I don’t know how to begin. I’m a dad. DP is a mom, and our lil’ one is almost 2 yrs old. I want to be respectful to her, despite the volumes of insanity I’ve put up with. She’s a wonderful and smart person with a troubled past (abuse) that has reared its ugly head since the day after my daughter was born. Initially I thought it was PPD. But it’s been too long for that, I’ve been told. She would sob at night and I would try to comfort her only to be pushed away. If I asked, I was told I couldn’t be talked to. Then it became “I don’t trust you”. Then certain accusations were made at me that made no sense whatsoever. She accused me of not letting her shower. I never stopped her from showering, obviously. I would then ask her if she would like to shower but then I was told not to tell her when to shower. So I dropped the subject completely. She’s a mess, our house is a mess, I can only do so much after work, after cooking and cleaning. I’ve turned to drinking myself, more than I would consider healthy. The sobbing stopped but the accusations became more unrealistic and fierce. Our engagement broke off, she gave me back the ring. Always walking on egg shells to the point where nothing gets done around the house. I mentioned I was worried about our daughters development, since talking with her about anything sensitive is nothing more than a provocation for her to start screaming at me. I’ve made mistakes, I’m not perfect, but I’m not a controlling manipulative asshole as she would like to see me. This our first child and I bought a house that we moved into when she was pregnant but she has no friends or family here, now I’m trying to move back to her hometown (where I’ve gotten a job set up) so she can have the support that she won’t let me give her, and now that we’re moving, things have become catastrophically worse- eggshells all around, days keep passing and nothing gets done. I never would have bought this house had I known how detrimental it was by being so far away from her hometown. It seemed like a good idea in my pre-dad mind. It got us out of another toxic situation in a town where we were unable to find another home.
I can’t ask her questions. I can’t communicate with her on the smallest matters. She accuses me of not letting her see people or go outside or see doctors, all of which is not true. If I explain myself then it seems like it makes things worse somehow, or gets used against me, or I’ll be “interrupting” her, and she often explodes and screams at me. She’s began shit talking me to our little girl. She charged me the other night screaming “LOOK AT WHAT YOURE DOING TO OUR DAUGHTER” while holding out baby and using her as a battery ram into me (she internalized what I had told her about my concerns for my baby’s emotional/psychological development, and turned it on me). She slowed down as she approached me, so that the contact was not so forceful as to be dangerous to our daughter, but my baby’s face was blank and frightened, as was I. She then took our baby upstairs who was obviously crying now, and said “your daddy’s an asshole” as I slept with one eye open on the couch.
If I tell her that I’m going to do something around the house, I’m either being controlling, or micromanaging, or escaping from her and baby. Nothing is packed, as this move was supposed to be beneficial for her. She had expressed much interest in going back, and has been excited by the prospect but I’m wondering now if she really wants to or is just upset by having to pack- we’ve moved a lot in the past two years and it’s very stressful for her. She doesn’t see how much I care, probably because I am completely exhausted by her toxicity, and I see that she hates me in her eyes, words, and gestures. Sex hasn’t happened in months. I’ve been sleeping in a different room since her last crazy accusation, where of course I’m guilty of being a manipulative person. I don’t want to take my daughter away from her, as that would be devastating for both baby and mom, and I’m terrified of the repercussions. I need a solution that’s going to help her, I don’t care if I’m the one that loses. I want my girls to have a life that isn’t broken. I want to add that I’m currently not working, because of this transition of moving, and when I start work, it’s a very demanding job that has me away from home for days before I come back. We were planning on moving into her parents house- that gave me comfort, I still think that’s a good plan but I don’t know if I can even get us there now and anyways, I just really need some advice and others thoughts. I have no experience to borrow from on this, past relationships if toxic, I would leave. But now I have a kid, which is also a new experience. I’ve sacrificed so much for her. I’m geographically close to my family, which initially was supposed to be comforting to her (huge mistake, that I openly take blame for), as she hates them and this has estranged me from my folks. Sorry for the lack of organization here but I’m completely spent. My kid is now going to be with her at 2am and waking up well past noon everyday. Despite many red flags, I have to assure you folks that I honestly think she’s a good mom with my baby, there is love and a bond there that is more powerful than anything I’ve seen. I just want to help them.