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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

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Original poster

Anyone end up getting on well?

24 replies

NCfortoday2021 · 16/02/2023 08:32

Asked for a divorce last night. Lots of v painful stuff in our relationship over the years but I don't begrudge him it as much as I did as I came to the realisation we would both be happier moving on and started to detach in my head a while ago. I have been thinking about divorce for quite some time so have done some grieving already although of course today I feel like I'm going to die.

I would really like for us eventually to end up being able to spend time together without hating each other or being miserable - I.e. being able to spend our children's birthday parties together. Has anyone managed to get to this stage where things are amicable even though you are not partners any more?

OP posts:

hiredandsqueak · 16/02/2023 08:58

Well exh and I spend time together for the kids' birthdays, Christmas and will be holidaying together in separate houses this year again. I wouldn't say I consider him a friend and I'd hate to live with him again but short bursts that benefit the dc I can cope with. He came for tea last night, he will walk my dog with his on Saturday, we will help each other out if needed. Probably better for the dc to have it amicable..

Original poster

NCfortoday2021 · 16/02/2023 10:09

Thanks @hiredandsqueak I'd like if it we could get to that. I just don't want to his partner anymore but I want us to get on well for the DC and in recognition of the place we did hold in one another's lives before it became untenable.

OP posts:

HamBone · 16/02/2023 10:17

Not me, but one of my friends has a very amicable relationship with her ex, whom I’m also friends with. They split up 10 years ago due to his paranoid behavior, but after he’d had some counseling/help, things improved a lot. They both have longterm partners and spend part of Christmas and even an annual holiday together with their children. My DD was invited along last year as their DD’s friend and she said that the two couples seemed like old friends.

Obviously their partners are a huge part of this as they must fully accept and even like everyone concerned. The parents also work together to put their children’s welfare first.

Good luck, OP. 💐

DiaryofWimpyMumm · 16/02/2023 10:19

I'm still friendly with my ex. He calls or texts daily just to let me know what he's doing.

We didn't speak when he was with his ex as she detested me but now they've split we are on friendly terms.

I hope it all goes okay OP

QueefQueen80s · 16/02/2023 10:30

Yeah we're best friends, it's great for the kids.

Beamur · 16/02/2023 10:34

DH.gets on well with his ex. They've both remarried and we're all fine with each other. We'll get together for meals out (kids are adults now) on birthdays but holidays would be a step too far.
They had an amicable split, sorted out finances and childcare without rancour and were decent at co-parenting.

HamBone · 16/02/2023 10:40

@Beamur Yes, I was abit taken aback when I realized that these friends went on family holidays together, it’s definitely unusual! It’s great when ex’s can get on well, glad to hear that it’s worked out for your DH.

Zola1 · 16/02/2023 10:42

My partner and his ex Co parent well. She hates him but tolerates him for birthdays and sometimes they take the child out together, he took them to the airport for their holiday etc, they go into each others houses for handover

hiredandsqueak · 16/02/2023 10:43

@Beamur holidays are more a necessity than a desire tbh. Two of the dc have ASD, we do a lot of divide and conquer, it’s difficult to divide if there’s only me. It works if we have separate homes and we both get time out for ourselves as well otherwise I’d have a holiday where I would be stuck mostly in the holiday house as one or the other would refuse to join in any plans.

TotallyLosttonight · 16/02/2023 10:46

I’m really glad you asked this OP. I want the same and so does my STBXH. It’s reassuring to know it can be done.

Warspite · 16/02/2023 10:49

Yes, after the anger & upset subsided, my ex and I had a friendship which was natural and easy enough. It helped that no 3rd parties were involved.
We chose not to divorce until 12 years had elapsed as we had all the childcare & finances sorted out and he honoured the arrangements.

He’s passed away now & whilst I don’t mourn or miss him and have moved on big time, I’m glad we were able to salvage something sensible for us both. It can be done if there is goodwill on both sides. I just wish more people could have the same.

IwasToldThereWouldBeCake · 16/02/2023 10:53

Yes, totally possible. We often have dinner together, go to family events together, hang out and have wine in each others houses occasionally, sometimes go to the rugby together, sometimes go to the kids sports together, and so far have gone to parent teacher meetings together.

Not a couple but you will be Co parents and know each other forever, think of the long game.

