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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

STBX not interested in kids - accused me of taking them away from him!

5 replies

DivorcingEU · 07/02/2023 07:24

My STBX has been very clear that he wants lots of time with the kids and that he thinks I'm trying to take the kids away from him. I'm not and I wouldn't. I grew up without a father and one of the things that has been very important to me is that my children have a father who loves them and wants to be with them. One of the things I found attractive about him waaay back was that he wanted to be in his future children's lives.

Throughout the divorce (years long - he's been stalling to keep me doing childcare) I've been trying to "make it fair". Every proposal. I even looked at birds nesting and was 100% willing to do it, just so the kids could be less disrupted and have equal time with us.

He's just, FINALLY, given my lawyer a counter proposal to another one of my 50-50 ones. He wants every other weekend (fine) and to drive them to school a few days a week. Maybe pick them up one day a week from school. One child goes to school alone now anyway, and comes home alone too.

I know he's fitting a trope, but WTAF is wrong with these men? Since when is "you're taking my children away from me" equal to "I basically want every other weekend"?!

I can't get over how men (and I do know a woman who has actually left her kids to have a better, more fun life, but it is mainly men) can just drop their kids so easily.

I hope my daughter never has children, or if she does, that she does it via sperm donation. At least then she knows what she's getting into and is in control of her future. And would break the cycle in my family of women being screwed over - which I thought I'd managed to break by marrying a really good guy...

OP posts:
Timeforachange2023 · 08/02/2023 07:02

DivorcingEU · 07/02/2023 07:24

My STBX has been very clear that he wants lots of time with the kids and that he thinks I'm trying to take the kids away from him. I'm not and I wouldn't. I grew up without a father and one of the things that has been very important to me is that my children have a father who loves them and wants to be with them. One of the things I found attractive about him waaay back was that he wanted to be in his future children's lives.

Throughout the divorce (years long - he's been stalling to keep me doing childcare) I've been trying to "make it fair". Every proposal. I even looked at birds nesting and was 100% willing to do it, just so the kids could be less disrupted and have equal time with us.

He's just, FINALLY, given my lawyer a counter proposal to another one of my 50-50 ones. He wants every other weekend (fine) and to drive them to school a few days a week. Maybe pick them up one day a week from school. One child goes to school alone now anyway, and comes home alone too.

I know he's fitting a trope, but WTAF is wrong with these men? Since when is "you're taking my children away from me" equal to "I basically want every other weekend"?!

I can't get over how men (and I do know a woman who has actually left her kids to have a better, more fun life, but it is mainly men) can just drop their kids so easily.

I hope my daughter never has children, or if she does, that she does it via sperm donation. At least then she knows what she's getting into and is in control of her future. And would break the cycle in my family of women being screwed over - which I thought I'd managed to break by marrying a really good guy...

I am a man. I am a divorced.

I have two young children. I have a “lives with” court order and a prohibited steps order against their mother. I battled twice in the Family Court to get that - for good reason - they were unsafe and being neglected. I stopped counting after the legal bills breached £30k.

I put my parental responsibility above everything else. I work full-time, I receive no support off the state, I receive no child maintenance. I receive no help with childcare from family members.

I know other people in similar situations. You can see where I’m going with this, can’t you…….? Your post is ridiculous.

Another2022 · 09/02/2023 10:51

I wish my ex was like you and asked for 50-50! Most I’m ‘allowed’ is 60/40 in her favour.

We’re not all shits after we leave.

MangoBiscuit · 09/02/2023 11:06

@Timeforachange2023 actually I think your post is ridiculous. The OP has shared her personal experience, and said that it's following a trope, because it is. We know that there are some amazing fathers who fight tooth and and nail to do what's best for their kids. I have a dear friend who's going through this himself. But unfortunately you guys are still in the minority. So please don't go jumping on threads with that NAMALT bullshit. We already know it's not all of you, but it's still too many.

OP, my exH wanted 50/50 to start with. Then he wanted 70/30 to me, when he realised how much effort he'd actually need to put in. Then back to 50/50 when he realised he'd have to pay maintainence. We did finally build up to 50/50, but not until he'd moved in the new girlfriend. I now basically share care with her. She's lovely, my kids really like her, and they still get to be around their Dad.

MangoBiscuit · 09/02/2023 11:10

Sorry, I meant to say, exH tried the "she's taking the kids away from me" bullshit too. He sat in mediation and told me and the solicitor that he couldn't cope with 50/50, and snapped my hand off when I offered to have them more. We have written proof that I actively tried to facilitate him having MORE contact, but he had to be reminded of this before he shut up.🙄

stealthninjamum · 09/02/2023 11:13

My ex wanted children and I smugly thought I picked someone who would be a good father.

He lives within walking distance of my house yet one child has spent two nights with him in two years the other none. He stopped visiting during Covid because he believed he wasn’t allowed to.

if he’s not working, he’s in the pub ‘talking about work which is work really’ or he’s doing his hobby.

I do know lots of women who have been left doing the bulk of the childcare - often after expensive and stressful court battles where the husband claimed to want the kids - and only one family where they do 50:50

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