Ex controlling through DS

[sophmum31]

I am so angry and having a terrible time of dealing with my exH and so sick of him using my DS as a pawn in his game and feeling so worn down.

For context we separated almost 3 years ago, divorced just before Christmas. I am still in the family home whilst we wait for it to sell, ex has made an undertaking to the court after I was given a non molestation order due to his bullying in the FMH. He isn't allowed within 200m of the family home. Our DD16 is pretty much non contact with him because of the abuse she witnessed towards me and the way he has treated her.

Our DS12 does still see his dad and still wishes to "sometimes" to be honest, he isn't too bothered either way. ExH moved around 45 minutes away 18 months ago. In the undertaking he made to the court the agreement is that drop offs and pick ups are in a local supermarket car park to where I live. For some time now he has been forcing me to collect our son at a location closer to where he lives - an hour and a half round trip for me.

I have full care of both children, our DD has college and work, our DS school and I spend over 9 hours every week dropping and picking them up just from those commitments - not including any other appointments, or social events. I have recently told him that I will not do anymore lifts to his, he decided to move away and I have all of the commitments to them full time, I am exhausted, working full time, all of the driving for the kids plus constant cleaning for the viewings in the attempt to sell the FMH.

2 week ago when he had our DS, he took him and sat in the local car park to him for 40 minutes after I had repeatedly told him I wasn't collecting him. We ended up having to meet half way as my son was upset and I wanted him home, I have find my iphone so could see he had him in this car park in the freezing weather.

Today I had a work commitment which involved me passing close by his house so I agreed that I would collect on my way past. All agreed and confirmed on text. I text when i was leaving my work appointment and said i would be around an hour, to be told that they weren't there and that I would have to go back at 5.30 tonight to collect. I have obviously said I am not going back later as we had an agreement he has broken. I am so torn as it is so unfair on DS, he is a real home bird, wants to be here and seeing his friends (his dad refuses to drop him off at any point so he can see friends on his time). But my DM says if I keep giving in this is me for life until my son is old enough to drive! DS has refused to go for many of the scheduled weekends in the past and I know this will mean he refuses to go again but of course Ex blames me every single time.

At least you are completely aware of what he's doing.

I imagine your son will want to see even less of his dad after all of this and I would deal with this by telling your ex he needs to speak to your son about when he's next seeing him. Try to cut yourself out of the arrangements a bit so you aren't available to blame.

Perhaps your son could suggest day activities near where you live so he (your son) can stay more in control of his transport.

He’s not abiding with a court order? If this were my partner he’d be considering tasking his solicitor to send a letter.

I would keep a close record (screen shots of find my phone locations) all texts etc and go back to court. If he is refusing to adhere to the court ordered exchange location you are not at fault. How old is DS? It may not be long until he chooses not to go

Its not a court order for child access (we don't have one), but the court order for the undertaking - we had to agree where pick ups and drops off would be as he isn't allowed to the house now (although this runs out at the end of march, was hoping we would be moved by then but we won't be sadly).

DS has tried to suggest he comes here to see him (take him out in our town), this takes a week of me telling him our son doesn't want to go to his, him trying to force him and he still turns up and says he is taking him to his anyway! Poor DS is then stuck in the middle of an argument in a car park.

I could get my solicitor involved but I am reluctant to, I have already spent £45k on solicitors trying to get rid of the bastard and really don't want to spend anymore money that should be going to house my children!

DS is 12, very mature but was somewhat shielded from the worst behaviour before the undertaking. I guess he now has to learn what he is like, same as DD has had to.

Do I go and collect tonight to have him home?! Or do I stand my ground?!

Stand your ground.

if you don’t where is the end. So the location is ordered? So he is breaking that and though you don’t want to I would contact a solicitor.

in regards to your son I think you have to let him see how bad his dad is and make him aware he has done nothing wrong but you will be sticking to the location only (law abiding) and that dad is wrong not to. Your son will sadly have to suffer the consequences but you could raise this with school and SS to make them aware of how he is being treated by dad

This sounds like coercive control to me. What a horrible man. Your DS would be better off never seeing him rather than being used by the vile ex to exert control over you. If you can't put a stop to it now - I know it's very hard to stand up to a bully, plus potentially unsafe for you - you can at least be confident that DS will do what your DD did and go NC as soon as he is old enough to see through him. Good luck, and document everything in the meantime, you might need the evidence later.