Going through separation and hate everyone!

Cacoatime · 2023-02-28T16:56:28+00:00

Finally going through separation from DP of 10 years and two children. I'm in therapy and it has been suggested that I've been dealing with a covert narcissist all these years. I suddenly feel so angry. Not just with him but absolutely everyone around me. I reached out to his family some months ago and had the door shut in my face and was blamed for not being more tolerant. His mother showed signs of narcissism for years but more openly and obviously. She made my life quite difficult in the early days. His sisters have been quietly screenshotting my social media posts about household inequality and sharing them with different members of the family for months and calling me a man hater. I have since fallen out with both of them, blocked them all and I've been completely NC with his family now since before Christmas. I have zero patience for anyone at present. I then recently fell out with my daughter's school because they weren't supporting her with a friendship issue. I then volunteered for the PTA as I often do and fell out with one of the other mums who kept abruptly telling me what to do. My brother has made some awful, sarcastic remarks about my separation, told me I'm fat and lazy (I'm not at all, I work and raise my kids pretty much independently of DP) and I've blocked him from my life too. I feel like I'm at war with everyone. How do I make this stop? I feel so angry all the time and I'm fed up of tolerating shit behaviour. I feel suspicious of everyone, I don't trust anyone. On the face of it, I'm a successful, well-together woman with my own business. I help people and I'm usually kind and caring. But I'm already raging for the next person that wants to have a pop at me. I'm even imagining scenarios of who I may need to fall out with next. This doesn't seem normal? Does the anger go away? I trust nobody.

TheVanguardSix · 28/02/2023 17:23

Anger is normal. Healthy rage is not a weapon but a tool that will actually be of enormous help during this painfully transformative period.
Anger is more of an ally than you know.
And maybe, just maybe, the school isn’t supportive and is letting your DD down.
Maybe giving of yourself to others isn’t what you need right now. You’re low on reserves. You’re in the trenches. Fuck the PTA. 😆🥳
Your anger is justified.
Your anger is giving you permission to fight for what is right and what is just.
Your anger is a shedding of a thorny skin grown during an unhealthy marriage.

Anger is a powerful part of your transformation and your healing. The wrong people for you will run away. The right people will be there for you at the other side of all this.
You’re still successful, kind, lovely, loving, compassionate, good… you’re just angry.
I learned to love my rage. I have survived because of it! It certainly helped cull some shitty souls out of my life. Let the rage do its work. But do learn to box breathe like a Navy SEAL. 😁
💐Congratulations OP on clearing your path of assholes.
I had to do my Form E this morning. Did it to L7’s Shitlist. One of the best angry songs ever made!

Original poster

Cacoatime · 28/02/2023 18:02

Thank you for your amazing post @TheVanguardSix ! I feel so much better!

I do think you're right though... I don't have the reserves for helping others right now. I have a particular needy friend who I met up with recently as she wanted to "be a shoulder to lean on" but the opposite happened as it always does. I haven't been able to be around her since because I have zero reserves or patience for her right now.

I imagine I'll lose quite a lot of people throughout this separation but I think I'm due a cleanse. I hate schools right now in general. My ex was a deputy head and was a passive aggressive, institutionalised arsehole, I guess this is why I'm getting so angry with my kids school. I'll step back for a while!

OP posts:

Chipsandcheese123 · 19/03/2023 08:37

I'm in a similar position and my counsellor asked where my anger is- I just switch between grief/guilt/ self loathing. I think anger must be a lot healthier xx

ThisModernLove · 19/03/2023 21:13

Interesting - I thought it was just me! I find almost everyone totally intolerable 🤣 I used to be cheerful and sociable and whilst I still am to an extent I have cut people off left right and centre.

I am totally unafraid to step back totally from people who I feel are not positive for my mental health whereas before I was a huge people pleaser. I have huge amounts of anger too. Sometimes it’s positive, sometimes it isn’t positive and I can feel like I’m spiralling. In general i feel a very different person now to I used to be.

Menopants · 19/03/2023 21:20

Fuck’em bunch of cunts

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 19/03/2023 21:25

I also think... Fuck em.... Maybe the cleanse is good.

Look after yourself, love yourself.

Original poster

Cacoatime · 20/03/2023 13:07

Those final two responses are hilarious 😂

OP posts:

Twinkle6 · 26/03/2023 03:44

This reply has been withdrawn

The OP has privacy concerns and so we've agreed to take this down.

CheekyHobson · 26/03/2023 04:40

I can assure you the anger is natural when you are exiting a bunch of relationships where your boundaries have been trampled relentlessly. The anger is what helps you get your boundaries sharply into place and gives you protection from further trampling by assholes as well as space and time to heal your own understandings around personal responsibility and self-care.

When you finally start to see narcissistic behaviour clearly and understand that you've been having your boundaries trampled for years, it's not unusual to realise that there are a bunch of people who need to be evicted from inside your inner circle.

