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Divorce/separation

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Original poster

Frequency of phone calls to non resident parent

36 replies

NeedSleepNow · 14/02/2023 00:45

Ex and I have been separated over a year, the kids live with me (ages 13, 10, 6) and see him once midweek and every ofter weekend. He wants to ring them every night at whatever time he decides and gets angry if I don't answer the phone, he keeps ringing and ringing until I do answer or I get abusive texts. It was discussed at mediation and agreed that midweek there will be 2 videocalls, then he will see the children one night, so two nights without either seeing them or having a video call. He then has them to stay every other weekend and gets a videocall on the weekend they are with me.

The other weekend he rang 8 times within 25 minutes on my phone, and 5 times on our son's phone. We were busy at the time so couldn't answer and when I checked my phone I saw all these missed calls as well as abusive texts. I explained why we had not heard the phone to answer but I just got the reply of 'I assumed you were just ignoring me so thought I'd keep ringing and ringing' . This was before 9am on a Saturday morning and the time of the call that day had not been agreed. He is now angry about it again and saying he does not want his telephone contact with them regulated by me so will be buying them a mobile so that he can ring them whenever he wants to. Surely this isn't reasonable, am I really to be expected to let them speak to him whenever he calls, regardless of what they are doing? It's just not practical or convenient if they are having dinner, rushing off to an after school club, doing homework, getting ready for bedtime etc. I have always said that they can ring him anytime they want to talk to him but for him to demand to speak to them whenever he wants to seems like a real invasion of my time with them and their routine, and just another way that he is trying to regain control over our lives.

Am I being unreasonable by not letting him call anytime he wants, or is 2 videocalls a week reasonable plus a midweek visit & every other weekend with them? I just feel like he will always be in control (his control was one of the many reasons I ended our relationship) and there is no end in sight to all this animosity.

OP posts:
SpinningFloppa · 14/02/2023 00:47

Can’t they have their own phones? 13 year old and 10 year old definitely can? Takes you out of it

Hadalifeonce · 14/02/2023 00:53

Let him get them 'phones, but switch them off during mealtimes or if you are doing something.

urrrgh46 · 14/02/2023 00:56

i think Yabu why should you be controlling his relationship with his children (unless there's a massive back story of abuse by him towards the kids). The kids should be allowed and able to talk to their Dad whenever they want to and he them.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 14/02/2023 00:59

SpinningFloppa · 14/02/2023 00:47

Can’t they have their own phones? 13 year old and 10 year old definitely can? Takes you out of it

They oldest does have a phone but rarely answers it, he can't remember where he had left it half of the time! He won't ever ring his Dad back if he sees a missed call, their relationship is pretty bad as there has been history of emotional abuse and DS rarely wants to talk to him and hates staying with him at the weekend.

OP posts:
MillicentTrilbyHiggins · 14/02/2023 00:59

He should be able to call them whenever he wants, and they him. But with the understanding that if someone is busy they will call back later.

That's what I do with my parents, and I'm a grown up.

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 14/02/2023 01:02

Hadalifeonce · 14/02/2023 00:53

Let him get them 'phones, but switch them off during mealtimes or if you are doing something.

This is the thing, even if I tell him they are about to eat dinner and will call him back straight after I get abusive messages from him. He would expect the phone never to be off.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 14/02/2023 01:03

urrrgh46 · 14/02/2023 00:56

i think Yabu why should you be controlling his relationship with his children (unless there's a massive back story of abuse by him towards the kids). The kids should be allowed and able to talk to their Dad whenever they want to and he them.

He has been emotionally abuse towards them and his relationship with the oldest is pretty awful because of it, it is better with the younger two.

OP posts:
Fraaahnces · 14/02/2023 01:06

This is abusive, controlling behaviour. Let him keep doing this. Keep all abusive texts and emails as evidence.
Send him a message that from now on he is not to contact you outside of the times agreed to in mediation because you find his behaviour aggressive, controlling and intrusive. If he wishes to contact you outside of the times he can do so at xxxxxxxxx.co.uk (a new email address you have set up specifically for contact only about your child.) You can choose to read these or not. (I suggest not, but keep for lawyer.)
If you can afford a shitty burner phone, get a new SIM card and a new phone number and tell everyone except him and his family. Swap the SIM cards and keep the shitty phone.

