Child benefit, 50/50 and UC

[anothermum23]

Hoping someone else has experience of this situation or similar. Feeling really fed up with everything.

Split from ex-husband 4 years ago. I always had main care of the 3 children and received the child benefit.

After the split he had them 2 nights a week. After 2 years I put in a claim for CMS as he wasn't contributing (kept saying he would but didn't). He was then suddenly interested in 50/50 and went to family court and was awarded this.

So we now have 50/50. Kids seem to be getting used to it. He put in a rival claim for the child benefit based on this, and was awarded 1 child out of 3. Fair enough.

However, the financial impact this has had on me has been huge. I work full-time and have since the split however am topped up with universal credit. I work in the emergency services so I do have an okay job on paper. I can now only claim for the 2 children rather than 3, and have lost around £200.

But the worst part is losing the entitlement to claim childcare costs for the child, which helps enable me to work full-time. I have no family close-by to help with childcare.

For context my ex has his own business, and pays himself salary and dividends of just under £50k a year right now according to CMS. IMO he doesn't need the £45 a month child benefit and isn't entitled to any other benefits. When we were together his earnings were far more than this, in 6 figures, and he now lives alone in a house far more expensive than the one we had together, worth around a million pounds. No family money or anything like that, not sure how he affords it and his 3 new cars on less than 50k a year... cliche I know! But I know his earnings or where he lives now is none of my business now though...

I am currently getting back paid through CMS for the time when I had main care and he wasn't paying (finally!) but I know due to the 50/50 this will stop when all paid back.

I guess I want to know if I'm unreasonable being angry at the system that hasn't considered the financial detriment to the children when making the decision with the child benefit?

Although we have 50/50 now I still pay for everything, shoes, uniforms, clothing, school dinners, bus pass etc etc. I know people will say I should stop but if I do (have tried before) he leaves the kids walking around with shoes with holes in.

I've tried speaking to him about it rationally but he doesn't care.

I own my own (small) house with a mortgage so I get no help with that. I don't think I can get a better paying job right now with my skill level? I work full-time and work hard and I just wonder sometimes why I bother. The last few months I am having to put my childcare on credit cards and I don't see things betting any better. We have cut back as much as we can, rarely have the heating on, cutting back on food. It's so tough right now.

If you got this far thanks for reading

Oh and I forgot to add. The reason the relationship ended was due to domestic abuse both physical and emotional. Ex-husband was also very financially controlling and I feel like this is probably just a continuation of that.

Well you’re not unreasonable in your feelings
youre not unreasonable in feeling angry at the system and your ex who sounds awful

however, not sure what you can actually do in reality if he won’t listen to reason

He’s being an arse and is not putting children first at all !

Is this something you could take back to family court to challenge 50/50?
Maybe on the basis that he us neglecting (not providing for) his children during his 50%?
No idea if this is actually feasible, just thinking out loud.

Obviously I do save some money by not having the children 50% of the time but it really doesn't account for what's been lost.

This is mainly off the food bill as when I am here on my own it's very little. But our food bill isn't huge anyway.

I still drive to work and have to put petrol in the car (go past their schools) so dropping them off whether they are with me 50% or 90% doesn't affect these costs.

As I said before we use the heating so little. Maybe for an hour if it's really cold. I don't use it at all when they aren't here. I suppose there will be savings made from not having TVs on etc as I don't use these myself.

We never haven't had a holiday since 2018, only a few cheap weekends away here and there. I don't go out, we don't do a lot at all really! The kids do one sporting activity each.

The family court didn't seem to care that he physically assaulted me on multiple occasions in front of the children (police reports to back up), or that the CAFCASS reported noted that he was at times emotionally abusive towards the children and spoke badly of me too them.

There were absolutely no concerns about me but he still got 50/50 as he isn't a danger to the children. Not sure the family court would care about him not buying them shoes, clothing, bus passes or leaving their dinner money accounts in arrears for me to pay.

When the child benefit went to appeal I stated all of this and how it would affect the children and my ability to work as I would cease to get this help. They are registered with doctors, dentist and schools in my name/address but it didn't matter.

He doesn't use or pay for childcare as running his own business he can do shorter days when he has the kids and longer ones on his weeks "off". I unfortunately don't have the option to do that in my job and I can't think of many jobs that do.

I appreciate now I don't have childcare to pay for for 2 weeks of the month but not having the help for the child I've lost benefit for for the 2 weeks I do have them massively stretches us.

I just don't know what to do I guess I'm just venting.

Possibly there's a question for CMS as to whether there is a deliberate diversion of income to avoid child maintenance which could increase what you receive.

Other than that, unfortunately like a lot of public sector workers at the moment the situation is because you're in a poorly paid occupation, which is not your ex-husband's fault.

I generally pay the right amount of CM and on time, but I refuse to pay my ex-wife any more than that because she has chosen to remain in a very low paid occupation when she has the skills and time to earn more and it should not be my responsibility to fund her lifestyle choices. Unfortunately I think you might have to do the same.

@BetterFuture1985 thank you for your input. As we have 50/50 now by court order I doubt I will continue to receive any CMS, the only money I receive now are back payments from previous arrears from when I had majority care (and it took 2 years for CMS to look into the variation/diversion of income).

I appreciate what you are saying job wise, and I wish every single day I had a better paying job!

But like a lot of mums I worked part time when we were together. My ex worked away and was able to further his business and career while I looked after the children and worked less hours. This was a joint choice.