Narcissism often arises as a result of dysfunctional families, so if your ex is a narcissist, odds are that a lot of his family members are as well. And you learned to let narcissists walk all over you from somewhere so odds are also good that some people in your own family are going to need to be given restricted access to you as well. You also feel zero tolerance for anyone infringing on your new boundaries.

The good news is that once you spend a good, long time (many months, if not years) building a safe emotional and physical space for yourself (by which I mean a home where you are no longer shouted at or demeaned, a level of financial security that means you're not living hand-to-mouth and week-to-week and reliably nourishing relationships), the anger will recede and you will feel a sense of calm centredness and non-reactive strength in enforcing your boundaries.

That means that when the PTA mum starts abruptly telling you that you'll need to manage the school yearbook as well as the bake sale, instead of snapping, "Sally, how about you fuck off with your bossy bullshit, I'm already running the whole fucking bake sale and I don't have time to . Also I don't appreciate being spoken to like a serf", you find yourself calmly thinking, "Hmmm, she really needs to work on her communication skills" and serenely say, "Actually, running the bake sale is all I've got time to take on, so you'll need to find someone else for the yearbook, sorry"

And when Sally starts moaning that there's nobody else to do it, you'll think, "Glad I didn't take on the PTA chair role, it sounds like a pain in the ass" and say, "Yeah, sorry, you've taken on a really tough job there! I guess life is busy for a lot of people. Good luck finding someone!" and walk away knowing that you don't actually have to fix Sally's problems and if Sally's mad at you for not doing so, that's also 100 percent her problem.

Jas683 · 26/03/2023 08:03

It was an amazing post and one which I might refer in the the future 😂

Good luck with the coming days, weeks and months.

Penelope1703 · 27/03/2023 21:29

I think this is really normal

I stumbled across this account recently which I'm finding really cathartic instagram.com/womenaremad?igshid=YmMyMTA2M2Y=

Menopants · 27/03/2023 21:37

CheekyHobson · 26/03/2023 04:40

I can assure you the anger is natural when you are exiting a bunch of relationships where your boundaries have been trampled relentlessly. The anger is what helps you get your boundaries sharply into place and gives you protection from further trampling by assholes as well as space and time to heal your own understandings around personal responsibility and self-care.

When you finally start to see narcissistic behaviour clearly and understand that you've been having your boundaries trampled for years, it's not unusual to realise that there are a bunch of people who need to be evicted from inside your inner circle.

Narcissism often arises as a result of dysfunctional families, so if your ex is a narcissist, odds are that a lot of his family members are as well. And you learned to let narcissists walk all over you from somewhere so odds are also good that some people in your own family are going to need to be given restricted access to you as well. You also feel zero tolerance for anyone infringing on your new boundaries.

The good news is that once you spend a good, long time (many months, if not years) building a safe emotional and physical space for yourself (by which I mean a home where you are no longer shouted at or demeaned, a level of financial security that means you're not living hand-to-mouth and week-to-week and reliably nourishing relationships), the anger will recede and you will feel a sense of calm centredness and non-reactive strength in enforcing your boundaries.

That means that when the PTA mum starts abruptly telling you that you'll need to manage the school yearbook as well as the bake sale, instead of snapping, "Sally, how about you fuck off with your bossy bullshit, I'm already running the whole fucking bake sale and I don't have time to . Also I don't appreciate being spoken to like a serf", you find yourself calmly thinking, "Hmmm, she really needs to work on her communication skills" and serenely say, "Actually, running the bake sale is all I've got time to take on, so you'll need to find someone else for the yearbook, sorry"

And when Sally starts moaning that there's nobody else to do it, you'll think, "Glad I didn't take on the PTA chair role, it sounds like a pain in the ass" and say, "Yeah, sorry, you've taken on a really tough job there! I guess life is busy for a lot of people. Good luck finding someone!" and walk away knowing that you don't actually have to fix Sally's problems and if Sally's mad at you for not doing so, that's also 100 percent her problem.

This is great, sadly I’m still at the ‘fuck off sally’ stage

Mumof3confused · 27/03/2023 22:59

I think this is really normal when you are dealing with so much stuff that you’ve been ignoring or repressing for years and you are angry about the things you should have been angry all those years ago. At the time you just let it go because they told you how you should feel, or you feared their reaction. Right now you have no room left for more stuff.

Also, and I mean this in a well-meaning way, those of us who have married a covert narcissist tend to sometimes have childhood wounds that made us easy victims for this personality type. Once you see the narc for what they are, you begin to recognise this personality type elsewhere in your life. They are like flies to fly-paper. This is why this angry phase is a really important part of your healing from abuse. Your anger is showing you the relationships that no longer serve you. It’s time for you to learn how to lay down new boundaries so that these people are no longer able to leech off you.