Separation from autistic partner is proving testing... what can I do?

[Cheeseytoasty]

My partner left me 4 months ago at my request after lots of previous requests. He is happily living with his parents who have always cushioned his life in many ways.

I am grateful however that he has somewhere to go as life was becoming unbearable. He has PDA, associated with his autism (only diagnosed recently) and trying to run a household, bring up children and be in a relationship with him was soul destroying as he always has the tendency to do the opposite of whatever is expected. It has been hard work and it has made me ill.

We're not married so no divorce to go through and we own the house jointly. Both on deeds etc. I had a conversation last week about us putting the house on the market as I can't afford it on my own on my salary and neither can he. He however is still paying half of everything even though he no longer lives here.

He says that he is "content" with our current set up. That he is happy living with his parents and coming to the house to see the children 3 times a week with one overnight at his parents house at weekends. I obviously can't stop him coming to the house as he owns half of it. I wouldn't stop his seeing our children either.

Him coming in to my space is not good though. He had the children overnight last night and he's come to the house (alone) twice this morning- once to grab an item of clothing for one of them and once to grab a box of cereal (we live less than a mile away from each other). It's ridiculous. He just let's himself in with his key. I have asked him to knock to be considerate but I think he's trying to catch me with someone else ( I'm not seeing anyone else but told him I would start dating again so he needed to move on too).

I have also found him in my bedroom even when I told him it was out of bounds when I returned from a trip to see a friend when he was here putting the children to bed one night.

I can't move on.
But I can't cut his financial contributions whilst still in this house so feel i have no say.

He is possessive and it's like his PDA won't allow him to maintain any boundaries that I try to construct.

The other issue is that he isn't exactly "danger aware" when it comes to the children, so him seeing them frequently but for shorter periods of time, in my house, works well in some ways. If I force the sale of the house, I don't want him coming to my new home that he has no part of, but this means being away from the children also and potential risk. It's not just physical risk, he has no emotional awareness either and shouts at the children if they get upset. He doesn't replace batteries in fire alarms for example because in his words "statistically, I don't need to."

The irony is that he works with children, so the chances of any court taking my concerns seriously is nil. He has no PDA diagnosis (just autism) but it is very plain to see that this plays a role in his neurodivergence.

The other issue is that he's left all his things here. All his clothes, all his electronics for work that he's currently not using, his DVDs, shoes, aftershaves etc are all here. It's like he's using the house as a storage facility whilst enjoying the cushion and freedoms of living with his parents. He also hates change so I can't get him to realise that it's time to move on and take his things. Would it be unreasonable of me to start boxing up his things for him and moving them to the garage? What could I do with all his clothes? I assume his parents don't have space for it all. He won't like me moving his things around.

I just can't move on or get him to be considerate of my boundaries. But I don't want to leave the children in his care for longer periods either.
What can I do?? Legally, I know what to do. Is more morally and logistically that I'm struggling with here.

Even with his diagnosis you have to get on with your life, I assume you've already asked him to pack up his things? I'd box the stuff up, it'll need packing eventually with the sale of the house, then do yours and the children's bit s that they don't need right now too - make it easier come moving time. If his parents don't have the room then it will have to go into storage units somewhere until. He gets his own place.

You can't control his relationship with the children or how he is with them, if he is at his parents then at least contact is partially supervised and smoke alarms etc will be their responsibility not his. You don't mention the ages of the children but you'll just have to try to make them as independent and resilient as possible so they can make good decisions of their own when with them.

Tell him you’re not content with the current arrangement and start proceedings to sell the house, telling him if he doesn’t agree you’ll get it court ordered

He has a right to leave his possessions in the property of which he is half owner. You more reasonably be boxing up your items in anticipation of your move. Neither of you know how long the divorce process will talk nor how long it will take for your property to sell.

I doubt that his parents want him moving all of his belongings into their home. It does not sound as though he has been problematic in terms of finances , and his parents may be encouraging him to spend time with his children in the property that he owns.

If you are lucky his parents may be willing to assist him in buying you out of the property , and then they can have son and grandkids nearby. That kind of arrangement might facilitate the faster movement of your divorce if agreeable terms could be reached.

I've boxed up his things and put them in the loft and garage. Atleast then, his possessions are still IN the house but out of my space which is the main issue.

We don't need to get divorced fortunately as we're not married. Just the house to sell. He doesn't want to sell it and says he will gladly remain at his parents' house but he's having to see the children in our house several times a week as he says they can only have one overnight there.

Speak to a solicitor about selling the house. It's the only way you are going to move forward.

You've really got to sell that house to move on

What happens when you use his strategy? Simply stating what must be, or doing what you want?

You may find that works better than the more traditional ways of cooperating. I switched my communication style to match DH's (v. little communication, just got on with what I wanted to do) and it's a lot less stressful. The stress came from feeling I had to consider him and he didn't return the favour.