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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Should I split the children up for overnight stays with father?

12 replies

Wikiwoo82 · 21/02/2023 20:19

My partner and I split whilst I was pregnant with our third child. Prior to the baby being born, our 2 year old twins had been spending weekends and his house. Now we have a newborn, I'm breastfeeding so I'm not comfortable sending the newborn for overnights, but I'm wondering if I should still send the twins for overnights or not to split the children up. Has anyone else been in this situation, do I wait until the newborn is older and send all children together or is there no harm in sending the twins on their own without their other sibling?

OP posts:

ElfDragon · 21/02/2023 20:23

How amicable are things between you and your ex?

On the face of it, there is no reason that the twins should miss out on overnights with their dad, especially if they were previously happy to go and settled etc.

but, a new baby changes all kinds of things, and I could see that potentially the toddlers might be upset at the baby getting extra time with mum (especially 1:1, given they are twins), which could end up tricky to handle.

would it be possible to talk this through with your ex, and keep things fluid?

Coffeellama · 21/02/2023 20:26

Is your partner willing to let you stop overnights with the twins? I wouldn’t send the newborn for overnights but I don’t think I’d stop the twins going either, you could argue the twins will resent the new baby for getting one to one time, but you could also argue that they may be upset that there’s a new baby and now they aren’t allowed to stay at daddy’s.

ElfDragon · 21/02/2023 20:27

On the splitting front, I proposed a rolling schedule with my exH, which would have given each child 1:1 time with each parent every month (something which is sorely needed in our household, due to SN), but he refused it and insisted on a more traditional setup. It backfired - eldest goes sometimes, but has frequent periods where she refuses, middle dc stopped going at all within a year, and youngest also has times where he doesn’t want to go. Mine are all older, and so their views are taken into account a lot more.

Lavendersparkles22 · 21/02/2023 20:29

I was in a similar situation, and I still agreed for the older dc to go as they still wanted to. The baby is now a toddler and did overnights when I stopped breastfeeding. I imagine you could do with the break only dealing with one newborn instead of them plus toddler twins.

Clymene · 21/02/2023 20:31

With a newborn, I'd absolutely send the older kids to stay with their dad.

SpinningFloppa · 21/02/2023 21:07

Yes of course they should still go.

Emmamoo89 · 21/02/2023 21:12

Yes they should still go

Eastereggsboxedupready · 21/02/2023 21:18

I imagine most dm's of twins would snatch the hands off of the person offering to have to 2 toddlers overnight!

Original poster

Wikiwoo82 · 21/02/2023 21:57

Thank you. It wasn't a case of me trying to stop them going, I'm all for them spending time with their father. It was more a case of the effects, if any would it have on the children as I wouldn't want them to start getting jealous of any 1:1 time, with either the newborn with myself or the twins getting jealousy when the newborn starts to get involved with the overnight stays. Me and my ex partner are not amicable so myself staying overnight with the newborn wouldn't be ideal.

OP posts:

SpinningFloppa · 21/02/2023 22:21

They will be fine, what if they went to nursery or school you could say the same thing that they will be jealous of you home with the newborn but you wouldn’t just not send them. They are use to the set up I honestly think you are over thinking it.

Circe7 · 21/02/2023 23:40

I have a toddler and now 8 month old. The toddler doesn't stay over with his dad but only because his dad hasn't wanted him to. I would love to send him off to his dad for the occasional night. Things must be very intense with toddler twins and a newborn on your own.

My toddler is very jealous of the baby anyway perhaps more so because I'm a single parent and always splitting my attention between them. My toddler doesn't particularly like leaving to go to nursery knowing that the baby is home with me but I actually think he feels the jealousy more when we're all at home and he's seeing me change / bath / play with baby etc. It has got a bit better over time. I think the most useful thing for addressing jealousy would be if I could have some one on one time with the toddler, which is tricky other than when baby is napping.

In any case I wouldn't limit contact with their dad. I don't think that's a great message to send and, if they're jealous, they're going to need to work through that. They might benefit from some attention from their dad without the baby being there. I think you can explain why the baby is staying with you quite easily - "baby needs milk from mummy at night at the moment but when he's older he'll go to daddy's with you". My toddler quite likes the idea of the baby not being allowed to do some things yet because he's too little.

SheilaFentiman · 22/02/2023 08:30

Yes, the two year olds should still go. They should still get to see their dad and you need the break.

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