Separation; he wants it to be trial, I want it to be final

[2023Divorce]

VERY long story short; husband was very stressed, he took it out on me, and this went on for years. I stayed when I should have left. Now he's said he's leaving me. He's moved out temporarily "for some space". He was very emotional before he went and I'm 99% sure he's regretting his decision. But for me, I just want to move forwards now, because finally I'm ... liberated.

I guess I just need to talk to someone - we haven't told anyone about this yet because he thinks it's temporary and I feel like I owe it to him to match his speed.

So. If anyone is in this situation, or remembers this feeling, I'd love to have someone to talk to!

I don't have any experience of this situation, @2023Divorce, but didn't want to leave this unanswered. I think you have a very brave attitude, and you are right to listen to your feelings. I wish you every happiness in the future - whatever that future looks like.

You don't have to match his speed at all. You can simply say you've realised that actually you don't want it to be a trial and you will make moves for it to be final. Is he likely to move back in if you tell him that?

I’d make it permanent. Actually splitting is very hard and you’ve done it. Why have him back and either have to go through it all again or stick with someone you don’t want to be with?

You don't need to match his speed at all. You do you.

Take control of your situation and be very very firm with him.

I did this not long ago @2023Divorce I insisted on a temporary separation but the minute he was out the door I knew it had to be permanent.

I'd give him - and you - a little while to let the reality sink in, and then when you're ready tell him that you know what you want, and it isn't him.

When I realised I was done with our marriage, it was like the sun coming out in a dark sky, I felt lighter and more free than I had done in years.

However sure you are, you will need time to process this, it is a huge undertaking, practically and emotionally, so don't feel you have to match anyone's pace...you go forward at your pace.

I have to say, things slightly different here for us bit I am off the opinion that once we have made the decision to separate and he moves out, there is no going back for us and it's final. I can't go through all this heartbreak for us to get back together one day. Nope, once we've moved out we're done.

I think the facts he's gone, and you're feeling good with the decision and your circumstances then you go at your pace. He's moved out, he's made the decision and that is one he has to be accountable.

Sending virtual love and support x

You want a final separation because of his previous behaviour.
He wants a temporary separation because you previously put up with his behaviour.

What if 'his speed' is to have a secret separation that goes on for months? I would set yourself a deadline after which you will tell him you've used the separation to think things through and you are ending the marriage. I can understand why you don't want to do that 2 seconds after he's out the door, but I wouldn't let this linger too long. And also consider what you'll do if next week he's decided that's long enough and he's ending the separation - he doesn't seem to have considered you very much in this so far, he decided he was leaving you, this is all about him (in his mind).

Good for you OP.

You don't need to match his speed. He made you miserable. He chose to leave. You've realised you're better off without him!

Don't string him along if you've made up your mind. Just tell him you think it's for the best and the separation is going to be permanent.

He doesn't get ti dictate the the time line of your breakup. He doesn't get to dictate anything now- you're free!

@2023Divorce the biggest step was the one that's been made, as has already been said, let your emotions and feelings guide you, if you feel good with this move and so do after a few weeks, go with your gut - good luck!