Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. A phone that grows with your child.

Meet the Other Phone.
A phone that grows with your child.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

I need help before leaving

38 replies

grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:11

I need to leave my ‘D’H: he is very shouty and constantly gaslights. He’s nasty to our DS (5) and impatient with our DD (4mo) although much better with her than he’s ever been with DS.

We both work full time in the public sector but he moved to a job a year ago which offers overtime. As a result, he now out earns me by about £20k a year. I’m on maternity leave for another 4 months and this has led to lots of threats about ‘taking the money away’ and making me cut short my maternity leave.

His big issue with me is that I don’t have sex with him enough. This week, he’s said I need to stop telling him about the baby’s night waking (he has never done a night or a bedtime with either child) because, while he has to do night shifts at work in the cold, I’m whinging about ‘being in a nice, cosy bed with a beautiful baby’ - he forgets that he sleeps the next day after a night shift and I’m now functioning on 4.5 months without a full, uninterrupted night sleep.

He’s also told me he ‘doesn’t give a shit’ that I’ve got covid and so I’ve just gotten on with everything, while feeling rotten.

I feel, physically and emotionally, like a single parent, so I might as well be one.

Another, possibly relevant, detail: when I go back to work, it is a family member of mine who will do 100% of the childcare for us; this is the same arrangement as we had for my 5yo.

Now, he won’t leave the family home, so I’ll have to. I have a little bit of money saved up to rent somewhere but do I also need to pay mortgage and bills for the family home while I’m not living there? I can’t afford both.

Re. our children, he can’t have any routine in his contact with them because of his shifts. I’d be happy to facilitate contact every couple of weeks, working round his shifts but my DS won’t want to stay the night with him and if he attempts to, this will lead to DS being upset and DH getting angry. My son has never spend a night away from me, despite having tried a couple of times with family member who looks after him. He always gets to a certain point and wants mummy before he goes to sleep. My DD is exclusively breastfed so he can’t have her overnight.

He is really nasty to my DS. Things like forcing him to wear certain clothing when he’s crying his eyes out (DS has some clothing sensory issues) and then screaming at him if he doesn’t just comply. He is very quick to scream and swear. He has called my DS a cunt before when he’s not immediately compliant. You get the gist. DS does love his dad and would want to see him but the idea of DH having DS along for any extended period of time makes me feel physically sick. This is why I’ve stayed.

So what do I need to do? Sorry for the length of post.

OP posts:
Original poster
grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:13

Alone*

OP posts:
Shouldbedoing · 04/03/2023 16:15

I think you need expert advice from somewhere like Woman's Aid. He is abusive.

Helswatts · 04/03/2023 16:18

Are you married? Have a look in to a non-molestation order to get him out the house.

Original poster
grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:21

Yes, we are. I’ll do that now: thank you. This week, his go to phrase, if I argue against his various nastiness is to say, “where’s your suitcase? It’s as empty as your threats to leave.” etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:25

I have no ‘proof’ of any of his wrongdoing. My DS would be able to repeat the things he says and does but is that enough?

To the outside world, he plays the doting family man and, I suspect, paints me as someone who barely copes.

He often tells me that, ‘if you run your mouth off like that in the street, someone would punch your face in’ and I’m now realising just how threatening that sort of thing is.

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 04/03/2023 16:27

Well done for resolving to live. It’s hard now but it will get easier once he is out of your life.

I would also suggest calling Women’s Aid and make an appointment to see a solicitor.

If you feel able to, I would also discretely record him verbally abusing your DS as evidence of his abuse and go and speak to your GP and health visitor about it as a concern so that there is evidence of it.

I would be incredibly surprised if your DH wants overnights with your DS in any case.

Original poster
grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:29

@Mumsanetta thank you. I’ll try to do that.
He has told me that if we were to separate, he will do everything in his power to take everything from me, including the children.

OP posts:
Original poster
grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:30

That may well be bluster but I do worry he’ll try to get 50/50, although I’ve no idea how that would work with his shifts.

OP posts:
Crispymandm · 04/03/2023 16:31

I second Wonens aid, they are an excellent organisation who will help you and your dc. I also wouldn’t leave the house if I were you and look to make him move out. You can get an emergency non molestation order swiftly to protect you from his anger and go from there.

