Wait or do it now?

[Solunar]

Kids are 9 and 12. I'm staying in the marriage for them. There's no massive arguments but I don't love my husband any more. He's fairly controlling and sometimes his anger is hard to deal with. He doesn't really even know me after all this time.
But everything is so interlinked, I can't see a way out - friends, family, social life. Financially, divorce would be ok, we're both high earners and have enough assets to both start over.
Do I wait til the kids are older or do it sooner rather than later? All I want is my kids to be ok. I think I should wait til they are older but I don't know how much more I can take. I don't know what to do to for the best for my kids - does anyone with older kids who have divorced have any perspectives?

Do it now
it will never be the right time
older = GCSEs, a levels, etc
they’ll be fine if you can both co parent and remember at their ages they’ll want some flexibility re access to both parents, especially as they get into teenage years

So it now - kids know how unhappy you are - you can’t hide it.

Be free and the kids will thrive.

As a child of divorced parents I think the earlier the better. Certainly avoid leaving it until they have exams as my parents did!

@Solunar am in a similar position with two kids aged 7 & 10 but situation is slightly more complex.

After months of arguments in which the kids kept getting put in the middle by the OH, I just stopped interacting and this helped their situation but not mine.

What I can say is that:

1. Your kids will model their relationships after yours, if it's not healthy then they need to understand its not okay to stay

2. The kids will already know what's up, even if they don't vocalise it outright, they pick up the changed dynamic quickly

3. Make sure you've tried everything to make things work between you, to your own satisfaction as once you start down this path it will affect everyone

4. The later you leave it, the harder it becomes for the kids

As someone else already said, there will always be an event, an exam, an illness, there is no right time.

Finally make sure you think about how you want things to work around housing, shared parenting & finances before you start as you'll still need to interact and co-parent.

Hope it goes as you want it to!

Do it now.

You need to do it now and either model you being someone strong enough to leave a bad relationship or find someone new and model what a good loving relationship is. Don't waste your life either, you could be free of his temper and nastiness and living life to the full.

Thank you all for your perspectives. Genuinely torn.

Do it now. Especially if he's abusive. It's no life for you or your children. They will be seeing things they really shouldn't.