I have gone back into the full-time workforce after 10 years. I have a very respectable job, and like you say as with a lot of public sector jobs it is not well paid. At the moment I am classed as a trainee hence my salary being even poorer. I am also at university as part of the job, finishing this year but I know in the long run this will further my prospects.

It's all very easily said and done saying my job is a lifestyle choice, but I actually feel rather lucky to have the position I have and the opportunity to get a university degree after 10 years working part-time. I'm not sure what better paid job I can just walk into right now? I earn 27k which will go up and hopefully things will get better.

I try very hard, like I said I work full-time, I'm studying, I bought a small house and pay a mortgage. I probably would have got more "hand outs" if I'd just lived off my divorce money for x amount of time, worked part-time and claimed full benefits and housing costs... but I haven't done that.

I've never expected my ex to "fund my lifestyle" or choices. My gripe is that for the sake of £45 a month which is nothing to him, he has cost the children a significant amount and made life for not just myself but they children when they are here much more difficult. Surely that isn't unreasonable to feel that way?

What does the 50/50 look like in terms of actual days and nights with both of you?

@BernadetteRostankowskiWolowitz it's a true 50/50 split now by court order- 7 nights me, 7 nights Dad.

In reality he’s not picking up 50% costs
for true 50:50 where there is no maintenance he should be paying at least for half of clothes, shoes, clubs, haircuts etc

op is not asking for him to find her. All she’s asking us don’t claim child benefit due to the massive impact to her and importantly the children

hes being a twat of the highest order. What kind of parent would leave school meals act in arrears when they have money to pay !! It’s not like he’s giving op £1k a month cms

there is no excuse for his behaviour here

fund not find

Stop sending dc with stuff. Mine went to exh's in pj's. Or he sold the clothes I had bought.. Seriously he did.

He can buy stuff for at his house.. Same as you do.

@anothermum23 That will depend on just how much he is actually earning. A million pound house and three cars after a divorce will require quite a salary and the CMS only has jurisdiction up to something like £150k in income. Above that the courts can still make child maintenance rulings.

OP this sounds like control, he obviously doesn’t need the child benefit, but claims it to make you suffer.

Your financial position sounds very similar to mine, STBXH pays himself via a Limited Company so CMS can’t really help - I’m stuck between a rock and a hard place and he controls what money he provides by what he seems suitable. Mine isn’t interested in 50/50 childcare though. Would you mind if I asked what financial order was agreed in your divorce?

Could you go back to child benefit and put in a claim again for the child using all your costs as evidence and hopefully get it reinstated?

Have you tried claiming UC and costs for the child? They don't always take into account who gets child benefit especially if there isn't another claim for that child.

@WhatsTheStoryThisTime it was a 70/30 split in my favour, which does sound good.

However as he was financially controlling, nothing was in my name. While the divorce proceedings dragged on over covid, he managed to remortgage and take a load of money out of the family house- despite there being a martial order.

By the time my solicitor clocked it most of the money was gone. I had a legal aid solicitor due to DV and tbh she wasn't amazing and said there was no point chasing the money and we'd never find it or prove where it had gone.

He also sold an investment property owned outright to which all but 15k magically disappeared.

So the money that was split in the end wasn't a huge amount but it was enough to help me buy a small house for myself and the kids. We live in a terrace property so nothing extravagant.

He showed documents during divorce proceedings that demonstrated that he could only get a mortgage for 150k... however within months of the proceedings coming to a close he had bought his huge, expensive house. He has no partner or family (doesn't speak to them) so it's not been purchased by anyone else.

@OneForTheRoadThen I provided a lot of evidence for the child benefit rival claim to show that it would cause financial detriment but it wasn't taken into account.

As well as providing the usual documents to show that they are registered to my address for gp/dentist/school etc and receipts to show that I buy uniforms, pay for their clubs etc etc.

I'm not sure about UC I suppose I can ask again but from what I was told they base it on who gets the child benefit, even if there isn't another claim?

Here are the decision making guidelines for UC assets.publishing.service.gov.uk/government/uploads/system/uploads/attachment_data/file/1096149/volume-1-basic-principles.pdf#page15

If you look at 05026 is says you don't have to be in receipt of CB. I think it's worth a try?

Thank you @OneForTheRoadThen! I will get back in contact with them.

They told me I needed to take my son off my claim as I don't get the child benefit anymore when I informed them.

I also hope I don't come across as bitter to anyone reading this referring to my ex-husbands house and cars etc.

I'm really not like that and I am happy the kids have a nice life there. I am however bitter about him taking something he doesn't need which affects us, just to be spiteful towards me (is my belief as to why he's done it).

I would email him giving one month's notice that you will not be sending clothes for his weeks and paying school dinners etc for his weeks and just stop doing it. He is financially abusing you because you are allowing it.

I'm not sure if it will work but those guidelines I linked are worth a read. I hope you get it sorted out.

In that case I would say you are booking dc into childcare only for the weeks they are with you and he will have to make alternative arrangements. Cancel all childcare for the weeks they are with him.

Contact UC and show them proof that the third child lives with you. The court order plus doctors and school address, plus receipts etc. so long as your ex isn’t claiming UC for that child then they will add them to your claim. It’s only if two homes are claiming for the same child that they will go based on the CB. Honestly, this is true as my DP has all his kids on his UC claim though the CB is shared with Ex (so half with him and half with her) as since she isn’t claiming UC they just needed proof the kids lived with him 50% of the time and he had expenses for them.