Set up your good phone on video and get ready to start recording you answering the call prior to the agreed call time.
When he rings say “Before you say anything, I need to advise you that I am recording this phonecall. Do you wish to continue?” If he does… great. If not… great.
If he becomes verbally abusive, give him one warning. “You are being verbally abusive. (Or stop swearing at me/whatever) Stop now. If this happens again, I will hang up.”
FOLLOW THROUGH ON THE THREAT
If he is being manipulative with your child/attempting to play you off against him, you say “Do not attempt to manipulate our child in an attempt to alienate me. If this happens again, I will hang up.”
Follow through!
Take notes (diarise!)

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 14/02/2023 01:12

Fraaahnces · 14/02/2023 01:06

This is abusive, controlling behaviour. Let him keep doing this. Keep all abusive texts and emails as evidence.
Send him a message that from now on he is not to contact you outside of the times agreed to in mediation because you find his behaviour aggressive, controlling and intrusive. If he wishes to contact you outside of the times he can do so at xxxxxxxxx.co.uk (a new email address you have set up specifically for contact only about your child.) You can choose to read these or not. (I suggest not, but keep for lawyer.)
If you can afford a shitty burner phone, get a new SIM card and a new phone number and tell everyone except him and his family. Swap the SIM cards and keep the shitty phone.

Set up your good phone on video and get ready to start recording you answering the call prior to the agreed call time.
When he rings say “Before you say anything, I need to advise you that I am recording this phonecall. Do you wish to continue?” If he does… great. If not… great.
If he becomes verbally abusive, give him one warning. “You are being verbally abusive. (Or stop swearing at me/whatever) Stop now. If this happens again, I will hang up.”
FOLLOW THROUGH ON THE THREAT
If he is being manipulative with your child/attempting to play you off against him, you say “Do not attempt to manipulate our child in an attempt to alienate me. If this happens again, I will hang up.”
Follow through!
Take notes (diarise!)

That is my feeling that it is just further abusive and controlling behaviour. I want him to have a relationship with his children but he can't expect us all to stop whatever we are doing immediately so that he can talk to the children the very first time he calls. Often we answer straightaway, often they call him but that is not everything.

Life is busy and people can't always answer the phone immediately but he hates being told no - he has told me many a time before when I have not answered the phone straightaway, even way before we separated, that he will not be ignored and he will keep ringing and ringing until I answer.

OP posts:
MintJulia · 14/02/2023 01:43

@Fraaahnces is right. Ringing constantly like that is abusive and controlling. He's absurd.

My ex tried the same during covid when he was bored. So he bought ds13 a phone so I couldn't 'control ds' calls'. When ds left that phone off, uncharged, under his bed, ex would ring mine.

Then I'd pass ds my phone, but ex & ds had nothing to talk about, ds was in middle of playing Minecraft and ex resorted to reading him the cricket results down the phone. Two days in, ds refused to take ex's call, and it was my fault again. 🙄

In the end I just blocked his number for 22 hours a day and unplugged the house phone.

BritInAus · 14/02/2023 02:48

I've been here - really feel for you. Suggest you are very brief in your communication. Read up on 'grey rock' if you haven't already. I suggest very simple replies such as 'kids are available between 7-7:30pm tonight if you'd like to call, please do so then. If he doesn't call between those times, don't pick up. And totally ignore his texts. It's hard I know. But don't fuel the fire.

Best to have set times (whether daily, or on the times set in mediation) and stick to those. Then you can totally ignore otherwise.

cpphelp · 14/02/2023 03:29

" 2 videocalls a week plus a midweek visit & every other weekend with them"

Would you want just that?

Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 14/02/2023 03:29

I have recently had to unplug the house phone too.

I have the same problem, they never have much to talk about when he rings, then he gets cross that they aren't chatty enough with him.

OP posts:
Original poster
NeedSleepNow · 14/02/2023 03:33

cpphelp · 14/02/2023 03:29

" 2 videocalls a week plus a midweek visit & every other weekend with them"

Would you want just that?

No I wouldn't be, but the difference is that I have been the primary caregiver whilst he has sat in the sofa playing very little part in their lives other than shouting at them, not really enjoying their company.

It feels as though the constant calls are for his benefit not for the children's as 9 times out of 10 they don't want to talk to him.

