How have you stopped your children being hurt when you divorce?

[Mummyof3lovelykids]

Hi, I haven’t posted before. I think I need to separate from my husband. We’ve got three children (6, 4 and nearly a year). He is verbally abusive towards me (I feel really strange acknowledging and writing that) and always has been really. We’ve been together 20 years. It’s shouting and name calling mostly which tbh I’ve always just put up with but he can’t stop himself from doing it in front of the children and I feel like it’s starting to affect them and only going to get worse as they get older and understand what he’s saying more. It can go from me being a loser (although the newest one is that I’m just ‘average’ which actually hurts more!) to being screamed at to keep my big mouth shut if I try and defend myself to saying the worst thing he ever did was marry me and is leaving. We have a complicated financial situation as we share a business (that doesn’t function unless he is working in it as it’s services based) so us separating could have a big impact on our income if he decides not to front it - which I’m mentioning because the impact this would have on the children.

I do 95% of the childcare as it is (probably more tbh) and literally never get chance to sit down during the day. When my youngest naps I’m either working on the business or trying to clean up at home. So in that respect I’m not overwhelmed at the thought of being a single parent as I’m used to doing pretty much everything anyway. My husband thinks nothing of laying on the bed and watching tv every evening whilst I’m doing tea/clearing up/homework/bath time/playing with the children etc. He goes to the gym most mornings, saunas, massages etc regularly. He complains I don’t do more in the business or have more financial vigilance on our affairs and I’ve asked countless times for him to give me some of his free time to look after our youngest for even an hour here and there and I could get more done but it always causes a row and doesn’t happen. He’s quite a bit older than me and says he needs his relaxation plus is working hard (which he is, although from home mostly). He also has a habit of building (platonic, I think) relationships with other women. He is someone who likes to help people, emotionally I mean, but I don’t feel comfortable with it and have told him more than once. I’ve found texts from women at the gym etc who he’s arranged to have coffees with and there always seems to be someone on the scene. We did manage to talk about it once half calmly and he said there’s nothing in it and it’s because he gets nothing back from me relationship wise.

Sorry, I’m getting carried away in writing about all this. I genuinely don’t know if I should be leaving him or not. Reading this back is this just a day in the life for some couples? I can’t bear to think about how my eldest in particular would cope with us separating. He’s such a lovely boy and very emotional and I just know it will devastate him. Plus the financial upheaval and the impact that would have on them.

I’d feel very uncomfortable talking to anyone in my family about this. I have great friends but don’t want to put on them plus I’m embarrassed about it all but I genuinely don’t know what to do anymore. So I guess what I’m really asking is are there any stories people can share about getting divorced and their children being okay after? Even if it’s a complicated one??

Thank you x

Ugh he sounds like a prize asshole OP
I was in an abusive marriage too and my DC is infinitely happier now I’m not.

You can find a way. Womens aid helped me and I was able to access some benefits while I got back on my feet financially. Maybe get in touch with them (they have a web chat, you could copy what you’ve said here) and they can give you some guidance.

Good luck

Try reading back what you have written and imagining that one of your children was telling you this was how their partner treated them. What would you think?

As for your title question, you can’t stop your children feeling hurt about divorce but you can’t stop them developing lifelong warped views of relationships by staying. I’m so sorry that you are in this situation, but leaving is certainly the lesser of two evils. There’s lots of support you and others can give them in the aftermath. But one of the huge things you would be giving them is the lesson that ‘we don’t let anyone shout at or belittle us. We are worth more than that’ 💜

I moved out last year and I will say that I agonised for absolutely ever about the kids and this was such a waste of my time and energy. The kids were upset initially, of course. But they are incredibly resilient and adaptable. What are you teaching your girls about relationships by staying? And how about your boy? It isn’t good for the children to see you being treated the way you are, and his language you will be very upsetting for them. Leaving is likely the only way you can protect them, and you. The short term hurt and pain is nothing in comparison with what they will feel having to witness long term abuse.

What I would say is, get your ducks in a row first. If he’s abusive now it’s likely this could get much worse when you try to leave. Can you stay with family for a while? Get a lawyer on your side now, work out your options. Put your hands on everything you can in terms of information about your business and personal finances and take this to your solicitor. Do you have savings? Expect him
to cut your access to money, especially if he controls the business finances too. It might not be that bad for you but just be prepared.

Read Narcissism the Lure, the Loss and the Law. And so contact womens refuge.

The most damaging thing for children of separating parents is listening to one parent running down the other. Sounds like your ex will continue to tell your children what a complete waste of space you are. But as they grow up and see you managing your life and thriving they will come to their own conclusions that their father is an unpleasant, misogynistic twat.
He sounds like a heavy burden to live with and you will be so relieved when you can put it down and get on with your life.

When I told my DS (then 4) that daddy was moving out and he would spend some time with each of us and he asked only practical questions about where his toys would stay. I then asked how he felt about it and he said "Good because he says the wrong things" - by which he meant berated me and made me cry - much as it sounds like your DH does to you. It was certainly an eye-opening response and reassured me that I'd made the right decision.

Your kids are good ages to separate - they'll adjust easily and won't (for many years at least) need detail on why. You don't harm kids by divorce, you harm them by years of parental conflict, but for most people there's a lot less conflict after separating. My only regret is that I didn't do it sooner.

My ex wasn't abusive and the children enjoyed life with us all living together.
Ex and I made a pact when we seperated that, no matter what we started to feel about each other, we would never bad mouth the other one. We stuck to this and I think that really helped the children not to suffer any more than they did. I always told them how much their Daddy loved them but did also explain that he was now living with another woman ( they were 10 and 5) but that he would see them as much as he possibly could ( he did)
It helped that he enabled us financially to stay in the house until I could buy him out some years later.
He and the children had a good relationship until they didn't but that was when the youngest reached about 16 and that was the ex's fault solely. However I'm glad they lived their actual childhood as free from the pain of divorce as much as was possible and they will now say that they are so glad they didn't realise he was a dick until they were old enough to cope with it.
Sadly ex did eventually turn into quite a cunt upon meeting yet another woman and the now adult children have no contact with him

I seperated from my husband in December. Well, the Police arrested him after I finally reported him. I had told myself for nearly 2 decades that it wasn't that bad. And when children came along I told myself that they were not affected. Now he's gone it's absolutely clear to see that they were affected. They have told me things that they heard and saw him do and honestly I feel awful.
Now that he's gone, three months on, I look back and see that all of it was bad. He had us under full control.
Please, do not let this continue. You can be free, safe and happy without him. Your children will most likely breathe a sigh of relief without him around like mine have.
Good luck.