DD hates staying at her dads

[Cluckycluck]

DH and I separated a few months ago. Initially DD (6) coped really well but I'm not sure she really understood that it mean he would never live with us again as since Christmas she has really struggled.

She loves spending time with him but hates staying at his house. She is happy to be there during the day mostly. The only reason she hates his house is that she doesn't like him living there. After her day of being with him she wants them to both come home and stay here.

It has now got to the stage where she has anxiety about going to his house, hides when she has to go and we are now at the stage of having full meltdown. She is supposed to stay alternate weekends for 2 nights and for a night in the week.

How can we make this better for her? We don't want to force her to stay if she is unhappy but equally she needs to be able to stay with him and we don't want her to get into the habit of not staying.

Others will disagree. If she doesn’t want to. Do not force her as you will only make it worse. Do it at her pace, stick to daytime and if she doesn’t want to stay that’s fine. Hopefully eventually she will start coming round.

Agree with @Pleasecreateausername13

Six is very little to cope with two bases if it isn’t coming naturally. I’d take the pressure off now and keep it for daytime, and then come Easter take her shopping to get a few bits for her bedroom at his, and then test the water for a one night weekend stay, and build from there. (Slowly)

Midweek stays can be really disruptive and never suit some kids, but weekends will likely be fine if you slow down and give her time.

Agreed

She had been happily staying before Christmas so we've already done the shopping for her room. She loves her room setup and her special thibgs she has there. I think at first it was fun but she didn't understand that this would be forever thing.

You're all probably right that we should take the pressure off and start from the beginning again building up to staying.

"After her day of being with him she wants them to both come home and stay here"

I think this is your issue;she needs to understand mum and dad aren't getting back together;is there any books/online resources that you can use to help her understand?;six is very young to process this.

My DS(9) hates his dad. He doesn't see the point in going as he just sits in his room. Contact isn't court ordered, but EH has threatened it. I stretch weekends out as much as possible. It's supposed to be EOW but it is anywhere between 3 and 8 weeks ... I don't see the point in facilitating anything. He's said that he doesn't want to see him since he was 2. It won't be too much longer and he can officially say he's not going.

Could she just come home for Saturday night and her dad pick her up again early Sunday morning? At least doing something different might break her routine of getting so upset. Could her dad take her out some place as soon as he picks her up so she has something exciting to look forward to. It's a very painful time for her.

No experience but maybe she’s not going regularly enough? 1 night during the week and eow may not be long enough to settle into a routine and it feel like home?

I think you need to explain to her that you are separated and that you and her dad are not getting back together and this means dad lives elsewhere. In a child friendly way. And keep repeating.

personally I think she should keep going and both of you need to reassure her that it’s ok, that you’re ok when she’s there, that it’s ok to miss you etc but still be away

I'd try and keep the weekends up but drop the mid week overnight, can she go after school for tea a couple of days and back to sleep at yours

Yes was going to say, don't go on about how you'll miss her as she may worry about you