Follow on thread.... anyone finding their feet after marriage.

[butterflyandbees]

HI

I think the above thread has dried up but I really need some support as my husband is leaving me tomorrow. I have had 3 months of this hanging over me and I have become extremely anxious, panicky and scared. I didn't realise how emotionally and financially dependent I had become on him. When we met I had my own house/career and savings. He moved in with me and wanted to start his own business, I supported him while he built this up. Once he was running the business successfully, I gave up my career to work with him and gradually relied on him more.

Now I see how useless I am without him, I am scared of doing day to day stuff like sorting out sky tv or even remembering to put the bins out on time. I have just become pathetic and am not coping. As I mentioned in the other thread I have no family and I don't want to wear out my friendships. I don't know what to do, I love my house which I am keeping as he has taken our business in lieu of his share of the house. I am scared to be here alone, I am listening to him packing up to go, arranging his new life without me.

I have been to the doctors and they gave me diazepam and upped my citalopram, I also had first counselling session, but nothing is helping at all. I need to work but don't have any energy left. I gag if I try to eat but am drinking water. If anyone understands how overwhelmed I am can they please tell me how they managed because I don't know what to do anymore.

Hey OP,

Listen, I know the feeling well. I remember hearing my ex packing up to leave, and I didn’t have three months to prepare. My ex literally said I’m leaving….and left. That was 6 months ago.

I won’t lie, the first few weeks were absolute hell, I was on a different planet, I didn’t eat, sleep, basically was on autopilot. But I swear, slowly as the weeks when on, I started getting used to my own company, I started to get used to my own little routine, my appetite came back and before I knew it I was through the worst.

It’s terrifying and I know how you must be feeling but please let me assure you that you will get through this. Think of this as the next stage of YOUR life.

Thank you so much for that message, it really helps to know you have come out of such a dark place and feel good about your life now. I want to build routine but the zero hours work I do, make everything difficult to organise or make plans in case I am given work the next day. I keep thinking if I can just find the right words to say, he will change his mind, but all it does is make him angry and hostile.

Dont look at your zero hours work as being out of a routine. Because that is your routine for the time being.
Start organising time with your friends, have them round for some wine or out for some drinks if possible.
Try to get out for walks when you have some free time, I found listening to podcasts really helped. Between you and I, I started to listen to My Dad Made A Porno and haven’t laughed so much in a long time, that was when I knew I was starting to feel better.

There is nothing left to say to your ex, let him go and keep your head held high. Keep coming back here if it makes you feel better.

I remember that feeling - I had never lived on my own and was scared of that, scared of sleeping on my own, scared that at the age of 35 I had never changed a lightbulb, or painted a wall, the list went on and on. It took a couple of weeks to find the routine , to learn how to do things (YouTube, Instagram, Google are your friends here!). To look on Facebook for a local odd job man who was pretty cheap and I could call on to fit blinds for me, fix my shower etc. If I can do it, you absolutely can. You are NOT pathetic, it will take a little bit of adjustment but you absolutely can do this, and the sense of achievement when you realise you can, it’s really something. It will get easier, I promise you xx

I would also add that when my husband left it was incredibly sudden and under incredibly stressful circumstances - I didn’t eat for 3 solid days and lost 2 stone in about a month. If you can manage a cup of tea with sugar here and there that will help, or even some fizzy pop, the sugar will help and in time your appetite will come back. Your medication will kick in, you will sleep and eat better and things will seem so much better and clearer when those things are back in place xx

Thank you so much, he is packing up at this very moment, laughing with his friend while I am falling apart, it is how callous and cold he is that shocks me to my core. He was always the kindest person and I still don't have any real closure other than some clichés " I want to be alone, I'm doing this for me, I want to be selfish for a change, this isn't about you its for me" He has told me he doesn't love me, but was constantly telling me he loved me and how I was the only person he could talk to. I can't remember all the things he said, some cruel some kind, so I am left blaming myself for all this mess.

Don’t blame yourself, I did a whole lot of blaming myself and it ate me up. Counselling and lots of it made me realise my ex was as much to blame as I was. That’s why I hate people on here so defiantly saying their exes are all to blame and blah blah blah. We all contribute to issues in our relationships/marriages.

Don’t take the cold way he is being to heart if you can. I know easier said than done. But it’s a defence mechanism, he is doing it to try and take the emotion out of what he is doing.

I assume he has now left as your last message was this morning. I hope you are doing okay. My recommendation for tonight, get a bottle of wine or your favourite drink, put on some sad music, cry, sing your heart out and just walk about your house, get used to the empty rooms and try and imagine what you can do to make the house YOUR home. That’s what I did a few nights after my ex left and it honestly did make me feel better getting a lot of crying out. And thinking about my own future.

Listen I’m here if you want a chat, Pm if you are struggling at any point, I’m happy to chat.

Sending a big motherly hug and can endorse every word of support this thread can offer.
It will get better. It really will. Give yourself time and try to keep busy. Get out doors as much as you can and keep in touch with your mates. One day you'll suddenly realise you haven't given him a thought so you must be recovering. The world is your oyster & warmer days are coming. Chin up. Good luck OP.

@butterflyandbees you and I speak online and off and I know that you have the strength in you to get through this. You really do.

I love @Pleasecreateausername13 advice. You must be kind to yourself. Talk to yourself like you would your best friend. What would they advise you? They’d give you a big cuddle and buy you flowers, and check up on yourself. Do all those things yourself - look after you.

Big un-MN hugs x

Thank you everyone, for your wonderful words, great advice and support. He has gone now, 2 rooms are empty and the house feels strangely cold. His last words to me were "don't you dare go out, you need to stay here and look after the cats" I did go out, I badly needed support that night. I was not a perfect stepford wife by any means, I have had a lot of anxiety in my life. I just would have liked to have had a conversation whereby he talked to me about anything he was unhappy with and we could have worked to resolve it. Sadly by the time he told me he wanted out of the marriage he was already buying his new house and I hadn't had a clue that he no longer loved me.

He sounds like a horrible person OP, telling you not to go out…..er, newsflash dickhead - OP can do exactly what she wants!! You will be fine. I know it’s a real shock and something that you feel like you have no idea how to navigate, but you will work it out. Keep posting on here, read other posts for advice and stay strong xx