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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Day 2 post decision to separate

7 replies

TotallyLosttonight · 08/02/2023 15:33

There's another thread entirely on why this is happening. My decision based on his actions. He's admitting that it is his fault and is promising to do whatever is needed to make this as easy as possible on me and the kids. Pretty much decided that he will move out to a rental, then we'll put the house on the market. Kids and I will stay here until it sells then buy somewhere smaller/more affordable and he'll do the same.

I want this thread as my sanity check, just to keep a history of what's happening as I'm sure there are tougher times ahead.

I'm seeing a solicitor on Monday.

I'm not sure what the custody arrangements will be. He won't push for 50/50 (at least he says he won't just now). He'll stay local and see them plenty but their primary home will be with me. His current role is local but he is military and he could go away in the next 2 years so I don't believe 50/50 is fair on the children with that uncertainty.

OP posts:
TooFewSpoons · 09/02/2023 19:19

Hi, I'll join you on this thread if you like. I'm day 4 and submitted the divorce application already. We'll be living together until the bitter end as neither of us has anyone to stay with or money to rent somewhere.
So far, we're amicable but we havent got down to the detail of finances and custody yet, as it's too early.

I'm feeling a bit too good at the moment (it was my decision). I'm sure a crash of mood will come.

TooFewSpoons · 09/02/2023 19:21

We did the divorce application jointly online as the solicitor wanted an extra £900 to do it for me. Luckily STBEX and I are on the same page regarding not depleting the equity in the house by paying lots in legal fees. We will use solicitors for financial though.

SkyHippoOnACloud · 09/02/2023 19:32

"He won't push for 50/50. He'll stay local and see them plenty."

Oh aye. Like whenever it suits him eh. Watch out for that. He's not going to be volunteering to take them when you've got something to sort out, when they're ill, when they're off school and you're struggling with work/childcare, when they need to be taken shopping for school uniform or to a dentist appointment etc. He's planning to dip in and out of their lives whenever it suits him and leave you with all the grunt work. Or perhaps his definition of "plenty" is EOW?

Ask the solicitors advice about the house. Don't agree to sell it unless the solicitor thinks that's what's best. You might be able to keep it in the divorce settlement, if that's what you want. Yes to him moving out though.

Expect him to backtrack from being Mr Nice Guy, you know that's not who he really is.

Good luck with it all OP, I hope your life improves from now on.

ResponsetoOPDay2postdecisiontoseparate · 09/02/2023 20:16

Practical stuff ti consider when you are ready to process it.

Re – Divorce and Financial Settlement

There are 2 aspects - divorce which is relatively straightforward and financially settlement which is more complex and very important.

To know what a fair split of assets is and to reach a financial settlement divorcing parties need to know what the assets of the marriage are, and what each asset is worth before making agreements and decisions. Pensions for example can be very valuable and some assets may not be obvious or known about e.g. stocks and shares

Listing all the assets - Full and frank financial disclosure is a legal requirement.

What does full and frank financial disclosure look like?
Look at a Form E. A long document in which each party sets out their assets, income, and financial needs. You can see in it the assets that are taken into consideration upon divorce and financial settlement, for example property (the former marital home), pensions, stocks and shares etc. It also lists the documents needed that show the value of assets for example CETVs (cash equivalent transfer values of pensions - which can be requested from pension providers). CETVs are a starting point for valuing pensions.

What the assets are worth
To find out what some assets are worth an independent expert can be used. Property can be valued by an expert e.g.estate agents, pensions by CETV and / or an actuary / pension on divorce expert (PODE) report and so on. It is important to decide what needs a valuation by an independent expert and factor in the costs of these.

Pensions can be very valuable – equivalent or more than the value of the former martial home in some cases. Divorcing parties might hold different types of pensions (not like-for-like, so difficult to compare without an expert). Circumstances might be complex for example an age difference or pensions in payment. One party may have stayed at home to look after children.

