Advice on where to turn

[indomitablespirit]

I am scared about starting the process but I don’t want to continue with my marriage. Could anyone give me advice on who to see? We have tried counselling, but it hasn’t worked. I have previously posted about our problems that include his treatment of 9 yr old DS (he has slapped his face on two occasions and more recently he pulled him roughly by the legs out of our bed onto the floor. DS scraped his back on the wooden bed frame - he was in bed with me because he was very scared in his room, which is an ongoing problem he has at bedtime) I am completely against hitting children. I cannot stay with a man who does this and thinks it is ok - he has no remorse for these actions. We also have other problems with our relationship.

I am very worried about how I will manage financially - we are three years into a mortgage that I would struggle to pay. I am trying to find a new job. I am wondering how much financial support I could expect. Would it be a solicitor I go to for advice? Many thanks in advance.

Citizens Advice is a good first step. There’s loads of info on their website both about what happens when you separate and about benefits. Call them to ask for a benefits check based on you being a single parent. Then a solicitor will be able to explain the legal process

What you have described is child abuse, and that your 9 year old child is in danger.

Where to get help
The Freephone National Domestic Abuse Helpline, run by Refuge on
0808 2000 247
For free at any time, day or night. The staff will offer confidential, non-judgemental information and support.

Talk to a doctor, health visitor or midwife.

How to cover your tracks online
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/what-is-domestic-abuse/cover-your-tracks-online/
www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help

In danger?
Call 999. Teach children how to do this.
How to call the police when you can’t speak
www.policeconduct.gov.uk/sites/default/files/Documents/research-learning/Silent_solution_guide.pdf
Leaving the relationship safely
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

The Survivor's Handbook from the charity Women's Aid is free and provides information for women on a wide range of issues, such as housing, money, helping your children, and your legal rights.

Child Abuse - reporting
www.gov.uk/report-child-abuse

Legal Aid
www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

I’m divorcing. My biggest regret has been not having copies of all relevant documents, mostly bank statements. In my case although we had joint accounts I had left him in charge of all the finances.

Download a thing called Form E, that will tell you the information you will need.
l’ve had to move out. One of the things I’ve got to do is write down all my expected living expenses - heating, insurances, council tax etc. it would be easier if I still had access to those bills. Plus the same with personal spending. It may be that you do most things digitally which will be easier, but I’m not very good with tech either.

The next thing is to find a solicitor. Many will let you have a free introductory chat, then you can go with someone who feels right to you.

The other posters have given good advice the other aspects of divorce.

Thank you for all the useful advice - I really didn’t know how to get started before so it’s a great help.

Isheabastard - I will try and get copies of the documents you have suggested. I am sorry you had to move out - I wish you all the best.

In addition to the child abuse / domestic abuse advice above - how to get help - and after taking action to get safe and keep safe (both child and adult)...

Re – Divorce and Financial Settlement
There are 2 parts - divorce and financial settlement.
Divorce is usually straightforward.

Financial Settlement
To know what a fair split of assets is and to reach a financial settlement divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth.

Full and frank disclosure is a legal requirement.

What does full and frank disclosure look like?
Look at a Form E. A long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example property (the former marital home), pensions, savings, stocks and shares etc. It also lists the documents needed that show the value of assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers). Form Es are exchanged – both parties fill them out, attach the required documentary evidence and send them to each other.

What are the assets worth?
To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert - estate agents, pensions by CETV and / or a pension on divorce expert (PODE) report and so on. It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these.

Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former martial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert). Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children.

An actuary (PODE) can do an in-depth report on pension sharing - what capital and income would be if split 50/50 or a percentage of choice. They can be instructed to factor in retirement ages of the parties. Joint instructions are given to the actuary and they walk parties through the process.

Who gets what?
When deciding how to distribute a couple’s assets and income the court must apply a checklist of factors set by statute. The relevant statute is section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. These factors will need to be applied in every case, regardless of whether you are engaged in court proceedings or negotiating your own settlement. These are often called the Section 25 factors, which the court will consider when deciding how to distribute assets upon divorce or dissolution.

Section 25 Factors
www.legislation.gov.uk/ukpga/1973/18/section/25
images.ctfassets.net/o8luwa28k6k2/2cpp2mEMwBJWJLuzTiTruB/b5397e7459154fad8927826a2c99acdd/section-25-expert-guide.pdf

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future is considered.

First consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen.

The needs of each divorcing party are considered and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40.

Not getting full and frank disclosure?
It is vital to get all the assets “on the table” so that informed financial decision can be made and a fair/just settlement negotiated.

Full and frank financial disclosure is required and usually provided when Form E is exchanged.

If after Form E there is missing information / documentary evidence ‘Questionnaires’ may be exchanged to retrieve it – a list of questions and a list of any missing documentary evidence required which is served on each party.
If still missing after that, ‘Deficiencies’ are exchanged – questions can be asked to clarify and al list of required documentary evidence still missing.

A solicitor’s letter can be sent to retrieve financial information / documentary evidence.

