy peaceful home with you 50% of the time and that will help them enormously. There's also hope they realise more than you think now, or will in time, and that will help them advocate for themselves. Beyond that, if they can't see what's happening there's nothing you can do. In my experience, EA is impossible to prove to third parties because it's so insidious and nebulous. I'm a Christian and have prayed a lot and that's helped. You have my empathy, it's the hardest thing seeing him EA your kids.

My children don’t recognise what is happening and would never come back and tell me how he has shouted at them, put them down, or man handled them.

Right now your children only know what it’s like to live in an emotionally abusive house. Once you separate the children will have two different homes. They will start to process the differences in the homes and over time will hopefully learn to identify the emotionally abusive behaviour. They can’t identify it now because to them it’s normal. Provide the best home environment you can for them and try your best to prove as much abuse as possible for the child arrangements.