Not getting full and frank disclosure?
Full and frank financial disclosure is required and usually provided when Form E is exchanged and this includes attachments of documentary evidence showing the value of assets.
If after Form E there is missing information / evidence Questionnaires may be exchanged to retrieve it (a list of questions for a party to answer and requests for documentary evidence that is missing)
If still missing after that Deficiencies are exchanged (a list of questions / requests for documents).
A solicitor’s letter can be sent to retrieve financial information evidence.
A Court Order can also be applied for to gain financial information / evidence / valuations that is missing / essential.

Deciding how to distribute assets - Section 25
When deciding how to distribute a couple’s assets and income the court has to apply a checklist of factors set by statute. The relevant statute is section 25 of the Matrimonial Causes Act 1973. These factors will need to be applied in every case, regardless of whether you are engaged in court proceedings or negotiating your own settlement. These are often called the Section 25 factors, which the court will take into account when deciding how to distribute assets upon divorce or dissolution.

images.ctfassets.net/o8luwa28k6k2/2cpp2mEMwBJWJLuzTiTruB/b5397e7459154fad8927826a2c99acdd/section-25-expert-guide.pdf

The income, earning capacity, property, and other financial resource which each of the parties to the marriage has or is likely to have in the foreseeable future is taken into account. First consideration is given to the welfare (while a minor) of any child of the family who has not yet attained the age of eighteen.

The needs of each divorcing party are taken into account and as I understand it 50 / 50 is the starting point – so unequal shares based on circumstances and needs is possible, for example 60 / 40.

Advice & Info
These offer a free advice session about pensions on divorce and separation www.moneyhelper.org.uk/en/family-and-care/divorce-and-separation/divorce-or-dissolution-how-we-can-help-with-your-pension

Free advice line (busy so keep trying) rightsofwomen.org.uk

Guides on divorce and financial settlement
www.advicenow.org.uk/guides/how-apply-financial-order-without-help-lawyer

Pensions on divorce
www.sharingpensions.co.uk/penaudit3.htm
www.mediateuk.co.uk/the-ultimate-guide-to-pensions-on-divorce/
www.nuffieldfoundation.org/news/new-good-practice-guide-addresses-shortfall-in-understanding-of-how-to-treat-pensions-on-divorce

Valuation of pensions – pensions on divorce expert report
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk no relation – useful website
www.collinspensionactuaries.co.uk/pension-data-collection/ templates for information required

Legal advice should be sought.
This link gives you an indication of hourly rate for solicitors
www.gov.uk/guidance/solicitors-guideline-hourly-rates
Some organisations offer free advice from solicitors and barristers rightsofwomen.org.uk/get-advice/ On their FAQs page…”Our Legal Officers and Volunteer legal advisors are all solicitors and barristers”.
Some family solicitors offer an in initial free consultation and some a fixed fee rather than hourly.
Some barristers can be directly instructed e.g., via Clerksroom Direct
Mumsnet suggest www.advicenow.org.uk/tags/separation-divorce-and-dissolution-civil-partnerships

Important to get all the assets on the table and know what they are worth with documentary evidence of accurate valuations.
Consider setting money aside for an actuary to produce a pensions on divorce expert report.
Look after the old(er) woman you will become, financially.

TotallyLosttonight · 10/02/2023 09:58

TooFewSpoons · 09/02/2023 19:19

Hi, I'll join you on this thread if you like. I'm day 4 and submitted the divorce application already. We'll be living together until the bitter end as neither of us has anyone to stay with or money to rent somewhere.
So far, we're amicable but we havent got down to the detail of finances and custody yet, as it's too early.

I'm feeling a bit too good at the moment (it was my decision). I'm sure a crash of mood will come.

I'm glad of your company on here but I'm sorry you're in this situation too. How are you today? I'm unable to eat or sleep, I'm either raging or sobbing. It's just to horrible to think about.

OP posts:
TotallyLosttonight · 10/02/2023 09:59

@ResponsetoOPDay2postdecisiontoseparate thank you so much, this is really useful.

OP posts:
TooFewSpoons · 10/02/2023 11:21

I've just caught up on your other thread (I didn't know the background) and I'm so sorry you're going through such a traumatic experience. My situation is totally opposite, so I might not be a good thread buddy. I really hope you get the justice and resolution you need.

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