A Court Order can also be applied for to gain financial information / documentary evidence / valuations that are missing / essential.

Advice and info
These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension
Free advice line (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk

Guides on divorce and financial settlement
www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce

Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report (actuary)
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Mediation
Mediation can be used to reach agreements.

Some cases are not suitable for mediation e.g., domestic abuse/bullying/coercive control/child abuse.

www.gov.uk/money-property-when-relationship-ends/mediation
resolution.org.uk/looking-for-help/splitting-up/your-process-options-for-divorce-and-dissolution/family-mediation/

The First Meeting with a Mediator – The MIAM
www.familymediationcouncil.org.uk/family-mediation/assessment-meeting-miam/
“The mediator will tell you whether your case is suitable for mediation, and you can decide whether you want to proceed with mediation or explore another option for resolving issues. The mediator can also give you information about other services which provide help and support.”

Legal advice
This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates
Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/
On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.
Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.

Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct
Mumsnet suggest www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships

Domestic Abuse
www.gov.uk/guidance/domestic-abuse-how-to-get-help
In danger?
Call 999. Teach children how to do this.
How to call the police when you can’t speak
www.policeconduct.gov.uk/sites/default/files/Documents/research-learning/Silent_solution_guide.pdf
Leaving the relationship safely
www.womensaid.org.uk/information-support/the-survivors-handbook/i-want-to-leave-my-relationship-safely/

Legal Aid
www.gov.uk/legal-aid/domestic-abuse-or-violence

Mumsnet suggest www.advicenow.org.uk/divorce-and-separation

Also, download guides at the link MN has provided to ADVICENOW. At top of page

They’re brilliantly written by a legal charity to tell you what to do, how fair settlement is defined, what you need a solicitor for, what you might want to use one for, and what you don’t need one for etc

they cover England and wales law.

Firstly you need to leave! The police can advise whether it meets the threshold for their involvement - the burden of proof if no medical evidence. Women's aid may be able to help too.

You will need to sell the house and any equity after costs will be split, all assets divided. You can claim child maintenance (see calculator online for an estimate) and look at turn2us for an idea of what universal credit you can claim. If you do not have the money for a deposit to rent, speak to your local council.

Divorce itself is easily processed online. The finances are trickier so get as much evidence as possible and if you have joint accounts consider moving 50% of all money just before you tell him

Hi all. Started the divorce process.. I'm looking to stay in the house til youngest has sat GCSEs (and take him off mortgage sndcdeeds). Giving ex every penny I own to put towards his house deposit, he's getting the rest of his equity when I sell on the trigger point. He's still in the house with us, it's horrid. He's demanding I take over the bills. I pay a lot out already and can't afford to pay for the full lot until I get universal credit, but I can't do that until I've given him my savings, (over 6k atm) he earns twice as much as me on a good month (he is S/E) so I don't see why I should pay all the bills if hes still in the house. He's managed to hide enough money via his accountant to get his wages to below mine, yet I know he's rolling in it. On top of food I've paid out £1000 over 2 months on Xmas gifts, school trip, dinner money, bus fees etc..I haven't mentioned this yet. Seeing a mediator atm , solicitor will come when needed for financial documents, transfer if money, deeds etc. He's putting pressure in me now to allow him to sign all bills over. Any advice?? He's very money money money.

Hi OP that does seem a very draining position for you. Do you have to give him all this money? Especially since he earns more than you? I am currently going through the process of divorce and have just exchanged the Forms E. It sounds as though you need some advice on finances rather than allowing him to take the lead in this. Is he telling you that you owe him money or something? I am still living with my H and it is not fun, is it? I think people do try and steer the course of events to help themselves - I thought it was essential to get legal help in the form of a solicitor as trying to do the forms yourself or know what you are entitled to seems very difficult. A solicitor will uncover any concealment of income and it seems that this is what has to happen in your case, otherwise you could seriously miss out.

Getting the new job would be really good in helping you become independent from him so wishing you luck with that! A solicitor is also a good step but long term might be difficult if you're having problems money wise. I get it - I was in the same position.

Solicitors cost so much it's actually crazy. I don't understand why sometimes, it's not right. Although having a solicitor is great, I couldn't keep mine (both lack of funds and mine was not very good at getting things/moving in the divorce), so I had to use whatever resources I could find. See if maybe these might help you cut down on costs if it gets a little hard. Use mumsnet as there's a lot of good advice here and you can get answers to questions you have rather than asking your solicitor first. Same with facebook divorce groups, I joined a bunch and they offer great advice there - they might be able to point you to where you need to go to get some more help like others here have done.
I also used this - https://iamlip.com/ - it's a bunch of free help guides that take you through the entire process. I used it without a solicitor which was fine as I just followed the help guides and read the explanations/guidance on the website about the things I didn't understand, but my friend used it and had a solicitor too. She just used the help guides to do a lot of it herself e.g. filling out forms rather than asking her solicitor do it and saved a lot. Hope these suggestions can help!
Wishing you and your child the best xxx

Also this might help you get started so you're ready - https://iamlip.com/help-guides/pre-divorce/