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Divorce/separation

Here you'll find divorce help and support from other Mners. For legal advice, you may find Advice Now guides useful.

Original poster

When does it get better and what if you regret the split?

10 replies

Framedheart · 05/02/2023 20:42

Pretty much the title really. I know the split was technically the ‘right’ thing to do but I can’t help but feel sad more and more. I actually don’t even want to talk to him because I either feel such heartbreak or just anger at the past (not to drip feed we need to talk as the separation has put a considerable geographical distance between husband and kids and kids speak with him multiple times a day)

I just feel so hopeless and probably more hopeless than I did in the marriage when things were at rock bottom. I have no interest in meeting anyone else for various reasons but am almost tortured on the fact that sooner or later he will have a new partner (he’s been unfaithful multiple times but somehow this seems worse to me, I know I don’t have that right) I just feel lonely and a total failure at most things most of the time. Does it get better? how do you make it better? I’m almost hoping he will ask me to get back together because at least it will be familiar and I could do with the security of a hug and someone just ‘there’

thanks if you made it this far…

OP posts:
FenghuangHoyan · 05/02/2023 20:52

It does get better. After my divorce I was so low that I almost ended my life, but I woke up the next morning and thought "well, this is the start of the rest of my life and things can only get better,". I started just putting one foot in front of the other and started sorting out a new home (got bitten badly by fleas my first night and feel through a rotten bathroom floor a couple of weeks later and slept on the floor for the first couple of months, so it was hard).

In time, the hurt and loss got easier and less raw and the thought that "maybe I should go back to them as I could cope with that" passed.

Since that morning when I woke after failing to end my life, I've had the best days of my life. It will look all like it's too much and too scary right now, but keep putting one foot in front of the other and keep putting distance between your life with your ex and the rest of your life and you'll find happiness too.

I found someone else in the end and they were far better than my waste of space, cheating ex and I'm glad I never went back to them as they've not changed, but I have.

Mari9999 · 05/02/2023 21:35

You won't own your future until you stop.using the past as your yardstick to measure your progress. That kind of behavior makes it understandable that he would have cheated. Who wants to be with an adult who lacks the ability to stand on their own two feet and to successfully manage their own present and future? That kind of neediness is acceptable in a dependent child but not in a partner or a functioning adult.

If you are so in "need "of someone that you would accept bad treatment rather than be alone, are you really the kind of partner that any healthy person is looking to find?

Are you modeling independence and self a sufficiency for your children? They need to know that you are as capable or more capable than their father. They need to know that you can manage as well or better than he did. If you cannot do that, then you should consider giving them to him . They deserve a fully functioning adult as a parent.

Were you not taking care of yourself and managing your life successfully before you met your ex? If so, why now do you think that you are less capable now?

Reclaim your old capable self , and you will be able to handle the challenges that you may face. As for finding a partner, you can't be good for anyone else until you are good to and good for yourself.

Lozzerbmc · 05/02/2023 23:10

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

sonicmum2002 · 06/02/2023 14:18

Sorry, but it's not helpful to blame OP for the affair.

OP, you are likely reacting to the trauma you have gone through. What happened is not your fault. It does get better - google HALT and chumplady.com for some great resources on healing from trauma, and self-care. You matter.

Original poster
Framedheart · 06/02/2023 19:45

sonicmum2002 · 06/02/2023 14:18

Sorry, but it's not helpful to blame OP for the affair.

OP, you are likely reacting to the trauma you have gone through. What happened is not your fault. It does get better - google HALT and chumplady.com for some great resources on healing from trauma, and self-care. You matter.

Thank you I appreciate that and know that I’m not responsible for my husbands actions, as much as he (and apparently some others…) might have me believe.
I will search those terms you suggested, thank you again

OP posts:
MrsGhandi · 06/02/2023 20:54

Mari9999 · 05/02/2023 21:35

You won't own your future until you stop.using the past as your yardstick to measure your progress. That kind of behavior makes it understandable that he would have cheated. Who wants to be with an adult who lacks the ability to stand on their own two feet and to successfully manage their own present and future? That kind of neediness is acceptable in a dependent child but not in a partner or a functioning adult.

If you are so in "need "of someone that you would accept bad treatment rather than be alone, are you really the kind of partner that any healthy person is looking to find?

Are you modeling independence and self a sufficiency for your children? They need to know that you are as capable or more capable than their father. They need to know that you can manage as well or better than he did. If you cannot do that, then you should consider giving them to him . They deserve a fully functioning adult as a parent.

Were you not taking care of yourself and managing your life successfully before you met your ex? If so, why now do you think that you are less capable now?

Reclaim your old capable self , and you will be able to handle the challenges that you may face. As for finding a partner, you can't be good for anyone else until you are good to and good for yourself.

That kind of behavior makes it understandable that he would have cheated

What kind of thing is this to say to anyone based on a few sentences? This is pretty awful. And most of the rest of it...you should be ashamed.

MrsGhandi · 06/02/2023 20:55

@Framedheart you are in limbo - your past life has been dismantled and you just can't see your future one yet. You will get there like the rest of us.

sonicmum2002 · 06/02/2023 23:04

Agreed

sonicmum2002 · 06/02/2023 23:06

This is known as "blameshifting", I believe! You will seen things much more clearly when you have some distance between you and soon (I hope) to be ex husband.

The feelings you describe are a normal reaction to what you've gone through. It does get better. Hugs

sonicmum2002 · 06/02/2023 23:07

PS, and I don't regret my divorce - it was one of the best things I ever did.

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