OP posts:
noodles44 · 14/02/2023 07:17

This is abusive behaviour and incredibly controlling. My ex was similar soon after we split up and I often had multiple calls in minutes plus horrible texts, more aimed at me for having the audacity to leave, querying if another man etc etc (there wasn’t, I left because his behaviour was horrible)
He also had alcohol issues and I ended up reaching a point where I switched my phone to silent/off and did not respond after a certain point in the evening.
I ended up doing some counselling to get myself some coping strategies to deal with him as I got really stressed and felt it was his way of continuing to affect me after splitting up.
The grey rock technique is good and I found it works, plus the suggestion for a second phone up thread too. My ex was not that worried about speaking to the children, it was more to have an interaction with me. Once he found himself a girlfriend, he was much less worried about what I was up to and his contact with the children has been pretty lacklustre since then…
Good luck

Drywhitefruitycidergin · 14/02/2023 08:26

I think 2x per week and 3x when they are not staying with him is fine. Fixed times where possible to manage expectations on both sides.

The children should have the option to call him whenever they want to outside of these times if they have news for him.

harriethoyle · 14/02/2023 08:30

There's no reason he shouldn't speak to his children every day. Absolutely have set times but you're being incredibly restrictive. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

liveforsummer · 14/02/2023 08:37

You'll get people saying YABU as they have no idea how inconvenient and intrusive constant calls from an abusive ex can actually be to everyone's lives. Having to fit meal times and days out around it - the dc start to get kissed off pretty quickly. My ex also had not to actually talk about so he'd get dd to do her reading. Note - doing school reading via phone with a dyslexic child - especially when you have zero concept of phonics is NOT helpful. Dc would be made to feel so guilty if they couldn't make it. I'd arrange a window rather than an exact time and not discuss it outside of mediation have an email address or designated app for any contact between the 2 of you and a separate phone or just unblock him between the time window. Obviously he can still call ds but that's something that unfortunately he's going to have to learn to deal with as in my case the guilt tripping will only ramp up as he becomes older and tried to be more independent/do his own thing more

liveforsummer · 14/02/2023 08:37

harriethoyle · 14/02/2023 08:30

There's no reason he shouldn't speak to his children every day. Absolutely have set times but you're being incredibly restrictive. How would you feel if the shoe was on the other foot?

If he was reasonable, flexible and non abusive this would absolutely be possible

user1471553350 · 14/02/2023 08:38

My youngest lives predominantly with his Dad, because I had to move away when we split as I financially could not stay in London. my son was / is incredibly happy at his school, and for no other reason. I have him 40% of the time despite the distance we live apart. My son is the most important thing to me and despite my heartbreak I could not argue and wrangle over him as one parent had to do the right thing for him. It is INCREDIBLY hard for me. I speak to him every single day,around 6pm without fail. If my ex obstructed this I would feel very angry.

Ameadowwalk · 14/02/2023 08:45

cpphelp · 14/02/2023 03:29

" 2 videocalls a week plus a midweek visit & every other weekend with them"

Would you want just that?

Oh, give over. If this was about the children, he would take into account what worked for them. Calling incessantly when you don’t get a response and sending abusive messages is unacceptable behaviour.

Hadalifeonce · 14/02/2023 08:48

In your shoes, I would let him get them 'phones, bock him on yours, and advise him via email that you are fully supportive of a relationship with the DC, but obviously, sometimes they will be unable to answer the 'phone, and you will ensure they call him back as soon as they can.

I think that is totally reasonable, and on record.

Hadalifeonce · 14/02/2023 08:49

*block

liveforsummer · 14/02/2023 09:08

user1471553350 · 14/02/2023 08:38

My youngest lives predominantly with his Dad, because I had to move away when we split as I financially could not stay in London. my son was / is incredibly happy at his school, and for no other reason. I have him 40% of the time despite the distance we live apart. My son is the most important thing to me and despite my heartbreak I could not argue and wrangle over him as one parent had to do the right thing for him. It is INCREDIBLY hard for me. I speak to him every single day,around 6pm without fail. If my ex obstructed this I would feel very angry.

Doesn't sound the same. What if he had a pet from 5-7. Would you expends him to miss that or stop to come and take the call. Would you bombard with calls and send abusive messages to your child and their parent if no one answered immediately or explained they were busy at the moment?

user1471553350 · 14/02/2023 10:06

No, live for summer , I wouldn't, but I have often heard parents with residency complaining about "interruption" calls , "calls at teatime, calls at bath time,calls when....etc etc" and I think, I live for my teatime call with my son,... Anyway, v hard to judge situation when only one side, and no excuse for abusive calls/texts. best way forward is an agreed timetable which accounts for activities, etc.
I do see things from all sides, but am horribly aware of how the non main residency parent is generally viewed, and I have experienced similar comments , I'm unusual, I'm the mum, it's generally the dad who doesn't get to stay in the home/have main parental role, and I'm keenly aware of all the wrong assumptions people make about this stuff.