What do I do next? Struggles with paying fees

[Struggles72]

Hi,

I posted last week about struggles with paying ongoing solicitor fees and not sure what to do next. I have been with a solicitor group for the last 2 years whi have done very little to help tbh. I have already put a lot of their bills on a credit card which is now on 0% for 19 months - and I have to pay £400 a month to get that paid off in time before the 0% kicks in.

Husband inherited another property which he has had refurbished and now lives in (for the last 2 years) but he has to pay his sibling 50% of the value once our house is on the market and sold. He is offering a 55/45 split of the family home in my favour without touching pensions. He has worked full time throughout our marriage and paid AVC’s into his pension and is planning to semi-retire soon (he is 61). I worked part time for 12 years raising the children so have a reduced pension and salary from those years although we did have a joint account throughout the marriage. I am the higher earner. I am 50.

He has also not paid a penny in child support for the child under 18. I have now put a claim in and CM have sent him a letter (eldest child told me) saying £500 a month will be taken from his monthly pay with me getting most of this. He can’t afford it. I know he can’t. However, I can’t afford to get another house with a mortgage at my age which will reduce my disposable income dramatically. I will struggle. I am struggling now. I had hoped he would offer to pay 50% of things like school bus fares and her phone but he hasn’t. Oldest child is working and over 18 so isn’t a financial burden as such and ge splits his time between us. The youngest is with me 100%. I have shouldered all costs for the youngest and a lot for the eldest whilst continuing to pay all bills and maintenance on the family home.

I am getting mentally drained and tired with all of this. My new solicitor has just sent a bill of £726 for a month of work. I can’t afford it without putting it on a credit card. I already owe £16k due to the last two years. I don’t want to take on any more debt. I could probably pay £300 a month from my salary and have emailed the solicitor to see if they can slow things down so I’m only paying £300.

Im starting to wonder if I should just cut my losses and accept the 55% of the family home. However, to get anywhere suitable would cost me another £50k and I’m not sure if I’d get a mortgage anyway or if I can afford to pay this for the rest of my working life. Husband will have 45% of the family home, all of his >£300k pension and half of the inherited property (and he will also inherit his sibling’s property further down the line). My disposable income will be reduced very low that I will struggle.

I am concerned that my eldest child (19) is being dragged into this as he is the messenger a lot. There is no communication between his dad and myself.

I was unhappy in the marriage for years - it was me that ended it. Sexless for well over a decade and no love/affection. I wasn’t attracted to him and it was eating away at me inside. Menopause made me act but I’m now in a much worse financial situation whereas when we together we had a very good life. Lots of holidays, cars, fully paid 4 bedroomed detached house.

I don’t hate my husband and wanted him to understand that I had done my time in the marriage and we were nothing more than friends. He took it badly and has ignored me since. I was sleeping in the box room for years in a single bed (like a bedsit almost). It was unfair to both of us.

I don’t want to ruin him financially. However, I don’t want to be ruined either. What do I do?

Before the 0% runs out that should say

Eldest child is saying he is worried about his dad since he got this letter and is begging me to cancel the CM claim.

With having a joint account throughout our marriage. I have supplemented my husband’s lower earnings throughout. We always had the same pocket money even though I’d put in an extra £500-£1000 a month.

You take a deep breath (right to the bottom of your lungs) and you hold firm and do what is best for YOU.

I don’t know what that is - despite all the detail in your post, you still miss out key things lie, the size of your pension etc, so it’s impossible to advise you of this.

Only you can work out what is right for you, but a few things stand out from your post.

Don't involve the kids, even as messengers. It has resulted in one of them feeling they have to beg you to cancel the CMS claim.

You are entitled to the CMS. Don’t let anyone make you withdraw it out of emotional blackmail. Do you think he would voluntarily give up that sum of money if emotionally guilted into it? Of course not. He won’t even give it to you when are legally in the right for it!

The pension issue is HUGE.

Don’t sacrifice an easily life now to be broke later. Equally, do a realistic assessment, what percentage are you fighting for and how much $ difference is that? Balance this number against solicitors costs and the matter dragging out.

But finally again, do what is right for YOU and get the money you are entitled too.

As @LinesAndDot said it’s hard to comment with the information we have so far.

It feels like you are being too nice and considering ex too much. Ex needs to step up e.g. pleads poverty = he needs to get a 2nd job or a proper paid job. He needs to get out of the mentality you subsidise him, you’re getting divorced so all of that is over. It sounds like he won’t have any rent / mortgage to pay by the end of this. So why shouldn’t he be able to pay for bills, food, CMS etc?

What have the solicitors actually done? They sound very expensive

The pension could be an issue …. But that will be balanced to a degree by your 11 year lower age ( you have 15 years to contribute and build your own) and your higher earnings
this also reduces your claim to being disadvantaged by marriage as you earn more than him

what split do you want ?

Ask solicitor to take a charge on your house then you don't have to pay them till it's sold. Takes the pressure off massively, my bills were same as yours till I ran out of money paid the final £22k when the house sold

If he doesn't want you to touch his pension then you need more equity. I assume that 5% of the equity isn't £150k.

He clearly can't afford to retire but that's not your problem to solve as with the sibling house equity thing.

Dont back down on the CM. Thats the minimum amount that he should be paying and he should be embarrassed that he will never have the under 18 overnight.

Remember that your ex is going to have more cash than you when the divorce is final. Half of the inherited house, a decent percentage of the marital home and 300k pension.

Is he using a solicitor ? If so he must be drowning in legal fees too.

I think you have posted about this a lot. I’m not sure you have moved forward. Respectfully that might be because you ask for advise on the same issues in a different way and get different answers which increases your dissonance. Leading you back to the same place each time which costs you money. Just take the legal advice you have and act on it. MN will not help because we aren’t lawyers and we don’t know the details of the case.

My penny worth

His inheritance was received after you separated from what I recall. It’s unlikely to be considered a marital asset.

Have you had the pensions valued in any way? How much pension did he save in the marriage and how much did you save ? If I recall it’s about the same and this is why leaving them alone is fair. If not get them valued but it will cost you money. Or take your solicitors advice on what to do.

i also recall you want to stay in the 4 bed house whilst taking a lower paid less stressful job. These are not needs. If you want them you pay for it from your settlement which will not be based on these assumptions. Divorces don’t pay for lifestyle upgrades, that’s just life.

You need to get over the fact he lucked into an inheritance.

Stop believing what your son says his dad has told him, it may not be the truth. If the cms say he pays £500, they have assessed his salary and have come to that figure accordingly. Why can’t you stay in the home until your youngest reaches 18? Solicitors will screw you for every penny you possesss imo