Confused/? Controlling partner need help

[Cheesecake1989]

I really don’t know if I should be posting here 🙈. I’ve been in a very long term relationship (nearly 20 years). It’s been happy a lot of the time but also a lot of down times including periods where I know he’s cheated (online stuff no evidence of real life), got debt in my name and also has spiked me two occasions that he’s admitted to. It sounds unbelievable probably but I’ve forgave him every time and we actually really get on however just as friends. I love him as a person but that’s it as the trust is gone. He has massive mental health issue and I worry of what he will do if I do say it’s over. He doesn’t have family or friend support so I know me and the children are everything to him. I just don’t know what to do. Neither of us are happy but I can’t afford to live alone with children and I worry that he has no support other than me. I also worry that he is tracking me. I know he tracks my location but on my one night out of the year he was tracking me, lost my location and messaged one of the girls to see if I was ok. He’s tried to turn it round as he was just worried but it creeps me out.

His mental health issues are not your responsibility. This man sounds horrific, and I truly don't believe you understand how abusive he really is. I think he's beaten you down psychologically so much over all these years that you don't know if you're coming or going. Get yourself and your kids away from him, whatever it takes.

Sorry, that was a jumble, but the end remains true. Get away from him.

Omg I’m shocked at your response 🙈 not that I think you’re wrong but really do u think it’s bad? My whole family think he’s lovely and he’s a really good dad and I know would never hurt them. Xx

How can you say you and the children are everything to him?
Any one of the issues you’ve outlined above would be enough for many of us to dump this intrusion on your equilibrium.

Don’t spend a minute more than you have to with this “man.”
When he was on line cheating he wasn’t thinking of you.
When he spiked your drink, what was he thinking of? It hardly smacks of respect.
When he tracks you, can’t you see that’s control of a sinister kind?

For goodness sake woman, work out an escape plan & get rid. Soon. It’s all very dysfunctional. Life’s too short.

@Cheesecake1989
“Omg I’m shocked at your response 🙈 not that I think you’re wrong but really do u think it’s bad? My whole family think he’s lovely and he’s a really good dad and I know would never hurt them.”

Of course it’s bad!! None of it is decent behaviour. Your family haven’t had to actually live with him. Do they know all those things you’ve told us?? It’s not normal. It’s most unpleasant.

Your reply feels harsh cos I’m at my lowest but I know what you’re sayin. It’s a lot harder when you’re in it. I can’t just leave Iv got shot loads of debt. I work but my wage won get me far. Please don’t say then to women’s aid charities cos I work with them and I don’t want people knowing the mess I’m in. I feel like such a failure

OP he has SPIKED your drink and you’re still with him?! TWICE?!!

As PP said, any one of the behaviours you described are shocking and awful. There are just so many abusive behaviours though, and it seems like you can’t recognise them. If he treats you with such disrespect and contempt aren’t you concerned about your children seeing this, or worse yet how he may treat your children when you aren’t around?

You need to take your kids and yourself to safety away from this brute.

As for his mental health etc - well, his actions have consequences and on his own head be it.

No they don’t cos they’ve all had loads going on I don’t want to stress them out. I think I might be making it sound worse than it is 🤷🏻‍♀️ xx

So he’s cheated, fraud (debt in your name) and drugged you.
But you feel like a failure.
He is. He has failed to act like an actual human being.
And a good father doesn’t drug his children’s mother (presumably for sex?) So he’s a rapist too??

You’re not a failure but you do need help. We all need help sometimes. Get to a debt management charity - CAP is a good one - to sort out how to manage your finances and plan your escape. You are strong and courageous and you can not only survive but thrive without this man. Don’t let a sense of guilt or shame or past mistakes hold you back from a bright future. You can do it!

The spikings I didn’t find out about until 6 months later when he admitted he’d done it. He didn’t have to admit to it but he came clean as he’d been struggling with an addiction. I know exactly when these events happened cos i remember how weird I felt. Please don’t sound shocked that I’m still with him because it isn’t always straight forward. It’s been a slow process coming to the realisation that I’m in an abusive relationship and tbh when I first posted this I was t expecting the response k got even though in my heart I know how he’s treat me is wrong. I just genuinely don’t know where to go or what to do next.

Yes, he is that bad. For fuck's sake, he should be in prison for drugging you. That's a crime.

So he’s an addict who has raped you after drugging you OP. Really you need to make a plan. Consider the freedom programme.

i do appreciate your responses. Im going to try talk to him, im sure he knows it’s over. I just can’t see any way out other than us living in same house and saving to get out 🤷🏻‍♀️

You can’t live with an abuser. You can’t reason with them. Please seek outside RL advice.