How to deal with parental alienation attempts from emotionally abusive ex

[Newdawnfreedom]

Following a difficult separation, I'm having difficulty navigating co-parenting of my two young boys (under 10)

We have an informally agreed 50/50 arrangement which was working OK until recently when my ex has become more difficult and is attempting to alienate the kids from me.

He will often try to change arrangements at the last minute saying the kids don't want to come and are upset. He remains in the family home and it is difficult for them as that's the home they have always known. I have an excellent relationship with them and they are always happy once settled with me.

He has recently begun a romantic and sexual relationship with the children's live in au pair who is nearly 20 years his junior. While I'm far from pleased about this, I realise there is little I can do and just need to move on. I never talk negatively about their Dad and don't ask anything about his new partner etc. He has told them lots of lies about me which I just correct gently if the kids mention.

They went on a week's holiday recently and my youngest really struggled. He had an accident in a swimming pool which scared him and said that the new gf was mean and making fun of him.

I'm trying not to get into conflict and maintain the usual schedule with as little contact as possible. However the kids mentioned that their Dad is planning to take them to Thailand for 3 weeks in the summer which I'm just not comfortable with.

He is a heavy weed smoker and emotionally abusive (narcissistic personality). The advice I received is to stay out of court if possible and minimise contact. To hold firm on boundaries and provide a secure and steady environment for the kids.

I would appreciate advice from anyone who has experienced similar issues. Thank you in advance.

Look after your mental and physical health. Stay sane and safe for the long haul. Have a motto or mantra that the kids can repeat whenever they need to remember how much you care.

Weaponising children is a very long game and if your ex has started this, it could go on for decades.

Thank you Aldibag 🥰

I agree that the focus has to be on me getting and staying strong. I agree he's not going to change his behaviour. It's quite scary to think I'll have to deal with this for years but probably realistic and I guess it will get easier the stronger I get and become used to his tactics.

What should I do about the Thailand holiday? My gut says don't react and get into an argument before anything actually happens but I wouldn't put it past him to just book it and then tell the kids that Mum won't let them go if I express reservations (that's what he did with the recent trip)

Thanks for your advice 🥰

You are a parent with responsibilities; so you can refuse to let them go if they are small kids. Under 16 I think?

i would write a letter early, saying these are my concerns and I’m not happy about Thailand, or a b c countries. I would let them go to a country like (x, y, z ) on these conditions…

and then say something like: I strongly recommend that you do not book this destination of Thailand, and that you run further holiday options by me for my agreement. I will respond reasonably and within a reasonably swift timeframe, of course. I’m keen to ensure our children see the world, just as much as you are. However, you will be aware of our shared parental responsibilities in law; it’s my legal responsibility to ensure our children are safe at all times. This reasonable request will remain in place until the children have turned 16. Thank you for your continued compliance.

Thank you, that's solid advice. I think I'm afraid to initiate any contact at the moment as he's being so difficult. But I do need to be proactive here. He has asked me to return his guardianship form to him so I will take the opportunity to include an appendix on travel arrangements when I do that.
🙏

Bumping to see if anyone else has advice or has experienced similar.

I thought that leaving the relationship would be the hardest part (it took 2 attempts and much longer than I should have let it continue).

But the post separation abuse is nearly worse. At least I don't have to spend time with him anymore, but it's scary and painful to see him trying to turn the kids against me. And so damaging for them.

Hi OP.. I'm no expert but I wonder whether the 'informal'agreement needs to be made formal? Doing so could mean you have a legal agreement in place with a Child Arrnagements Order but, potentially there may be scope for a Prohibitive Steps order? It usually applies to things such as, changing schools etc but maybe seek some legal advice on this one. I know it's draining and complex but may well be worth it in the end for peace of mind on how things will develop in the future. As you say, your children are still young.

Could you get advice about changing to supervised contact. If he’s a drug user and abusive, surely they’re not entirely safe with him.

I think I'd go to family court and make the 50/50'arrangement formal.

You can also put things like every other Xmas, and also holidays etc in this. He's being difficult, but he can't go against the law, and I believe you can block him taking the dc out of the country. I'd talk it over with a solicitor tbh, if he's anything like my ex, the minute I express I don't want him to do something)c it becomes his main focus TO DO it.

Thank you all for the advice. I think this is what will need to happen eventually.

I contacted a womens' group that offers free counselling and support. Their advice was to avoid court and mediation if possible as it can be an opportunity for extreme narcissists to further perpetuate abuse. But if he keeps messing with the schedule then I guess it forces my hand.

Apparently chronic drug use isn't sufficient grounds to deny access.

I will take your advice and at least get some legal advice. Thank you all