Original poster
grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:33

Thank you @Crispymandm It’s just my word against his thought, isn’t it? Would a non-molestation order be granted in those circumstances?

OP posts:
Crispymandm · 04/03/2023 16:33

All of his actions that you are describing are him inducing fear to have control over you all. Courts see right through these type of men in my experience.

Crispymandm · 04/03/2023 16:35

in my experience you would be granted an emergency non mol, so he would be stopped from being near or contacting you. He would be within his rights to challenge it . Women’s aid can set this up for you pretty quickly and guide you

Original poster
grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:36

@Crispymandm my goodness; I hope you’re right. I’m going to get onto women’s aid. Thank you.

OP posts:
Mumsanetta · 04/03/2023 16:39

grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:29

@Mumsanetta thank you. I’ll try to do that.
He has told me that if we were to separate, he will do everything in his power to take everything from me, including the children.

@grangegrove Abusive men nearly always use this as a threat but he is not the primary carer and clearly can’t cope as a parent so while he might be entitled to 50:50 as a default it is unlikely he will. He says it because he knows it will scare you and stop him leaving you.

In the unlikely event that he does get overnights with your DS the upside is that you will be able to provide your DS with a safe haven when he is with you instead of constantly being in a home with him.

Anyfeckinusername · 04/03/2023 16:40

Hi OP. Sounds horrendous, I'm sorry. Why do you say he won't leave the house? Just because he's an arse, or has he some prior claim to it?

I would bet the farm he wouldn't go for 50/50 or full custody. These threats feel so very real (hd them myself) but they are so often just pointy threats.

Take care, wishing you well

Mumsanetta · 04/03/2023 16:43

“To the outside world, he plays the doting family man and, I suspect, paints me as someone who barely copes.” Of course he does, most abusive men are able to play a role whilst outside the home. This is why I think an audio recording of him will help once you are away from him and safe as he will be worried about his reputation.

The morality of recording someone without their knowledge is of course questionable but if you ask me so is calling your 5 yr old a cunt. If you decide to do this make sure your phone is on silent and start recording before you enter the room.

Original poster
grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:45

@Mumsanetta this is true and I know I need to be rational but honestly, my gut tells me that I just can’t leave DS to be with him alone. I don’t think he’d ever harm him but I do know that in certain moods, he’d just chip away again and again at DS: telling him he’s a baby or a pathetic mummy’s boy or that he’s ‘ruined’ because he’s around me too much. As I’m here, I argue and contradict 100% of the time (which is one huge reason the marriage is so bad) but if I’m not there, this just all goes unchecked. He also accused DS of lying about things, like if he’s said something and DS reports it back to me, he’ll stand there and say DS is lying, despite it being totally true. I’ve caught him out in this a few times, where I’ve actually heard the original comment/ conversation. If I’m not with him, how can I possibly protect DS?

OP posts:
TwilightSkies · 04/03/2023 16:46

Do you have any proof in texts or anything? Are you able to secretly record him being nasty to DS?

Im glad you are contacting Women’s Aid

Original poster
grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:49

@Anyfeckinusername no prior claim; in fact, I put in the deposit, but he has said that he will not go.

I think he has so much anger and hatred towards me that he will do anything in his power to hurt me. He has already made it clear that he will tell everyone that I’m mentally ill.

OP posts:
Crispymandm · 04/03/2023 16:49

I was in a similar situation @grangegrove my son was spoken to in school after I called social services myself, and when he said how his df had upset him with what he was saying my ex could only have supervised contact with my dc for 6 months. I got to choose who did the supervising. There are things in place that you can access to protect you all, I know how daunting it can be.

Theeaglesoared · 04/03/2023 16:50

OP your DH sounds horrible. Wishing you all the luck in the world in making a new life for you and your children.

Original poster
grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:50

@TwilightSkies no proof. He is very clever about stuff like that. No prize for guessing which public service he works in.

OP posts:
Original poster
grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:53

@Crispymandm thank you. This has made me feel so much better.

OP posts:
Original poster
grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:54

Thank you @Theeaglesoared

OP posts:
Duckingella · 04/03/2023 16:59

grangegrove · 04/03/2023 16:50

@TwilightSkies no proof. He is very clever about stuff like that. No prize for guessing which public service he works in.

He's in the police force isn't he?

Swipe left for the next trending thread