Separation help - Not able to move out

[Margot87]

Hi there,

I have been married for 13 years with one child with SEN. We have decided to separate however due to money he can’t move out. We both had city jobs pre child with good income. Post child I kept city job but on p/t basis. He worked f/t. Over past few years due to trying to support child with SEN I took career breaks and tried to keep city job p/t. Could not make it work and lost 2 jobs.

I am primary care giver. I work p/t in healthcare now/pick child up from
school/cook meals/homework and clubs etc plus liase and organise all aspects of thd legal support plan in place for school. He comes back late every evenings and only at weekends will he take child on Sat to activities or the park on Sunday morning only because I don’t drive. I still have to get up am at the weekend to do breakfast/homework while he lies in. I cook all meals.

I was offered a place at uni to start post grad to retrain as a speech therapist which I want to do and where I have been working. It would help my child.

My issue is we live in London and I am worried about whether I will be supported financially for 2 years to finish my course and qualify.

In order to get him out I am debating going back to a city job f/t to get financial independence and get him
out.The issue I have is I haven’t coped with the pressure and plus it’s not a supportive culture re:child. My experience p/t was f/t work at cost. Really stressful environment and high demands. NhS is a lot better on that front but pay not great.

i would be incredibly sad to give up my dream as I was really unfulfilled by city career but feel under so much pressure because situation at home is awful with my partner.

There’s quite a bit to unpick here.

First thing you need to think about is the house. You both own it and “getting him out” without his consent is going to take a court order and probably a lump sum. All that takes time. Being reasonable and amicable could achieve things quicker.

There are a lot of factors that would work to your advantage when splitting the finances and that might support a mesher order. But a mesher order comes with a lot of downsides later in life.

As to your choice of career. The NHS is a flexible employer when it can be. But that’s not always the case for patient facing roles. Therapy roles tend to regular hours but you need to be there and on time. Culturally and managerially they don’t like lateness and absence. You might end up in a high pressured job with a heavy workload and not great pay. Plus you ex might argue you are minimising income by retraining when you already have a well paid job.

Thanks. Was aware of some of it but really not sure I can go back to highly pressurised city job. Being late and absent is not deemed favourable in any job. My city background has put me in good stead re:current work

Do you own your home or rent?

Do you jointly own the house?

We own the house

I need advise! My son (43) & DiL (42)are separating. Well she decided a year ago that she wanted to but is still at the house & the situation is deteriorating rapidly. She can't afford to buy him out /pay mortgage so it was decided he would buy her out & pay rent on a new place for her+gs 5& gd2 . She doesn't want to get a job &hasn't worked since first baby so is unable to get a mortgage . Recently my GS has started telling me , (completely unsolicited )that mummy was shouting at daddy & threw a cup at him in the kitchen, mummy threw a dirty nappy at daddy & the latest is mummy punched daddy's face. He was peeping around the kitchen door & they didn't know he was there . I feel so upset for him & his baby sister & don't know how to deal with this. I want to speak to them about this behaviour but I know it won't go down with either of them but I know its having a detrimental effect on my GS as he's been getting into trouble at school . What shall I do ?

You need to start your own thread.

However they both need to get into mediation and to get proper legal advice. Then move forward asap. Living together is only going to turn toxic and your grandchild will see more toxic arguments. The solution your son proposes is daft and self centred. She can’t rely on anything other than child support as any other form of income will impact on her UC benefits. Plus he could stop paying at any time.

They have the option to divorce with a clean break. That means all assets are split, probably with a higher % in her favour because she is the resident parent with no job at the moment. But if she can’t afford accommodation, rental or otherwise, a mesher order could be awarded. This would defer the release of his equity share for a period of time which can be up to when the youngest is 18.

Your son should move out for the sake of his children or start the divorce process and get legal advice.