Separation

[curlywurlylover666]

There is no point to this post, but any positive and constructive support would be welcome.

Some days I feel strong, like I can take on the world, others I have a wobble and think I can't do this alone.

I am in the process of separating - we have 2 young children almost 5 and 3. I know my husband will continue to be a great Dad - there for them whenever and he wants to be as friendly and amicable as we can possibly be. Me, I am not so sure but I shall try my best. We are still living in our family home together.

I am mourning the loss of our family life, being recognised as a family unit and a married couple, and if I am honest I feel a personal shame and a massive sense of failure that we have failed in our marriage, failed our children. I took our marriage vows seriously so to be separating feels wrong but there is nothing left for us anymore - our communication has broken down so that it is non existent. There is no way back for us.

I am trying to make changes in my life, I have started to make time for me to exercise twice a week, got a new role in work, started reading more, trying to make time for friends (when I don't have the girls) and plan to start on doing some home DIY bits in the next few weeks. All, I feel are positive steps trying to invest in me and make new routines for me and my babies.

The worse feeling I have is that I will now have to share my babies - 50/50. I cannot realistically stop this - he is a good Dad and I won't stand in the way of them having a relationship but I feel like I am missing out on a whole host of goodness with them - especially as they are at the most beautiful age right now. How do I cope with losing them part time - not tucking them in at bedtime, no morning cuddles, the house being empty, quiet lonely dinners for 1?

Any help, tips, support would be welcome - how do I overcome these feelings/worries?

You continue to do all the things you’ve said
take up a hobby, learn a new skill, invest in you, keep busy, relax, and take pride in knowing you’re supporting your children have a strong relationship with their dad and grow up to be independent, resilient, strong, loved people

and I’m sure he feels the same way

give it time and do y give yourself a hard time

It is early days yet but you can gradually build a routine... the time the kids are with you and the time you have for you... be kind to yourself... you can do this.
Your kids are better with two secure settled parents who live apart than in a miserable house with adults who hate each other.

Thank you for your kind words. It's so hard, such a rollercoaster ride I am on at the minute.

Like today I did something fun with the kids and it made me sad that we won't do that as a family unit any more. He is missing from pictures as I will be and from memories they make with him, I won't be part of them. That's tough x

I know you're right, we don't hate each other just have got lost along the way and now drifted too far apart it's impossible to change the course.

I am trying to carve out new routines, new things for me and change for the better. I just hope I can wrap my head round sharing the kids as my instinct is to refuse shared custody but obviously that would be wrong on so many levels and selfish on my part. It's tough as I never had children thinking they would suffer a broken home and shuffling from one house to another. I know that's an old fashioned way to look at things but I am a traditional kind of girl at heart.

And as a traditional kind of girl you see family life as a couple with 2.4 kids living in a semi. That is far from the 'norm' these days and as long as you both keep things civilised and lighthanded whatever you make your 'norm' between you will quickly be accepted by your children.
Keep adult conversations out of their presence, let them feel secure about the new arrangements and they will be fine.
Stay positive, for yourself and the kids...these are markers for the relationships they make all their lives..
Life gets complicated, but you can both teach by example and they will be strong and resilient going forward.

You are right, today there is
no normal family, boundaries have changed and I absolutely accept that - I'm just struggling to apply it to my own homelife.

I look at all my social circle and I have 1 friend who has separated and divorced, so my world is very much aligned with how I view my own family wants. It makes it tough to reconcile in my mind.

You've given me some great points and even since starting this thread, you've all made me consider my own actions and I have been a bit kinder and a bit more open with my communication at home for the sake of the children.

Thank you for the encouragement I genuinely mean they amhavr made a difference.