Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Flexible and made to last.

Meet the Other Phone.
Flexible and made to last.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

30, no kids, want to divorce

24 replies

cafee · 09/02/2023 16:17

So I’m 99% sure I’m going to tell my husband I want a divorce.

Headlines are:

  • We are early 30s
  • no kids
  • married 4 years, together nearly 12
  • jointly own a house with circa. £300k equity in it
  • both similar earners
  • we’ve tried couples therapy, I’m pretty sure he thinks it’s all fine.
  • I’m having solo therapy
  • we have pets including a dog

There is no one solo reason why I want to leave. I’m just not happy anymore. I’ve really tried to be. But it’s not going away and I’d rather be amicably divorced at 30 than hating each other at 45, particularly with kids involved.

I’ve just had enough.

practically I need to decide on timings, for example:
1- I’ve literally this month just started a new job so can’t get a sole mortgage until I have 3-6 months of payslips
2- we have a holiday with friends next month
3- we have both birthdays coming up
4- we have a wedding coming up end of April that we are both involved in.

part of me thinks I should wait to raise it. The other thinks I just need to get it over with.

Any experiences/ advice from anyone in a similar position would be great

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 09/02/2023 16:19

I’d wait until i could get a mortgage, and get myself ready to split.
Your only other option is to move in with somebody if you go now, or rent.

MavisCruet2023 · 09/02/2023 16:19

I wouldn't give a shit about any of those timings.
It's over. I would end it.

Original poster
cafee · 09/02/2023 16:23

KangarooKenny · 09/02/2023 16:19

I’d wait until i could get a mortgage, and get myself ready to split.
Your only other option is to move in with somebody if you go now, or rent.

Am I totally naive to think I could stay in the house, and we can do separate rooms? He has family nearby he could move to if absolutely necessary.

OP posts:
KangarooKenny · 09/02/2023 16:24

cafee · 09/02/2023 16:23

Am I totally naive to think I could stay in the house, and we can do separate rooms? He has family nearby he could move to if absolutely necessary.

Show quote history

If he agrees to it. But he could be an arse and play up.

Addictedtohotbaths · 09/02/2023 16:25

I’d end it now and start the divorce process. It will take a while which will give you time to get your payslips for the new mortgage.
You’re very wide to do it now while no kids involved it will be so much simpler.
best of luck

Runningonjammiedodgers · 09/02/2023 16:27

Never a good time to ask for a divorce. Just get it over with. It will take 6 months at minimum to get the house sold and get a financial agreement in place. You can get a mortgage just after getting a new job. I had my mortgage offer when I had been in my current job for four months and I was still on probation. Just do it, it won't be as bad as you think and you will so much closer to getting your life back on track.

Mannymoomin · 09/02/2023 16:32

I think if you want to divorce then that should be your priority before everything else.

There will always be things going on in life that gets in the way, if you wait there’ll just be another event.

Put your happiness before everything else and focus on what will make you happiest.

Aquamarine1029 · 09/02/2023 16:33

End it now, and of course you can stay in the house. It's your house. Until it's sold, or one of you buys the other out, you stay.

Original poster
cafee · 09/02/2023 16:37

Yeah I think you are all right, and confirming what I probably knew deep down.

I’ve got a call with a lawyer tomorrow and next week to discuss my options. So I guess I’ll tell him then.

OP posts:
gogohmm · 09/02/2023 16:44

I would advise waiting until April, by this time you will have payslips etc. I would in the interim get everything in order but keep open. I felt like you many times but then thing's important- went on for 10 years before eventually we split

Original poster
cafee · 09/02/2023 17:10

The problem with waiting is I feel like a knob everytime we do something nice together, or he cuddles me in bed. I don’t want to lead him on

OP posts:
BlueWhiteHat · 09/02/2023 17:21

gogohmm · 09/02/2023 16:44

I would advise waiting until April, by this time you will have payslips etc. I would in the interim get everything in order but keep open. I felt like you many times but then thing's important- went on for 10 years before eventually we split

So you’re advising her to pretend and be like you and end up staying unhappy for 10years? Fuck that.
@cafee it’s braver to call it time. Start the ball rolling and tell him after solicitor. You could always ask to sleep in separate rooms if it helps now.

LadyGardenersQuestionTime · 09/02/2023 17:26

KangarooKenny · 09/02/2023 16:24

If he agrees to it. But he could be an arse and play up.

Show quote history

to be fair, she's the one wanting to split - why would him wanting to stay make him the arse? OP I think you should be prepared to move out when you split. Staying will be horrible for both of you.

Original poster
cafee · 09/02/2023 17:33

I highly doubt he will be an arse. I have a feeling he will go to his parents for a while, but that’s a bridge to be crossed once I have the conversation.

I’ve not got anywhere I can stay which is suitable to commute from other than crashing on a friend’s sofa, which I don’t fancy. He is fully remote for work so can be more flexi. But let’s see.

OP posts:
Original poster
cafee · 12/02/2023 18:51

So it’s done. I had intended to do it next week but he bought up that he thought I wasn’t happy and it just went from there.

lots of tears but all pretty amicable for now. We’ve discussed practicalities briefly and are both on the same page. I’m away for a couple of nights with work and then will move into the spare room.

OP posts:
Shgytfgtf111 · 12/02/2023 19:04

Well done, hopefully things will stay amicable for you.

Original poster
cafee · 12/02/2023 19:08

Thank you. I feel like utter shit. Just emotionally exhausted.

OP posts:
BlueSeaWave · 12/02/2023 19:15

I think it was much better for you both to do it then pretend for so long and i hope doing so keeps it amicable

SkivingSnackboxes · 12/02/2023 19:36

Him wanting to stay in his house he jointly owns with op who wants a divorce isn't an arsey thing to do. If she wants to live alone it should be be her that leaves

Original poster
cafee · 12/02/2023 19:38

SkivingSnackboxes · 12/02/2023 19:36

Him wanting to stay in his house he jointly owns with op who wants a divorce isn't an arsey thing to do. If she wants to live alone it should be be her that leaves

“She” is well aware of that, thank you.

OP posts:
jacult · 12/02/2023 19:45

Do it now. It doesn’t get any easier. I did it at your age. We tried living together for a bit and it was horrendous. I kept my equity safe, rented for a while, then met my now husband and we bought a house together, and now married with children.

Ours was straightforward. No lawyers. We split the equity, kept our own shares/savings/pensions (his was loads more than mine as he was older and didn’t go to uni).

FrippEnos · 12/02/2023 20:03

cafee

Good to see that you have ripped the plaster off (so to speak)
But SkivingSnackboxes is correct in saying that your Ex is not being an arse for not leaving.

Original poster
cafee · 12/02/2023 20:19

I’ve never said he is. We’ve discussed and think we can cohabit until we sell, likely to put the house on the market next month. I’ve never asked him to leave.

He’s also not an arse. He’s a lovely man, he just isn’t right for me.

OP posts:
FrippEnos · 12/02/2023 20:26

I hope that it all works out for you.

New posts on this thread. Refresh page