I’m a mother of three children who live with me so it should be that as their mother I agree times to the children can see their Dad and stick to a court order that is in place.
The problem is my parents interfere. My husband and I had a long distance relationship (I was naïve and young) after quite a few years of marriage and living apart without him making any plans to either move here or help me to set up a life there I filed divorce.
He was also very disinterested in the children, never spoke to them in native tongue, always on the phone instead of playing with them whenever he was with them, never lifted a finger round the house, never planned activities, never helped with decisions on their education – he is basically a big man child. He didn’t see us for 7 months and missed all their birthdays not because he was busy working but because he went on three motorbike holidays overseas instead of coming to the UK. Marriage just wasn’t as I expected. I put in so much effort to try and make it work, sacrificed loads of opportunities for myself
and I was miserable. Ex’s family is well-off so we had a house here that was big enough for my parents to live with me too. I wanted a quick split and sale of the house for closure. He, however, wouldn’t agree to sell. He bought me out but instead of returning to their home, my parents stayed there, rent free to look after it. They couldn’t bear to see it go to ruin and their attitude was, “if he’s going to pay someone to do it, he might as well pay me.”
He made me go to court to get a court order for when he can see the children but comes over whenever he likes and never tried to stick to it.
It’s to see them in some of the school holidays and at weekends when he and I can agree. His visits haven’t been regular and he couldn’t come during the lockdowns. When he comes it causes nothing but conflict between my parents and I. He isn’t really making any plans I can agree to so I can’t agree to let him see them, the kids don’t want to see him but my parents let him see him when they have the children. They make my kids see him. They arrange day trips, meals, get food in, so he can have time with the kids. They make my children feel sorry for him by saying, “ he’s come all this way and he deserves to be happy”. I think it’s more because my mum and dad are dependent on him as they live in that house.
My ex is not a good dad - He’s completely feckless! A poor role model for my children. Why do all those days out for him and make him look good when he’s totally unreliable.
When I say no to him seeing the kids (because he hasn’t actually sent any plans with dates, times etc or the ids don’t want to see him) my family kick off saying “but he's their Dad”. All I say is I’m sticking to the court order and advice of family support worker and my solicitor. Family said they don’t care what that f* solicitor and family support worker say and I don’t need a court order. They describe looking after my Ex as doing a favour for me and say they suffer from my divorce. I row with my mum over this every time Ex leaves. I fell out with my mum and didn’t speak to her from Nov 21-March 22 because she was so nasty.
I threw her an olive branch but then also discovered I had cancer (probably partly due to the stress) so needed support to have treatment in the summer and surgery in September.
Ex came just as I was about to start chemo and radiotherapy in summer last year. My whole family mum, dad, kids, brother and his family were all going for meals and days out during this time even when
when I didn’t agree to contact. I phoned Samaritans at 2am on the day I was having my chemo pre treatment assessment. I felt so s**t like I didn’t want to survive it and I’d been so positive about it before that.
Family didn’t care about my feelings. Told me to stop feeling sorry for myself.
Ex went back. I got through treatment and surgery. Treatment was curative pathway and very successful – clear nodes so outlook for survival is really optimistic. I’m just trying to get back on my feet. Then last November, EX’s mum, who hasn’t seen the kids for 3 years and who doesn’t speak English (can communicate through translation apps) and hasn’t Facetimed or called them since before the pandemic came over to the UK unannounced and uninvited demanding to see the kids. The kids told me they didn’t want to see her.
I told my family that the kids didn’t want to see this grandmother and they ganged up on me. “But she’s their grandma” and I explained they don’t want to see her. The bond isn’t there and it’s not my responsibility to make it all I want to do is support my children and let them grow up happy.
If they change their minds and want a relationship with these people that’s their decision when they’re older. I bowed to pressure. I wanted to have a nice Christmas after last year when I fell out with mum and having had the cancer and the surgery. I didn’t want the fallout again so I sent my kids to their house in London (kids had been before about 4 years ago).
They were safe and the family are good people.
The children hated it and hate me for sending them. My kids have been so upset after this and really miserable. They are 12,10 and 8. It’s really kicked off some challenging behaviour. I had to get the family support worker at school involved again because the youngest refuses to go to school and I have huge stand offs with her.
When I told my mum of the latest impact of Ex’s family visit on the kids, she refused to believe me. She said it’s my fault for their behaviour. I asked her to listen to the kids that they don’t want to see their Dad and that if he come to ive here it will be a huge change for them and unsettle them. Mum went mental and defense mode changed topic to attack my partner. She had a go at my partner of 5 years, who is a good role model. We don’t call him step dad but he’s so kind to the kids, plays with them, talks to them, sees them everyday, reads with them, looked after them when I had surgery (Ex let his visa expire so could even be in the country for the kids). Mum (in front of kids) screams he’s not their dad. Why is he looking after them? I told her to leave and that I wasn’t ever going to see her again as that’s the third time she’s shouted at me in my own house. I’m not having her belittle me in fron t of the kids and upset my household anymore. My Dad messaged a few days later saying I’m part of the family when I chose to be and I’m controlled by an imposter who has wormed his way on to her will. It’s just emotional abuse. So not only can I not control childcare arrangements, if I die I’m not allowed a piece of paper with my desires for how the kids are cared for and who I choose to leave things to and the only attractive thing about me is anything that is on my will. What kind of family is that? All I want is to set up boundaries between my ex and stick to court orders. It’s not unreasonable.
Ex and the family are coming again in April and ex is apparently living in the UK. The kids don’t want to see them. I don’t want my children to see my family at all but the youngest really misses grandma and the girls miss their cousins.
If I let the kids see my family, they’ll take the kids to see my Ex. It’ll be like more people ganging up on me. I don’t know how to be the kids advocate and say no for them when they don’t want to see that side of their family. I just feel powerless. What can I do if I say no and family come round to my house to try to make me change my mind again? I don’t want the stress either as I don’t want to be poorly again.
thanks to anyone who reads this and has any ideas.