Beamur · 16/02/2023 11:05

hiredandsqueak · 16/02/2023 10:43

That is amazing. Hats off to you both! That's top level co-parenting.

millymollymoomoo · 16/02/2023 11:07

I think there’s a difference between friendly and friends
i have friends who have managed over to to stay friendly, can have a cup of coffee, attend joint things etc but are not friends as such

i think a lot depends on the divorce and financials - eg if one party takes the go nuclear, take them to the cleaners, I want to destroy you approach that can make recovering from the process much harder

if people are able to be rationale, compromising on financials and child arrangements etc then rebuilding bridges can happen

Enko · 16/02/2023 11:11

My parents got to a point where they could communicate together and celebrate their 3 children's mile stones. It took a few years.

My mum died 8 years ago but dad is still regularly driven home by stepdad if they have attended the same event. (My dad has remained close to my mother's family even though its over 40 years since they divorced)

For the last 20 years they have all celebrated Christmas at my sisters together.

Should here be commented that stepdad was "the other man" so one could have forgiven my dad from never wanting to talk with him. However he says stepdad is a nice guy. Stepdad says same about my dad. They have put it behind them.

BurntOutGirl · 16/02/2023 11:14

My XH left me for OW nearly 6 years ago.

During the actual divorce proceedings, it was nasty as he wanted everything his own way. He also expected everyone (DC, his parents, me, school etc) to accept the OW immediately and for her to have equal "status" as me. I had to put boundaries in place to insist upon EOW, school holiday care etc as l knew it would all fall on me otherwise.

Now, l feel we co-parent well. He is a good dad to the DC and we are flexible with arrangements for them. The OW is very nice and has made huge efforts with the DC, which l am very grateful for. I actually think it's her influence that has made him a better dad/person.

I actually have more contact with him now then when we were married.

He never offers to help me with stuff but lf l ask for help, he does - for example my mobile broke and he sourced a new one for me. His wife (their married now) helped me coose and purchase a bike as she is very into cycling.

We won't be "friends" in that we'd go to the pub etc, but l feel we are all comfortable in each others company.

Orangebadger · 16/02/2023 11:14

Not myself but one of my closest friends has a great relationship with her ex. Actually so much better than by the end of their relationship. It wasn't always like that, the first couple of years were hard, but they were never nasty to each other.

Good luck OP x

barbrahunter · 16/02/2023 11:15

I'm another who sort of gets on with Ex even though he is a tosser. I agree that it does take time and does depend on how the one being divorced feels and behaves.

Deedippy · 16/02/2023 11:26

10 years in here and definitely reached a place where its friendly but not friends. Hit a few bumps over the years and definitely took my ex a good few years to except my dp but these days I really think we are doing OK. certainly no meals out or family holidays but would never be an issue us all being at parents evening or a birthday etc. It all works well for dd which is the most important thing

Fentylipgloss · 16/02/2023 11:31

I got on with my ExH for 15+ years, really well, best friends - until he got a new partner and he blocked me completely from his life, meaning I can't contact him if there's an issue with our son.

uncertainalice · 16/02/2023 14:20

I'm divorced because my ex was abusive...so whilst I put on a civil front for the DC that's as much as I can manage for now. XH would like to reconcile and plays the "we can be friends" card all the time, but it's too soon for me...and hell will freeze over before I get back with him.

So I think I'll be able to tolerate him enough to spend time with him...at some point, but friendly...I just don't know. If this was "just" divorce then that's what I'd want, but with the EA thrown in, I just don't trust him any more.

Original poster

NCfortoday2021 · 16/02/2023 15:53

This is making me feel so much better. I hope we can work towards this - so much of the toxicity is actually because of us trying to force still being a couple when if we are honest we just don't feel that way towards one another anymore. Whereas we take shared delight in the children and I hope that can continue once we are no longer living a lie in other ways.

OP posts:

uncertainalice · 16/02/2023 16:30

that sounds perfectly doable @NCfortoday2021 - you need to let go of what was to be able to take on what could be...hope it all works out for you!

Louisetopaz21 · 16/02/2023 16:45

7 years separated and we get on for the sake of DD but would not say we are friends. We attend DD's party and my DH came which ex and him were amicable (met him well after our divorce). Ex GF would not come as she did not feel comfortable with me being there but I would have been friendly. DH ex is another kettle of fish, she calls me unsavoury names and tries to turn his adult children against him, a piece of work 🙄 🤔

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