I don't know what to do anymore. Ex and I are separated (since Jan 2021, tried again briefly June 2022) but still living together. It is a living hell. He has bad mood swings, doesn't connect with kids, and has been verbally abusive to me on a number of occasions (I called the domestic abuse helpline in December after one horrible episode). He lost it in front of the kids too, yelling at me 'fuck you' and 'fuck your mum'. He is completely inconsistent e.g. one day be authoritarian, one completely shut off in his own world, one day trying to love bomb kids. Other times he starts ranting about something for a few days, most recently he kept saying to the kids they shouldn't listen to authority figures or do what they are told at school. They completely see through this behaviour now and mostly aren't interested in his attempts to bond when they rarely occur. I work part time and he has his own business, however he hardly does any hours. He is in the house all the time - doesn't have friends or any hobbies only goes running twice a week. He picks up the kids 3 days a week and my eldest hates it. However apart from the basics of some cooking and doing the dishwasher my ex does no other household chores or child related tasks. I do absolutely everything else on top of my work. In my opinion he neglects the kids emotional and sometimes physical needs. My eldest is nearly 11 and hates him. He says so regularly. He hates being alone with him. He refuses to go out anywhere with my ex. He has had bad mental health also, and both he and his dad are on the autistic spectrum. Dad refuses to acknowledge this, and we've been unable to get a diagnosis for my DS as his behaviour is perfect at school. My 11 year old has been referred to sessions with the mental health nurse and had help for mental health from other therapists and from school. He gets very depressed and has low self esteem. My other son (7) has a slightly better relationship with my ex but punches him hard on a regular basis. We have had one mediation meeting but still seem to be in stalemate. My ex often says he hates living in our house because of the kids being loud/energetic, too much 'stuff' (usual family house in my opinion and my friend's/family!) and he hates having lights on. He often gets overwhelmed and exhausted by the kids. But my ex is so stubborn he is doing nothing to move the situation on. He keeps going on about 50/50 week on week off where we both still live here but split the time with the boys. But this seems insanity when my eldest in particular gets very upset when I as much as go out for a few hours in the evening.
I literally don't know what to do anymore or who to turn to for help. My ex won't listen. Friends/family have said 'you're a saint to put up with it all' but I feel i dont have any choice. But it has got to the point where I cant bear being in the same room as my ex. I dread coming home from work and hide in my room after the kids have gone to bed. If it were a more straight forward situation I'd be happy to suggest some arrangements for sharing childcare but it breaks my heart to see my eldest so unhappy. Any advice very gratefully received.